Thursday, April 18, 2013

"I'm Rubbing My Boobs For Luck—Maybe They're Lucky Boobs"

The Return of Natalee, Part 1

Originally, the title of this post featured a different part of the female anatomy, one that my friend Prudence is famous for throwing around at the poker table.  But I had to make this a two part post, and the title I chose doesn’t come into play until part two.  So you’ll just have to settle for boobs, even though there is a reference to the v-word in this part.  And btw, Prudence isn’t in featured in this post, the woman with the uninhibited vocabulary is none other than Natalee, who was the star of the two part post that starts here.  Natalee is the luckbox who put several of the guys at the table on tilt with her (intentionally) obnoxious behavior and her uncanny ability to pull whatever river card she need out of her ass.
On this particular night, when I was minding my own business, playing some 1/2 NL at BSC, Jack came by to see me.  He was either on brush or on break.  I was actually having a pretty good session at the time, and I’m sure I’ll do a separate blog post about that part of this night in the future.  But Jack had urgent, pressing news.
“Your girl is back.”
I had no idea what he meant.  “What?”
“You know, the crazy one?  The woman who put everyone on tilt?  She’s putting everyone on tilt already.”
Oh damn.  Now I knew who he meant.  The aforementioned Natalee, as I had dubbed her.  I was interested.
“She’s at table 10 and there’s a seat open but you have to take it right now if you want it, they’ve already called somebody for it.
I had to make a snap-decision.  As I said, I was having a good night at the table, although after being up even more, I had dropped down to about $100 ahead.  I don’t like to change tables when I’m doing well (who does?).
Do I sacrifice a good poker opportunity for the sake of a good blog post?  Hmm…But wait, I knew that if Natalee worked her magic again, I would be a table where everyone was tilting and I could make a nice score.  Besides, as Poker Grump was only to eager to tell me, I blew the opportunity (pokerwise, not blogwise) the first time I played with her by playing too conservatively.  Now that I knew what to do, I had to see if I had learned anything from the master (see here, in addition to all the comments on that earlier post).
So I quickly decided I had to move and see if Natalee was as entertaining—and as potentially profitable—as she was the first time.  (Edited to add:  The story of the poker before I joined Natalee's table has now been told here, if you're more interested in poker than lucky boobs.  Just sayin')
The trouble was I had just been dealt a hand.  I started to look at it and Jack said I had to move right then otherwise the seat would be gone.  I said ok, I’d take it and could he get it held for me.  He said he would tell them to send the player they just called to the table I was leaving instead of the one I was going to.  I briefly looked at my hand.  It was King-Queen, certainly playable, but I decided to muck it just to make sure I could grab a seat at Natalee’s table.
I racked my chips as soon as I could and hurried over to the table.  I saw Natalee there but what I didn’t see was an empty seat.  I asked the dealer if there was an empty seat.  No, there wasn’t.  But I apparently a new player had just sat down.  I guess they didn’t get the message at the front.  The new player was an attractive young woman who I had played with recently at BSC once or twice and in other rooms too. I even remembered her name.  She was a local and a good player.  I flagged down a floor person and we got it straightened out.  She had been sent to the table in the back and stopped too soon.  She hadn’t played a hand and was fine going to the other table, she didn’t care.  Ordinarily, I would be unhappy about losing the attractive girl to another table, but I felt that she was too good a player to be tilted by Natalee, and besides, Natalee’s “tilting charms” would clearly work better on a guy than a woman.
So she left and I took her seat.  The guy to my immediate right, who will be called “Big Jerk” for reasons that will become apparent in the second part of this post, said , “No, no, I’d rather sit next to her than you.”
I knew what he meant and laughed.  “Yeah, that’s a bad beat, for you, huh?”   He said it sure was.
But then I said, “No, it’s ok.  I’ve played with her before.  She’s a much better player than I am.”
I’m not sure he believed me.
But as I was taking my chips out of the rack and getting settled, there was a hand finishing up.  One that Natalee was in.  It appeared by the time I clued into it both players were all-in.  Natalee said something about having a open ended draw to the straight flush.   Which, of course, she caught on the river.
Yes, the first hand I saw she did indeed river a straight flush.  The guy she was against already had the nut flush, so he lost his stack to her.  As I said, Natalee is a luckbox, among other things,
She had a big stack of chips, probably around $600-$700.  I wasn’t certain, but I assumed she had bought in for $100, as she had last time.  And the dealer told me she had just gotten there! This time, Natalee was in seat 1, and I was in seat 9, right next to the dealer.  We really couldn’t see each other, and it was a bit difficult to hear everything she said, or some of the things that players close to her were saying to her.
Apparently a guy sitting near me was from Israel.  So she called him, “israel” even tho I’m pretty sure that wasn’t his name.  She said, “Israel, Israel,….I’m a Jew too.  We’re the chosen people.”
Someone at the table knew that this occurred during Passover.  So they asked her, “Why aren’t you celebrating Passover?”
Natalee said, “I am celebrating Passover.  This is how I’m celebrating.”
Hmm, I’ll have to check the Bible, but I don’t remember it mentioning poker.
Earlier I saw the luckbox at work, again.  I don’t remember the specific details but a guy caught two pair playing 5-2.  She had ace-9, and there was an Ace there two.  The guy raised her and she called or shoved.  I don’t recall who shoved first, but they were both all in at that point.  Of course, Natalee caught a 9 on the river for a better two pair to take the pot.
As part of her charming personality, she called the guy a donkey for going all in with just bottom two pair.  Not withstanding the fact that she went all in with just top pair, crappy kicker.  Someone pointed that out and of course she ignored it.
In a hand with a scary board, it checked around to her and she bet out.  She was the only woman at the table, and wanted to emphasize that she was the only one with the guts to make a bet.  So she said, “No one bet?  Well, I’m betting.  And I’m the one with the vagina here.”
There is no doubt in my mind that the insults were meant to put guys on tilt, as she had done last time.
