WARNING: This is a "woman said" tale and is really, really out there. I mean this is probably several times more salacious than anything I've ever posted before. Those of you are who sensitive to this type of material may want to think twice about proceeding.
But I must say I am lucky that my friend Don was able to provide this tale from a recent poker session of his in Vegas for us. It has been way too long since I've been able to provide you a story of the "woman said" category and I miss them. I hope I can someday write a new one of my own, but this one from Don is definitely a worthy addition to that label.
So, with that fair warning, take it away, Don.
A very loud, somewhat drunk woman comes into the poker room and is first on the list because. She decides she wants my table, proclaiming it's the "fun table". One of the guys is not far from leaving and tells her as much. She is talking loudly to her friend the whole time she is waiting and talking loudly is something she will do nonstop for her entire time in the room.
When she gets to the table we find out she is a stay-at-home mother of two, that she has also been a bartender and a manager at a chain restaurant/bar. Also that she met her husband in college and that they've been together for 15 years and married for almost 9—this last fact is important later in the story.
Her mostly monologue goes on throughout the session, although a few other people, myself included, do join the banter.
Shortly after sitting down she says "shit" and then asks the dealer if swearing is okay. Being that it is after 3am on a Friday night, he replies that it's mostly fine as long as it's not directed at other players and other players aren't upset by it. So, she continues to freely use profanity.
She also likes to give people nicknames. She is Mel, because her given name is Melissa and in 5th grade when "you can't spell and are still figuring yourself out, she dropped the 'issa' and has never looked back." Mel proceeds to nickname me "Red" because I'm wearing a red shirt. I ask "well what if I'm not wearing a red shirt tomorrow and we play?". She said I'll still be "Red" because once she nicknames someone, that's it.
The guy next to me is wearing green as are two other players at the table who she calls "Drew" (short for Andrew) and "Mike" (because that's his name and she likes the name Mike). But, my neighbor can't be "green" because she's already used shirt color for my nickname, so she gives him a choice of "Leprechaun" or "Green Goblin." He chose "Leprechaun" and remained so for the rest of Mel's time at the table.
So, play goes on with Mel talking loudly and almost nonstop. A new dealer, Reginald, pushes in. He a good guy, but he is younger and less tolerant of cursing at the table. He mentions this to Mel a couple times and she said she asked about it before he got to the table and was told it was okay—I then relayed to Reginald that she was told it usually wasn't a problem as long as no one minded and it wasn't directed at another player. He was okay with that, although he did ask Mel to try to rein it in a little, which she did for a bit.
Then, Mel got beaten in back-to-back hands by Mike (a very small pot) and Leprechaun in a $50 or so pot with a lucky river. Mel got a bit upset and said. "Dammit, and I like you guys. If I weren't married, I could f*ck that green cock."
Reginald told Mel that the comment was inappropriate, to which she replied "it wasn't directed at anyone, there are 3 guys wearing green here and I didn't say which green cock I would f*ck."
Reginald turned a little red and Mike said "Mel I'd say if it's something that would embarrass Reginald, then it went too far." While she laughed at that she was still a bit upset that this particular cursing was not allowed and again said something about f*cking a green cock. At this point, Reginald, clearly fed up said "look you don't have to talk about f*cking green cock, so just don't."
Mel was a little annoyed but, acquiesced and while Reginald remained as dealer didn't swear. However, she did say that she couldn't use any curse words or dirty language, you know, words like "F" (meaning f*ck) or "C" (meaning cock) or "A" (meaning ass).
Time passes and another dealer pushes in. Mel, now a bit chastised, continues to not swear and use other more family friendly words for things—like "buttocks" instead of "ass".
As she going on in her monologue, Mel mentions that she chose our table because "there are 2 vag's over there" (referring to the 2 women at the other table) and she thought she "should spread the vag's around."
The dealer has clearly worked graveyard for a while and at this point indicates he is less particular about the swearing rule than Reginald, which ultimately leads to the next "woman said" moment.
Mel's monologue turns to her family. She talks about her daughters, 4 and 6. She talks about her husband and how they met at college. She then says that they've been married almost 9 years and that means that it's getting close to their 10 year anniversary promise, "her buttocks." Now, Mel is a little overweight and was wearing a dress, so I really didn't notice her behind. But, I thought, getting a butt lift seems like a weird 10th anniversary gift, but hey to each their own.
I was wrong about the meaning. A few minutes later Mel says, "yup in a little over a year, my buttocks is losing its virginity. I'm kind of worried about it. I've heard it hurts, and that I'm going to need a lot of lube, but we promised." After some discussion that it was natural and wouldn't hurt too much, Mel said "yep, I promised. I figured at 10 years, the marriage is losing its excitement and that he'd need a new hole. So, I figured that the ass would keep him from screwing around with other women. I'm not thrilled about it, but if it keeps him interested, then it's better than the alternative. I guess anal can save your marriage."
Don's story ends there. Apparently this got a laugh and everyone moved on. Perhaps Don (or even yours truly) wil run into Mel a year from now and find out how it went.
Thanks for the great story, Don!
Thanks for the great story, Don!