Friday, July 6, 2012

Penis Jokes & Vagina Talk

This post will consist of two seemingly unconnected stories that I am tying together.  The first story involves penis jokes; the second involves vagina mentionings.  Penises and vaginas?  Yeah, I guess those can sometimes fit together nicely.
The first story goes back to my arrival in Vegas last month.  I ended up having to stay the first night at the LVH—The Las Vegas Hotel. Until recently, this property was known as the Las Vegas Hilton, but apparently they recently severed their ties with the Hilton Corporation and now have no connection with that hotel chain.  I have no idea why this happened, but I strongly suspect that it might very well be because it has been so many years since Paris Hilton released a sex tape that they had given up hope of her releasing another.
Upon arriving in Vegas after the long drive from L.A., I had a rather urgent need to use the Men's Room.  So I immediately went to the one in the main casino before doing anything else.  As I was doing what comes naturally, I looked up over the urinals and was rather taken aback by the decor of the restroom.
Posted over each urinal were very large pictures of a bunch of rather hot looking women, all posed so that they are looking downward.  The obvious implication is that they are looking at the guys’ members as they are doing their business.
And reacting to what they see.
As you can hopefully make out from the pictures accompanying this post, the hot girls are basically reacting to the size—or lack of size—of the penises they would be seeing from their vantage point.  Unfortunately, my cell phone did a lousy job of capturing the images, I guess because of the excessive fluorescent lighting in the Men’s Room.  I only took a couple of pics, because, you know, getting caught taking pictures in a Men’s Room could be even more problematic that getting caught following a hooker





But basically, the girls are all acting either impressed with the guy’s equipment, or laughing at it.  There are pictures with the girls holding magnifying glasses, tape measures, their hands wide apart, their fingers closely held together, etc. In other words….penis jokes.  Every conceivable reaction a woman could have upon first seeing a guy’s penis is probably represented. Note, I didn't get any pictures of the ones where the girls had tape measures, but there were quite a few.
I was surprised for a couple of reasons.  First of all, I was shocked to find this in a Men’s Room at a seemingly respectable casino, the main Men’s Room in fact.  I might expect something like this at a sleazy bar in the middle of nowhere, that appealed to a “certain type of clientele”—but not at an otherwise decent casino in Vegas. It wasn’t even a downtown casino—it was right in the Strip area (not on, but near) and is the main hotel used for many of the conventions at the Vegas Convention Center, which is right next door.
The other thing is that, well, some guys are known to have “shy bladders”—or perhaps are just plain shy—and it could easily slow the process they went in there to take care of.  Or…since the girls depicted are quite attractive, perhaps a different physical reaction might be produced among some of the younger, hornier guys in need of relief—making the process of elimination difficult if not impossible.  On a busy night in the casino, these two effects could easily combine to create a backup in the restroom where one otherwise might occur.
Extremely low class penis jokes in the main casino of a major Vegas hotel?  Who’da thunk it?
That leaves us with the vagina-portion of this post.  If you suspected that this section involves the delightful Prudence, you obviously know my blog.
This story picks up from where I left off in this post here, when, after the AVP tournament, I had joined Prudence at BSC.  As I noted in that post, she was not drinking on this nite, having only bottled water in front of her.  Usually this means a more restrained, less outrageous Prudence.  But she already had announced to the table (and probably a few neighboring ones) that I had had my ass grabbed by a “girl with big juggs,”  earlier in the nite, so you can see she was not exactly reserved on this nite.
Anyway, there was a hand when the guy next to her, who she had gotten to know and bit and was now quite friendly with, failed to make a bet on the river of a hand he won.  I’m not sure of the details, but I am thinking he had a straight and was worried about a flush.  Anyway, as he was stacking up his chips, Prudence couldn’t help commenting on his missed value bet, as only she can.
“Whoa,” she said, “What happened there?  What’s between your legs?  Where are your balls, sir? Do you have a vagina?”
I was only surprised because I knew that she was not drinking that night.  From my experience, she usually only starts uttering the v-word after she has a few adult beverages under her belt.  So when I stopped laughing (and of course, everyone else laughed, including the “victim” of this criticism), I said to her, “I thought you weren't drinking tonite.”  Note that we weren’t sitting next to each other and thus everyone could hear this.
She said, “Well, I don’t have to drink to be myself.  That’s what my therapist has been telling me.  She said, ‘You don’t have to drink to say vagina.’”
I said, “Yes, I’m sure that’s an exact quote from your shrink.”  She just laughed.
But that did lead to an interesting story from the guy who had just been accused by Prudence of having a vagina.  Prudence had already discovered this gentlemen had recently gotten his MBA.  He said that as part of this process, it is necessary to give an oral presentation (not sure if this should properly called a “dissertation” or not).  So, he and a few of his friends offered another MBA candidate $100 from each of them if this guy would say the word “vagina” in his MBA oral presentation.  They thought he couldn’t/wouldn’t do it, but in fact he did—and, so this poker player claimed—actually did it in perfect context, it totally fit in with his speech.
This guy was offered the same deal but he couldn’t do it.  And he never went into further detail, so I’ll never know how “vagina” fits in to an MBA oral presentation.
But just imagine this.  What are the odds of a guy with a story like this finding himself sitting next to Prudence for a night of poker?  If he had sat at any other poker table in Vegas that night, he likely wouldn’t have found an excuse to tell that story.

((Edited to add, fellow blogger Waffles commented below with a link to an entire page full of pics of funny urinals, some similar in theme what I saw at the LVH.  I highly recommend you check it out, the post is here.))