Like last time, she started talking about blackjack, although this time she didn’t claim that she had been playing all day.  But when she took some other guy’s chips, she said something like, “Oh, go play blackjack now.”  Again, it was meant to get him tilted.
Just like last time, she would announce her hand, “I’ve got a piece of that, so I’ll call” or “I’ve got top pair, so I’ll raise.”  And if she was heads up with anyone, she’d ask if they were heads up, and then talk about the hand, what she had, what they could have.
But here’s the big difference from last time.  The other players were all a lot smarter. Jack had told me she had put guys on tilt, but they may have left, or he may have been mistaken (he was never dealing to her).  The guys were trying hard to ignore her and I really didn’t see guys do anything stupid just to try to bust her out.  They all seemed to realize the best reaction was not to lose their cool with her.  They could tell that the way she was playing, if they waited for her lucky streak to end, she’d give all that money in front of her back, and maybe put some more on the table.
So when she said to someone, not sure if this was the guy I described above or not, “You’re a donkey if I ever saw one.”  His response was perfect.  “He haw, he haw.”
And everyone was pretty much ignoring her, or engaging in benign conversation with her, no one was insulting back like last time—at least initially.
At one point, someone won a pot from her, and she asked him, “Are you excited now?  Is that the same excitement as when you cum?  Or is it the same as when you make your girlfriend cum?”
The guy ignored her, which was the perfect response.
Another time, she announced to the entire table, “I know I’m annoying.  That’s my schtick.”
Then, after agonizing for a bit—verbally, of course—about how to respond to a bet in front of her, she said, “Ah, screw it.  I’m all in.”
Another time when she bet, got called and lost, she said to the guy, “I may have lost, but I scared your ass.”
Now I went in to the game with the idea that it would be wild and crazy like last time, and that I should be looking for hands to play that I might otherwise stay away from.  But it turned out that the game was nowhere near as wild and crazy as before, because the players were handling it much better.  Plus, I was card dead.  I wasn’t getting cards that I could play under any circumstance.  And there was no point in trying to make a move if Natalee was in a hand, she would call with anything.  And she was in most hands.  She did very little folding.  Although I remember one time when she did fold, she did it with this announcement, “I don’t have shit.”
But when I got King-Jack offsuit in the cutoff seat, I figured it was time to enter the fray.  I don’t have the details but I called a small raise and saw a nice flop of King-Jack-2. I bet out and Natalee was the only caller.  When another deuce hit the turn, I was a little concerned.  Deuce-anything was within her range.  But I bet out again and she asked me if I had a deuce.  Of course I said nothing.
The turn was a 6 and I bet out again, something like $60-$70, and she asked me again if I had a deuce.  Again I stared off into space.  She called, then stared at my two pair, and mucked.  I have no idea what she had.  Maybe top pair, medium pair, pocket pair…..Ace high wouldn’t be out of the question.
There was only one other decent hand that I won at the table, also involving Natalee.  In late position, there were a bunch of limpers and I had Ace-Jack.  I made it $14.  Natalee and one other person called.  The flop missed me completely, and it was checked to me.  I usually  make a continuation bet in that situation, but I almost didn’t.  I had almost never seen Natalee fold to a flop bet, and I assumed she would call me no matter what she had.  But I figured, well, they’ll probably check to me on the turn, and I can check too, and so I’ll be able to see two more cards, maybe one will hit me (sort of Natalee’s strategy, huh?).  I bet out $35 and they both folded.  I was shocked that Natalee folded, but I was happy the c-bet worked.
Mostly, I was just folding and gathering blogging material, so bad were my cards.  Just didn’t get anything where I had any real opportunity to play given the circumstances at the table.
The big I hand I lost was not to Natalee.  In early position I had Ace-Queen clubs, and raised to $8.  Five people called, but not Natalee.   There were two clubs on the board, so I put out $30.  It was both a continuation bet and betting the draw.  One guy, short stacked, shoved for $64.  Folded back to me and for $34 I called.  I missed the flush and he showed a flopped set of 3’s.  So that was my big losing hand of the night.  I wouldn’t ordinarily make a c-bet with so many seeing the flop, but I liked the draw.  In hindsight, maybe I should have checked.
Meanwhile, Natalee started rubbing her boobs for good luck.  Now, I almost missed that, because I couldn’t see her easily—the dealer was in the way—but I knew this because she announced it to the table.  I think it started with her just winning a pot, and she said, “Oh, I won.  I’m so happy.  I’m so happy that I’m rubbing my boobs.”  But next time she did it, she said, “I’m rubbing my boobs for good luck. They might be lucky boobs.”  She would even take some of newly received chips and rub them against her shirt and announce that this was to give her chips good luck.  Note:, all of this was done through her clothing.  She didn’t take her boobs out to do this.  Although, you know, that wouldn’t have surprised me all that much.  In case you’re wondering—and I know you are—Natalee, a middle-aged woman, is not overly endowed in this area.
It did sort of remind me of a story dates back to the 2008 WSOP, and which I talked about in this post here, where Karina Jett rubbed Heather Esquin’s breasts for good luck, right before an event Heather was about to play.  The difference was that Natalee was rubbing her own breasts.
I am sad to report this method of bring one luck didn’t work out too well for Natalee.  So maybe this will not catch on dammit.  But she started doing it when her luck started running bad and it didn’t help. 
At one point Natalee announced that she had to pee really bad.  And she got up and went to the Ladies Room (she also went to smoke).  While she was gone the guys at the table all talked about her.  Everyone was on the same page.  Listen, yeah, yeah, she’s annoying.  She’s a bitch.  But don’t do anything to get her to leave.  The way she plays, it’s only a matter of time before she starts spewing chips.  Let’s do everything we can to keep her here.  A bunch of guys said this, everyone—well almost everyone—agreed.  That showed that these guys were much smarter, much better players, than the group I was with last time I played with her.  So that made the situation a lot less profitable.  Still, I wasn’t going anywhere knowing she was going to be giving chips away, and I had a good shot at getting some of them.

