Friday, August 31, 2012

"Just My Luck, Someone Grabbed My Boobs and it's a Girl"

OK, I’ve done quite a few pure poker posts in a row now.  That’s all well and good, but I know what my readers are really clamoring for.  I can hear you now. “Enough with the damn poker hands.  What’s going on with Prudence?
Well, as it turns out, on this month’s trip to Vegas, I barely saw her.  She didn’t play poker and just dropped into the BSC poker room for a few minutes while I happened to be there.  She may have given up the game.  Perhaps scarier, she may have given up demon rum.  Why?  Well perhaps the story I am tell to tell will explain it.
This tale goes back to July, the last time we played poker together. On this night, we both got to the poker room fairly early—while most of the day shift dealers were still working. We were immediately able to sit at the same table next to each other.  When Susan came over to us to get our chips, I remembered the story of Isabel grabbing Susan’s crotch (story told here).  Now I actually had texted Prudence about that incident when it happened, but Susan’s presence reminded me of the story and I mentioned it to Prudence.  To my surprise, Ann overheard me.  Ann was the dealer, and she is on the day shift.  This was her last or second to last down of the day.  She works the same shift as Isabel, the crotch-grabber in my story.  Of course in talking to Prudence, I used Isabel’s real name.
Ann knows me (and of course, Prudence) but not as well as the dealers who work the swing shift.  But I was surprised that, in response to my mentioning Isabel’s grabbing Susan’s crotch the other night, she said, “Yeah, I heard about that.”  Now Ann had been done with her shift and long gone from the poker room when that incident happened.  So I said, “really?” and she said, “Yeah….no secrets in the poker room. I was not the source of her knowledge for the incident.
So guess who replaced Ann as the dealer at our table?  None other than Isabel herself.  This was the first time I’d seen her since the crotch-grabbing story and there was something very different about her.  She was stone-cold sober.  I almost didn’t recognize her.
I said hi and since she didn’t seem to know me when I was playing with Ginger and her the other night, and since she was quite drunk when I was playing with her that night, I’m not sure if she remembered me or remembered playing with me a few nights earlier.  I asked if she was busy at the “clubs”—a reference to the strip clubs where she and Ginger worked the poles (as described by Ginger on that night) but she either didn’t hear me or didn’t have any idea what I was talking about.  I didn’t follow up.  I was kind of hoping that Prudence would say something to her about the crotch-grabbing, but she did not.  Perhaps because the drinks she was starting to order hadn’t kicked in.
But apparently Prudence was feeling neglected on the blog.  A few posts had gone by without her being mentioned.  So she said to me, “So, what’s up with the blog?  You used to like girls talking about their vaginas.”
I just laughed.  But to give equal time to the boys, at one point early, in a hand she felt I played too soft (so to speak) by not making a river bet, she said, “Where are your balls?  Have they not descended yet?”
Remember the Palestinian guy from this post?  Well, as I mentioned in that post, he would eventually met Prudence and become friendly with her.  Here’s where that happened.  When he first took a seat on the other side of the table from us, I pointed him out to Prudence and told her he was a loose aggressive 2/5 player playing “down” at the 1/2 game.  And sure enough they got into a few hands and seemed to be testing each other.  But somehow, they seemed to be enjoying the friendly banter and became buddies.  So much so that, when the seat next to her opened up, she asked him to move there and he jumped at the chance.
Once he sat next to her, the reason he was so eager to move became obvious to me.  He was trying to get into her pants.
After trying to impress her with what a big a gambler he was, he invited her to join him at some high-rollers only event that was a few weeks away.  She said yes, as long as it was understood she you would also be taking Tom, her boyfriend.  Well, that wasn’t exactly what the Palestinian had in mind.  He kept bringing it up though, and whenever she responded that Tom would also be attending, he dropped the subject.
In an apparent attempt to impress Prudence—the logic of which totally escapes me—he told the story of how some small breasted woman stopped him in the elevator of a big casino a few weeks earlier.  A total stranger, she never the less asked the Palestinian if he thought her tits were big enough.  Apparently, he gave the girl the thumbs up, then told us that what he really likes is big asses.  Did we need to know that?  Did I need to blog that?  Well, only because his mentioning of that caused him to sing a few choruses of the “I Like Big Butts” song. Which was even a 1000 times worse than the original.
I have to confess something weird here.  He referred to the lady in question as having “small tits”—and I was oddly offended that he used the word “tits” in telling the story to Prudence.  I mean, some women are offended by the word, how did he know Prudence wasn’t one of them? It also struck me as a weird story to tell and a weird choice of words considering he was trying to hit on her.
Of course, this was before both anal sex and oral sex were discussed.  I happened to mention a certain blogger who I won’t name that blogged about performing a certain service for a woman of his acquaintance.  This was whispered discreetly to Prudence.  Her reply was not so discreet.  “Oh, vagina licking, I like that.”  When this was heard at the other end of the table, and a few of the players did double-takes, she said, “Hey, we’re talking about oral sex over here.”
