Last night was the worst night of my life.
OK, that may be a little extreme. Perhaps I should narrow it down and say it was the worst night of my poker life.
OK, that may be a little extreme. Perhaps I should narrow it down and say it was the worst night of my poker life.
But wait, that might still be a bit too strong. So let’s say it was the worst night of my life as a blogger. Or if not “worst”….well then perhaps “disappointing” would be a better word.
Last night was the most disappointing night of my life as a blogger.
Perhaps this will surprise those of you who regularly come to this blog for my incredible insightful poker commentary. My expert discussion of poker strategy has, I know, become legendary around the poker blogosphere.
But when I started this little blog, poker was almost an afterthought. The original purpose of this blog was to relate the wild, crazy, outrageous things I witnessed and heard in Vegas—in and out of the poker room. The most delicious of these were usually done and spoken by women, hence the label “woman said.” Somewhere along the way, I got sidetracked by poker, and became enough of a poker whiz to even get hired by a poker magazine to write a monthly column (/sarcasm).
But I still am always on the lookout for the outrageous. It is in my bones to find and report on crazy, slutty, sleazy, raunchy, and salacious behavior I encounter, particular when engaged in by the fairer sex. The most recent example of such reportage can be found here and here.
And last night, there was perhaps the sine non qua non of outrageous female behavior taking place in the very poker room I was playing in at the time, and I freaking missed it. I heard it, but I didn’t see it.
If you follow me on Twitter and/or subscribe to my Facebook page (and if not, why the hell not?), you know what I’m referring to.
So it was a double defeat.
First of all, Robvegaspoker, a nationally recognized connoisseur of the female bosom, failed to personally see four bare breasts that were exposed just a few feet from where he was sitting.
OK, I can live with that, I guess. I’ve accepted the fact that there are breasts out there that I will never see. It’s tragic, but it’s a fact of life.
Of course, I’ve seen breasts before. And you might think, hey, they’re boobies. If you’ve seen two, haven’t you seen ‘em all?
(Pause for laughter)
But still, you might ask, at my age, haven’t I seen enough bare breasts for one lifetime?
In a word, no. As I discussed in my famous Slut Parade post (here), no (straight) man ever sees enough breasts. No man ever went to his grave thinking, “I’ve seen all the tits I want to see, I don’t need to see anymore.” It just doesn’t work that way. And by the way, it’s the same thing with female buttocks, female legs, etc. And honestly, we never see enough beautiful female faces, either. It’s just the way men are wired.
So if I am just a few feet away from a couple of girls flashing their ta-ta’s, of course I would want to check them out. Duh.
But more importantly, I have a duty to you, my readers. This blog was started, as I said, to relate such incidents to you, my loyal readers. I owe it to my readers to see such things and report them back to you. It was what is expected—no, it is demanded—of me by you good folks.
And last night, I felt I had let you all down. And that was the biggest disappointment from last night.
But fear not, my friends. Your intrepid reporter is nothing if not, well, intrepid. And despite the tragedy of my missing what should have been the highlight of my blogging life, I do have a story to tell, through the eyes of not one, not two, but three poker dealers who witnessed all or most of the epic event.
Rather than piece the story together for you, I’m gonna tell the tale in the order I heard it, and let you determine for yourself what the true story is. It will therefore be a sort of “Rashomon” type story.
I will be referring to three different male poker dealers, all of whom related the story, all of whom witnessed it from various perspectives. Now all three of the dealers can be considered to be poker pals of mine, and in fact, all three of them have their very own blog names right here on this very blog. But I feel it is important to give them even more anonymity than usual, so instead of their blog names, I will refer to them simply as “Dealer A,” “Dealer B,” and “Dealer C.”
It was early evening and I was seated at a table on the far side of the room, the side farthest from the Sports Book, the sports bar, and the hot nightclub that attracts the young, hip crowd, the females of which dress in extremely provocative apparel.
On the TV, the Notre Dame-Kentucky game was on. As you are likely aware, it was a close, exciting game, and with every basket, ever turnover, every blown whistle, the room was yelling and screaming. We heard the excitement right in the poker room, and also from the nearby sports bar and sports book. If you’ve ever seen a big game from a Vegas poker room, you know what I mean. It wasn’t like the Super Bowl, but it was close.
Finally the game ended and the noise quieted. Most of the folks seemed to be rooting for Notre Dame, but assuming they took the points, they should have won their bets, right?
Anyway, just a few minutes later, on the other side of the poker room, the side right next to the sports bar, there suddenly could be heard more screaming and yelling. It sounded to me like they were reacting to another big game. But there was no game on the TVs, just highlights from the game just ended. Were they that excited about the highlights?
No, that wasn’t it. Word murmured through the room that a girl—or maybe it was two—had flashed her titties to the poker players over on that side of the room.
Wait, what? And I missed that? An actual poker room tits flash?
It was too late to get up to check it out, by now the room had quieted down again, the players who had been briefly standing up were seated, and it was obvious that the girls who had allegedly flashed their boobies were gone.
I got a little info from a player who had talked to a player who had talked to a player who had seen the incident. All I got from that was that a gal lifted her top and showed the poker players in the vicinity her breasts. And that said girl was drunk. And a guy who had seen them waived his arm to get his friend’s attention (“hey, look at this”) and had accidently struck one of the girls who was with the girl flashing her goodies. Apparently no damage was down.