And that’s it for part 1.  Part 2 continues here.  I should warn you, in the second part is a lot more salacious than part 1.


  1. the type of here u are talking about in 2 paragraphs above is here not hear

    1. Thanks, Tony. I'm fixed it now.

      Here, here.

  2. OMG you have been called out for your use of hear and here by a guy who spells YOU as U and whose blog I cannot read because my English readng mind rejects his twitter based writing. U must be so proud.

    On the other hand I cannot wait for part 2.

    1. I guess from now on, I have to do all my shopping at walmarts.

      Anyway, thanks, Neo, part 2 coming soon, probably tomorrow morning.

  3. Tony -- guys who improperly use "don't" instead of "doesn't " continually in their blog should not call out anyone else for errors.

    I'm sure I'll be told that Tony don't agree. : o )

    1. Boy, I do a post with poker, vagina mentionings, woman saids, woman fondling her boobs and an animated gif of a gal squeezing her own giant ta-ta's and all I get is comments on my incorrect use of GRAMMAR.

      Maybe it's time to give up this whole blogging thing.

      On a totally unrelated note, I saw the gal I mentioned at the beginning of this post, the one I had to kick out of the table in order to sit at the one with Natalee, grinding at two separate poker rooms yesterday.

      If I keep running into her, I'm gonna have to give her a "blog name"!

  4. Only if she is super hot. Otherwise, why bother?

    1. Thanks Dave, but not sure who/what you're referring to? Is that a response to my comment to Lightning about the girl I keep running into? If so, well, she kinda dresses down when she plays poker, definitely NOT going for "Jennifer Tilly effect" (not that she's built like her), but she's damn cute and I think if she ever dressed up like one of those club-going girls you see in the casinos at night, she'd be be quite the head-turner.