Thursday, June 19, 2014

"Have You Ever Seen a Butt That Great on a Real Woman?"

During my May trip to Vegas, I played in three tournaments.  You already read about the biggest disaster (see here).  The other two were more-or-less the regular Binion’s Saturday deepstacks that I like to play. Since the “Binion’s Classic” series had started, both of these were part of that—the only difference was that during the classic, they added a 30-minute dinner break.  The jury is still out as to whether I’ll do a post on the first one I played.  This post discusses the second Saturday I played.

This was the weekend of the Millionaire Maker event at the WSOP, but sadly, I didn’t have a spare $1,500 lying around to enter that.  Apparently a lot of people didn’t, because the turnout for the Binion’s tourney was huge. A total of 228 bought in, the total prize pool was more than double the $10K guarantee.  Twenty-seven would get paid, the min cash was $275 (the buy-in was $140) and first place was over $6K. 

The turnout was so big that they ran out of both tables and dealers.  In fact, the wonderful Audrey was at our table for three consecutive downs (they just didn’t have enough dealers to do a push).  Readers who have memorized all my posts (and I know that’s most of you) will recall that Audrey discovered my blog because she was a reader of Poker Grump’s blog.

I had said hello to her before the tournament but we hadn’t had any particular conversation while she was dealing to us.  And then, a player in the small blind hit a big hand playing the mighty deuce-four. He had a straight that his opponent couldn’t put him on because he wasn’t expecting him to play deuce-four (obviously a fish).  As he swept in the pot, the loser said, “You played deuce-four!?”   The winner said, “I was the big blind!  Nobody raised!”

Of course, I already had made a mental note of deuce-four winning, and then Audrey looked straight at me and said, “Deuce-four!  The most powerful hand in poker!”  I laughed and said, “Yes, the Grump.”  No one else paid attention to our private conversation.

My first table was fairly close to the restrooms.  As the first break approached, with every table in the tournament area full, someone commented on how jammed the Men’s Room was going to be.  Audrey said, “Yes….it’s going to be standing room only in there.”

One of the total shocks of this tournament was seeing the lady I dubbed “The Bubble Bitch.”  Oh, I’ve seen her play since she earned that moniker (see here), but this time she was actually dealing the tournament. 

Yes indeed.  She was one of the rent-a-dealers that they use at Binion’s.  They use a dealers service for the Saturday tournament and of course for the Classic.  You can tell who is an employee and who is a rental by the different colored shirts they wear.  I heard Bubble Bitch’s name called out and was shocked to look over and see her dealing the tournament.  Recall that after she created a scene that one time, the T.D. had told us that she was actually a poker dealer, but not at Binion’s. No way.

Heh heh.  And here she was dealing right at this very tournament.  As it happened, she never came over to any table I was playing, and she left long before the tournament was over. And also before that very T.D. started his shift.  But later, I couldn’t wait to take a minute during the break and ask him about her.  He was very professional in indicating that it wasn’t his idea.  Then he mentioned that she’s very professional when dealing, but he would like it if she’d show more enthusiasm.  I suggested she might not have the best possible reaction if she was dealing a cash game and didn’t get tipped. He kind of chuckled like he wanted to tell me a story about that, but thought better of it.

Of course, this time of year, there is a very heavy demand for dealers due to the WSOP and all the other poker series going on around town.  I immediately thought of a line from one of my all-time favorite movies, Mister Roberts.  Roberts, played by the legendary Henry Fonda, finally tells off the Captain, played by the equally legendary James Cagney.  The film takes place during the waning days of World War II.  Mr. Roberts tells the Captain, “I realize that in wartime they have to scrape the bottom of the barrel, but where did they ever scrape you of off?”  For some reason that line has really stuck with me, even though it’s been a zillion years since I last saw it.  If you never seen the movie, I can’t recommend it enough, a really terrific film.  I tried to find a clip of that scene to embed, but couldn’t.

I couldn’t help thinking that they were scraping the bottom of the barrel using the Bubble Bitch to deal.  Audrey was still around and I also commented to her about it.  Recall that the first time I saw her after posting the Bubble Bitch post, she came over to me and told me that she had correctly guessed BB’s identity from my description. Anyway, she just looked at me with a “WTF” expression on her face, rolling her eyes in disbelief that BB was one of her co-workers, if only for a day.

Right near the tournament area is a store that sells really cheap hats, t-shirts and jackets.  And right by our first table there was a female mannequin modeling a tee-shirt.  It wasn’t a full mannequin, just a torso.  No head, no legs, no arms.  But it did have a butt, with tight shorts on.  And since it was made to order, it had a really nice butt. Seriously, the mannequin designer clearly intended to design the greatest ass of all time.

After Audrey was finally relieved, a young guy came to deal.  He was directly facing the mannequin.  All the players at the table were guys.  Suddenly he said, “Honestly now, have you ever seen anything close to a butt that great on a real woman?”  We all looked at it and laughed.  Then another guy said, “You know, when you think about it, that’s really the perfect woman.”