Later, and I’m not sure what the context was or if there even was one, Prudence announced to the table that a lot of guys are into anal sex as a power thing.  But it’s not her thing. 
And then a bit later, when she came back from a visit to the Ladies Room, she announced to the entire table, “Guess what everyone?  I just got my period.”
This caused an immediate silence over the table.  She continued, “Yeah, I just shoved some cotton up my vagina.  Not pregnant!”
In case you couldn’t tell, the alcohol she was consuming was really starting to take affect.  This makes her especially chatty with the players as the hands are being played out.  A brand new player at the table—a guy—soon was contesting a pot with her.  She made a big raise, causing the guy to stop and think.  While he was thinking, she said to him, across the table, “Yeah, you’ll be dealing with my vagina.”  He said, “Yeah, we’ll see how that goes.”
A massage girl came by and asked if anyone wanted a massage.  By now Prudence was fairly plastered.  She asked the girl if she could get a free one.  “Do you work for free?    Sorry, just kidding.”  Although it was clear that Prudence was both kidding and drunk, the massage girl was not amused and made a nasty comment asking if Prudence worked for free.  Of course, Palestinian guy heard this and asked if he could get one with a “happy ending.”  Palestinian guy had a friend with him that Prudence had met.  They don’t like playing at the same table.  So in response to his request for a happy ending, she said to him, “Yeah, bring your friend over, both of you at the same time.  Like ski polls.”  She then made a motion with both hands….well you can figure it out.
Jane was floor this evening.  I mentioned her in this entry here, where Prudence’s boyfriend Tom accidentally elbowed her boob.  So funny thing.  Prudence went to grab Jane’s boob.  Now I actually didn’t see how that started.  I’m not sure if it was an accident or a joke.  Or if, given enough alcohol, of which she had had plenty at this point, Prudence starts liking women, you know, that way.  Maybe she was thinking about the story of Isabel grabbing Susan’s crotch that I told her back when she was still sober.  Whatever, at least based on Jane’s comment, she didn’t just try to grab her boob, she succeeded.  
Because what Jane said was, “Just my luck, someone grabs my boobs and it’s a girl.”  She took off immediately after saying that, so I yelled after her, “I can fix that.”
Now, since I didn’t get a response, I assumed at the time that Jane hadn’t heard me.  But the next evening, or the next time I saw her, she made it clear that she did indeed hear me say it and just chose to ignore it because she knew I was kidding.  Which is good.
At one point, clearly feeling the effects of the booze, Prudence gave the waitress an extra dollar for the drink she was being handed.  One for the drink and one to make sure the waitress skipped her on the next round.  This was a good idea, but when she changed her mind, the Palestinian’s friend ordered a drink for her anyway.
I suppose you might be wondering about the poker.  Yeah, we were actually playing poker.  And I was having a bad night.  On this trip, I kept flopping 2 pair and running into straights.  So I was stacked when, with K-10, someone flopped Broadway with a KJ10.  I wondered why he didn’t raise preflop with AQ?  And Prudence’s new Palestinian’s pal took time off from trying to get into her pants by taking some chips from me when I had a big overpair to the board with 2 6’s on it.  And he had a six of course. He was playing a totally shit hand, of course.
But I stacked a guy with KK (!!!) when we both got it all in preflop.  Yeah, I had Aces and they held up.  And my buddy George did me right when I hit a set with pocket deuces and filled up when the turn paired 10’s.  Even better, a guy with a 10 doubled me up.
And then there’s Prudence.  She was given her last drink—the forbidden one—and was pretty much chugging it down while Tom was getting ready to take her home.  And on her last hand, she got into it again with the guy she had warned would have to deal with her vagina.  There was a raise, a re-raise, and suddenly she announced all-in.  She showed me her hand, pocket Jacks.  Now, oddly enough, the guy took a rather long time to call, but he eventually did.  He had her covered.  I think they both showed, she her Jacks, he his…pocket Aces?  Yeah, pocket Aces.  So why was he so hesitant about calling her shove?  It was sort of a pre-slow roll.  Prudence thought that he was just trying to be a jerk, somehow teaching her a lesson,
Anyway, the flop and the turn were benign, but of course the river was…a jack!  Yeah she had sucked out on the guy by hitting her two-outer on the river.  Awesome.  For her that is.  For him, not so much.  No matter, he was a jerk for not insta-calling her shove.  He got what was coming to him.
Note, I had actually seen Prudence make this exact same move, with the exact same result, before.  See the post here.  Another time she shoved with Jacks vs Aces, and pulled a lucky river Jack out of her ass.  So the moral of the story is, you really don’t want to be dealt pocket Aces when Prudence is dealt pocket Jacks. 
That was her last hand, as Tom came up to take her home while she was stacking her chips.  The guy who lost, who was of course quite pissed, complaining that she was leaving after winning such a huge pot.  But Tom pointed out that she had only been playing for about 8 hours.  I was a bit surprised she was able to walk out under her own power, considering how much booze she had consumed that night.  But she did, and when I played poker with her the next night, she didn’t have a drop of alcohol.  Which I think for her own sake, is a good thing


  1. See, I'm not "obsessed with bosoms" at all!

  2. Oh btw, Prudence was really looking forward to meeting you. She'll be very disappointed that you had to cancel your next visit out to Vegas.

    Hope you feel better soon.