Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Why Not a Jewish Themed Hotel/Casino?

It was recently announced that an “Asian gaming powerhouse” planned to build a new Asian-themed resort on the site of the old Stardust, buying that property from Boyd Gaming.  You can read about it here.

I sent the link to my friend Luv Malts, who, as I explained here, is one of the people most responsible for me starting the blog.  I knew as a Vegas aficionado (she's always loved Vegas), she would be interested.
LM, as I call her here, is Jewish, as am I.  She responded with a political incorrect email wondering why someone hasn’t done a Jewish-themed hotel-casino yet. And then she had some thoughts on what that would be like, presented below:

“The Shalom House”
·         Must show lack of foreskin to register at hotel (private facilities will be provided where the cocktail waitresses will provide verification.  Could be a major draw to the hotel).
·         Free lox and bagels at check-in, plus two for one buffet coupons.
·         Courtesy and compliments are forbidden.  Only kvetching and complaints are allowed.
·         Upgraded room comes with AK* Jewish mother at no extra charge.  She stays in your room and points at your clothes that need to be ironed and hung up.  She insists that you eat more at time of room service because you are all skin and bones.  Nagging is included.
·         10% discount with proof of physician or attorney as family member or extended mishpucha.
·         Cocktail waitresses:  Skimpy, sexy Israeli-type gals that wear barely nothing except a very large Uzi strapped across their enormous bosoms.
I thought these were great, and I came up with a few of my own:
·         No restaurant in the hotel serves mayonnaise.
·         If a customer even asks for mayonnaise, he is escorted off the property, and no refunds are given.
·         The poker room offers several tables of No Limit Dreidel in addition to regular poker.
·         Players are required to tip the dealers when they win (what am I?  A Schnorrer?)
·         If a Jewish man registers at the hotel and is single, he is immediately introduced to three Jewish mothers who will sing the praises of their eligible, single daughters.  If he marries one of them before his stay is over, there is no charge for his visit.
·         All hookers who solicit in the hotel are verified shiksas.  No nice Jewish girl would ever do such a thing.
·         The “house wine” at all bars and restaurants is Manischewitz.
Feel free to use the comments section to add more.
*-AK does not mean Ace-King.  In this case, it means “Alter Kocker” which translates from the Yiddish into “old fart.”


  1. Replies
    1. Yeah, I suppose there's a lot of good food we left out. Oy vey.

  2. 1. Will you have to be a moyle (or at least, make a brucha) to cut the cards?

    2. I gave you that dreidl joke when you wrote about a Jewish poker tournament on Xmas.

    1. 1. Probably need to say a brucha every time there's a dealer change.

      2. Yes, that's true. Thanks. I owe you a sponge cake.

  3. Love the post (of course) and your picture... hehe. And don't forget I have a picture of me when I was young and supple on the Lebanon border with an Uzi strapped to my chest. !!! Really.

    I certainly hope the Shalom House will have a full-size deli (not a fast food set up). I want to be able to dine in fashion on matzo brie and rye bread. And its gotta be real Jewish pastrami with Beaver mustard. No exceptions.

    The only day the place shuts down is Yom Kippur. But everyone could go over to New York, New York for a day.

    Mazel Tov!

    1. I remember that picture! Regarding the pic I did use, I intentionally didn't identify the woman, wondering if anyone would ask who she was or why it was appropriate for the post.

      I wonder how many people are familiar with Beaver--mustard that is?

      I agree, nothing goes better with pastrami than Beaver.

    2. OOOPS.....I didn't properly thank you for you contributions. Thanks!

    3. Rob, even a schlemazel like me can recognize Bar Refaeli. I'm looking for a shidduch if you can hook me up with her. If anything should come of it, you can be my sandek at the bris.

      Even though I'll get back-to-back royal flushes before that happens, a man can dream, no?

    4. LOL, Mr. S! Maybe the best comment this blog has ever gotten. Certainly the funniest!.

      Thanks for the laughs.

      As long as we're dreaming, you can get in line behind me for Ms. Refaeli.

      Even tho she's definitely NOT a shiksa.

    5. Incredible comment Mr. Subliminal. I have to admit that Bar Rafaeli is one hot babe. I particularly love it when she french kisses a nerd.

    6. YOU love it? How do you think the nerd feels?

      I couldn't find a picture of Bar with an Uzi, or any kind of kind to match your word imagery. The ammo was the closest I could get.

  4. Rob, are you saying there will be "Hot Israeli Beaver" available at this hotel?

    We need Prudence to weigh in an comment on this blog post.

    Cheers. That Jewish Casino post is really funny. Thanks Woody

    1. Thanks, Woody. I just hope as a shaygetz, you weren't offended.

  5. Asian Themed casino?
    I picture things a lot differently than the casino will turn out and thus I'll be disappointed.
    Oh, I picture things much much differently.

    Massage Parlor?
    Hentai room?
    Night Club decorated in nothing but creepy Asian cartoon porn? Tentacles molesting undersized girls?

    I'm going to hell

    1. Of that I have no doubt, grrouchie!

      Didn't they just close down an Asian themed casino? You know, Imperial Palace, now known as The Quad?

  6. ha ha, nice post. Yeah the Imperial was kind of Asian themed no?!

    1. Thanks, nailedontheriver (may I call you "nailed" for short?

      Yes, Imperial Palace was definitely Asian themed. Remember the Geisha Bar?