We all laughed, although I did think it was a pretty demeaning thing to say about the fairer sex.  And not at all accurate.  I can think of a few things women can do with their mouths that come in real handy.  Oh yes, plus, they need them to talk.

Anyway, the dealer then mentioned that he had been to the Mirage for the first time in years the night before.  He said that in the past, he’d usually see a few hookers.  But this time, he couldn’t believe how many there were….he said they were tons of them, all lined up.  Then he finally realized that they weren’t hookers, they were just girls lined up to get into the nightclub.

Duh.  Of course I had to explain it to him.  “The hookers dress a lot more conservatively than the club girls.  That’s how you can tell.  If you see a girl dressed really slutty, she’s going to the club, she’s not a hooker.”  Do I still have to explain this to people---especially people who live in Vegas?  I felt like giving him a link to my Slut Parade post right there at the table.

As for the poker, I played a long time—10 hours.  And I was fairly short-stacked the entire time.  I never really had a decent stack after the early levels.  But I kept hanging on.

The early levels were not good, and by the time we got to level 6 (400/800), my stack was down to $12,600 (from a $20K start).  I was getting the feeling this wasn’t going to be my day, and I really didn’t feel like playing hours and hours more without cashing.  Here’s when I decided to be a little more aggressive, and if I bust, I bust; I haven’t taken up the whole day and evening with nothing to show for it.   But if I can catch a double up or two, I can maybe make a long run after all.

So when it folded to me on the button with Ace-Jack off, I shoved.  But I had some additional information.  The small blind to my left hadn’t noticed I still had cards, and I could see he was grabbing chips to just complete his bet.  Knowing he wasn’t going to raise helped make it easier for me to play that aggressive, I figured he didn’t like his hand all that much if he was only going to call.  So I only had one hand to worry about, the big blind.

Wrong.  The small blind, faced with my all-in bet, announced a call.  He had about $9K left.  The big blind got out of the way.  The small blind flipped over Ace-Queen.  Ugh.  I was sure he was only planning to limp in if I had folded (or limped).  Weird, in his situation that’s an automatic shove, I would think.

Anyway, he was looking pretty good until a Jack showed up on the turn.  That actually gave him a gut shot, but he missed, he was gone, and I had a near double up.

I lost some chips raising with 8-8 and folding to a three bet.  Then I raised with King-Jack from the small blind (it was just the two of us) and didn’t get called.  Very next hand, in the big blind with King-4 off, it folded to the small blind, who had a pretty big stack, and surprisingly, just limped in.  I checked.

The flop was King-5-4, two clubs.  Nice.  The small blind bet $550 and I made it $2,400.  He re-raised (didn’t note the amount) and I just shoved.  He had 8-5 of clubs.  Lucky for me, he missed, and I had a nice double up.  This had been a good level for me.

On level 7 I picked up some chips when someone raised in front of me while I was holding pocket Aces.  He didn’t call my three-bet.

I started level 8 with $41K but lost a bunch of chips raising with K-Q and pocket 5’s and c-betting both.  Neither hit (and on the 5’s hand there were overcards like crazy).

So by level 9 (200/800/1600) I was down to $15,900.  In other words, desperate.  And honestly, I would have been ok with busting out before the next break, after level 12.  That’s when they had the dinner break.  If I was still alive, I would have to have a very rushed, not very pleasant dinner at the nearby deli—most likely a couple of mediocre hot dogs.  If I busted before then, I could move on, have a better dinner, and play some cash back at BSC.  My prospects for a big cash—or any cash—seemed extremely remote.

I shoved with Ace-7, first in.  No call.  I shoved with pocket Kings, first in.  No call.  I shoved with Ace-4 and was called by King-Jack (shorter stack than mine).  Ace on the flop, Jack on the turn, blank on the river.

(And……this is really a close call, but I’m going to do this as a two-parter.  It’s not really that long (by my standards) but I’m short on content as I head back to Vegas for my longest trip of the year, and spreading this tournament recap over two posts will help keep fresh material on the blog while I’m in Vegas getting more stories.  Part 2 can now be found here)


  1. What's with this cliffhanger, season finale stuff??? #ripoff

    1. Ripoff?

      OK, if you leave your bank routing number and the account number in a comment, I'll be glad to send you double your money back.

  2. I'm totally expecting the next post to read
    "Next hand I get the Dreaded Pocket Kings and push, I get 3 callers. Big stack flips over 72 suited and the flop is 772 and I'm out of the tournament"

    Nothing before and nothing after except maybe a picture of an ass followed by a hot chick

    1. Not quite grrouch, but I will tell you there's a big, big hand involving the dreaded pocket kings.

  3. to quote vincent hanna from the movie Heat. "bcuz she had a great ass"

    1. Welcome back, anger. Its been a while since you checked in. I was worried that you had OD'd.

    2. OD'd????????? on weed????????LOL. sir, dont believe the hype

    3. Weed is a gateway drug, anger. We all know it leads to harder Mountain Dew Baja Blast!