I was devastated that such a blog-worthy incident escaped my keen eye. But I knew it was going to be a long night of poker for me, and I was sure that if I asked enough dealers as they came into the table, I would be able to get at least a little bit of info for reporting purposes.
About an hour later, Dealer A walked by. He wasn’t coming into my table but on his way to another one. He saw me and shouted, “So, did you get something to blog about?”
“No dammit, I missed it. Did you see it?”
With that, Dealer A came over to me and told me, “Yeah, I was right there. I didn’t see the first one, just the second one.” I gathered he was coming back from a break when the incident occurred. He continued, “Some player was upset and said something like, ‘Suck my dick!’ and the girl heard that and said, ‘Well suck my tits,’ and that’s when she lifted her top.”
And then he added, “They were pretty nice too.” I asked if he meant that she was “well-endowed.” “Well, that’s not it, but they were very nice….they were pierced.”
He left to go to his table and never pushed into the table I was at.
But Dealer B came a few downs later. I had no idea if he had seen the incident, but I knew he would be a great source of info if he had. I was conveniently sitting in seat 9, immediately on the dealer’s right. After a bit, I said to Dealer B, “So, did you see the show earlier?”
Oh yes, yes he had. He was dealing at the table right next to where all the fun was. There were two girls who flashed, in succession. As soon as the first one flashed, Dealer B stopped the action at his table and pointed to what was going on. Then he and all the players stood up to get a better look. As he said, “Hey, you don’t want to miss a free show like this.”
That was just awesome, stopping the action at the table to check out the titty-flashing show. I’m sure none of the players minded.
Dealer B said the girl doing the flashing—one of them anyway—was displaying an attitude about it. It was like, “I showed you.” She was apparently upset at one of the male players and this was her way of getting back at him. Really! Dealer B was amused, “Yeah, she’s mad, she wants to show the guy what’s what, and she does it by giving us all a free show!”
As an aside, to the ladies out there, if I ever piss you off, this would be excellent way of getting back at me. It would serve me right.
Dealer B left me with one other key bit of information. He told me that Dealer C was the dealer at the table where the action was actually taking place.
And by good fortune, Dealer C pushed in to my table to replace Dealer B.
I didn’t want long to start the debrief. “Dealer C, you’re just the man I’m looking for. I heard you were the dealer at the table where the girl flashed.”
He laughed, “Yes, I was. One of the players accused me of starting the whole thing, but it wasn’t me at all. I was just the dealer.”
Apparently there were a total of four girls, walking by the poker room. They had obviously just come from the pool, wearing bikinis. They were also obviously all quite drunk. They stopped at the rail in front of the poker table right there by said rail. And they started having a debate as to which one of them had gotten drunk first. There was a pretty strong disagreement as to which one of them it was!
Anyway, for some reason, one of the nearby players at Dealer C’s table was annoyed by the girls. Why a guy would be annoyed by four girls wearing bikinis stopping near his game baffles me. As far as I heard, the girls were all pretty nice looking. Anyway, this guy was wearing a muscle shirt, and he asked the girls to move along. That’s when the girls copped an attitude, arguing with the guy.
I guess after some words, the guy said to the girl he was arguing with, “Oh yeah? Well suck my dick.” That’s when the girl said “Suck my tits,” and pulled up her bikini top.
At which point the guy pulled up his muscle shirt and said, “suck my tits.” And there were his man boobs on display for all the world to see. I don’t think anybody liked this, and Dealer C said to him, “Don’t show your boobs again, sir. If you show your boobs again, I’m going to kill your hand.”
I guess in response to seeing the man boobs, one of the other girls joined in and showed her boobies as well.
And they walked off, but Dealer C confirmed the girls had the attitude that they had won the argument, that “We showed them.” Yes, indeed they did. Again, a great way for ladies to show us guys what’s what. It was really weird the attitude they showed while showing their tits. Like, “take that, you assholes. This will put you in your place.”
I thought that was the end of it, but later in his down, Dealer C pushed me a really nice pot. The details of that pot, and the rest of this poker session, will be reserved for a future post. But I tipped Dealer C generously for the pot, even more than the size of the pot required, and I said to him, “I’m giving you extra for the story.”
And suddenly Dealer C remembered another part of the story. “I almost forgot. There was a guy from Austria who recorded the whole thing.” Wait, what? Is this guy still in the room? Can I get the video? I think he was gone.
But Dealer C said the Austrian man had just been saying how much he loves Vegas before the drunk girls had come by. He was saying that, “you can get anything you want here, anything. As long as you have money, anything you want is available.”
And moments later the show started. And he whipped out his camera or his cell phone and recorded the whole thing. For free. Didn’t cost him a dime.
Dealer C said the guy had left, but I said, “well, he’s got to upload the video to Youtube. I mean, he will do that, right? It may already be posted.” Dealer C said he doubted it would have gotten uploaded that fast. But everyone at the table imagined all of us searching Youtube in the coming days for various variations of the “poker room tits flash.”
I know all my readers will join me in scouring the internet for that video. I suppose he may wait until he returns to Austria to upload it. But as soon as you find it, please let me know.
Terrible disappointing, but still a good story, I guess. Just wish I could have seen it firsthand.