29 comments:

  1. I always stand under the one with the magnifying glass so I don't misrepresent myself.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, it could stand for "too many inches" but based on your earlier comment, I think not.

      Too Much Information.

      Delete
    2. I don't believe in the credo Too Much Info.
      I think everything should be shared, that is why I have a blog after all.

      Some people out there want to know that I can screw a cheerio without breaking it, Josie for instance (you know, since we are going to have a Devil's 4-way).

      Delete
    3. Well, I do a blog where most of the people I talk about I give fake names to, so I DO believe in TMI.

      And I really, really, really could have done without that visual of you assaulting a Cheerio.

      No 4-ways for me, devils or otherwise. Only if the other three are women.

      Delete
    4. No no no! No 4 way for me. I'd get jealous when the other guys held your attention.

      Delete
    5. Whose attention are you referring to? Mine or grrouchie's?

      No matter, no other guy is ever going to hold my "attention." (is that what they call it on the east coast?)

      Delete
  2. Maybe in September I'll go to BSC and sing a little song:

    Dear Prudence, won't you come out to play?
    Dear Prudence, greet the brand new day
    The sun is up, the sky is blue
    It's beautiful and so are you
    Dear Prudence, won't you come out to play?

    She'll be mine before the sun (or she) goes down ...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm sure her boyfriend is nervous as hell.

      Delete
  3. Poor taste?! As my young friends would say, " Pfft, B, you be trippin'."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I never said it was in poor taste. I said it was low class.

      Delete
    2. Poor taste is eating the pink mints that they leave in the toilet.

      Delete
    3. One more like that and I'm gonna have to have the vomit cleaned off my keyboard.

      Delete
  4. Rob, that blog post is excellent! I'm gonna be in Vegas next week, so I may need to visit the former "big Hilton" and take a leak. Whoever came up with that urinal idea is a genius. They certainly got people talking (blogging) about the girl's in the pictures, and your comments are quite excellent. You are correct, hot babes in the pictures could make pissing performance impossible.

    Before I die I want to meet Prudence. That girl has balls making comments like that at poker tables filled with men! Wow. You go girl!

    Keep all these stories comming Rob. I look forward to each of your posts. Woody

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Is "Woody" your real name or does it just describe your ... uhh ... status after reading about the girly pictures above the urinal? lol

      Delete
    2. Thanks Woody, I knew that post would be right up your alley. As for meeting Prudence, according to Josie, she doesn't exist, so how could you meet her?

      Lightning, trust me, you don't want to know the real reason he is named "Woody."

      Delete
  5. I am SHOCKED that you didn't ask for a transcript of the presentation, let alone the acceptable context...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Coach, I believe I did ask the guy for the context but he didn't respond, instead mentioning that he was given the same offer and couldn't do it.

      I suspect that based on the rapport they had built up, Prudence could have gotten a full explanation out of him but she didn't ask. But then, keep in mind, to her, there is never a wrong time to say "vagina."

      Delete
    2. Rob, there is always room for vagina

      Delete
    3. Words to live by, grrouchie.

      Delete
  6. Was the first part of the post one of those "written in humor" ones that you've previously mentioned? Cause of not, you may need to loosen ip juuuust a bit. I can't imagine anyone with stage fright is going to have any more issues closing due to pictures above a urinal. And I've seen the same thing ( no, it's not original...) In restrooms of some very high end restaurants on the East Coast...loosen up.

    Frankly, I was really enjoying you blog when you discussed poker, but lately it seems to revolve around you discussing meeting other bloggers and the antics there, with a hand or two occasionally...that's fine, of course it is your blog, but after a while, we get it. Prudence says vagina...whoopee...its not suprising anymore..

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Genemeboy, I appreciate your comments, I do. When I first started this blog, I wondered if the combination of poker talk and salacious Vegas stories would be a good combination. Would the folks who want to read about poker be put off by the silliness? Would the people who like the silliness (see Woody, above) be turned off by the poker? But you know, it seems to be working out ok. Obviously I can't please everyone. So be it.

      Regarding the "humor" in the urinals....I really was surprised by something that low class in a Vegas casino. Maybe I've led a too sheltered life. Maybe that's why I find it amusing when the word "vagina" is used at the poker table.

      Delete
    2. Hi geonome boy! Long time no see!

      Delete
    3. Josie, I follow you and rob (and everyone else as my real name, jasonssimon) not sure why my Google profile comes up as genomeboy...

      For all those following at home, I know/have met a few discussed in this blog...

      Frankly, those pictures are not really low class. They are "hip" and edgy, but not low class.

      Delete
    4. Jason thanks again for your comments, your opinions, and your readership. I really do appreciate it. I know there's a danger of me going off too far in one direction or the other, but basically, I'm going to write the posts I want to, and hopefully that will keep readers amused.

      I do find it amusing that here I am, the guy who has too many posts with "vagina" in them saying that the bathrooms I described are low class and you disagree. I just think context is everything. Obviously I don't offend easily. But in a casino--a nice one, not a dump--I find it surprising and off putting.

      Would it keep me from doing business with them again? Absolutely not.

      Delete
  7. Figured you might enjoy this.
    http://thechive.com/2012/07/06/bizarre-urinals-why-shouldnt-you-have-fun-while-you-go-27-photos/

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Waffles (wow, words I never thought I'd say). That was a great link. Everyone should check it out.

      And is it true that they just posted that piece TODAY? Same day as I did my post on urinals? What a coincidence. I guess this is National Urinal Day on the web.

      Delete
    2. That link gives me so many ideas of things to do with my first mansion and it's 23 bathrooms

      Delete