Sunday, April 21, 2013

"I'm Small—Like My Vagina"

The Return of Natalee, Part 2
Note:  Be sure to read part 1 of this post first, below or see here, before reading this.  This post picks up right where part 1 ended.
When she came back from her pee/cigarette break, she stoped to talk to me.  “I know you.  I know you. Where do I know you from?  Is it ABSC?”  OK, I just made up that “ABSC” part.  She mentioned the name of Another Big Strip Casino that has a big poker room.  And I could use the name of it, except, if I did, you all would know that casino couldn’t be BSC.  So we’ll just have to call it ABSC.  Apparently, Natalee is a regular there.  Hmm, I might have to start playing there!
I replied, “No, no, it’s not from ABSC.  It’s from here.  I played with you in January, right here.”

“Oh, yeah, yeah, I put all those guys on tilt, didn’t I?”

“Yeah.  But not me.  I never had any problem with you.”

“Yeah, yeah, you weren’t mean to me.  I like you.”

Crazy Natalee likes me.

So I asked what her name was, even though I know I will never reveal it on the blog.  But this way, I can put it in my log of “name conversations” instead of referring to just as “crazy woman who puts guys on tilt.”  I gave her my name when she told me hers.  She doesn’t look like a……well, she’ll always be “Natalee” to me.

The problem with Natalee liking me was it made it easy for her to ask to borrow my jacket.  You see, it was extremely cold in the BSC poker room this night, as it had been the past few nights.  I had already complained to the Shift Supervisor that night, and it had gotten a little better.  But I was prepared.  I had a long sleeve shirt, a sweater and a medium weight jacket with me.  The weather outside didn’t require such clothing.  Only inside the casino.

She was wearing a short sleeve top and had nothing to cover herself with.  She was freezing. Hmm….maybe this was the real reason she was rubbing her boobs, to stay warm? She kept asking me to borrow my jacket, which I was actually wearing inside the poker room.  She was getting pretty insistent.  And I realized that if she didn’t warm up soon, she might leave for that reason.  So, being the gentleman that I am, I went ahead and lent her my jacket for awhile.  She warmed up a bit and returned it before she was done playing.  I think she ordered some kind of liquid body warmer from the bar so she could return the jacket.
I’m gonna get back to Big Jerk in a second.  But for now, all you need to know is that he had started to violate the rule of not trying to get Natalee to leave.  As such, Natalee was starting to complain about all the players being “mean” to her, even tho he was the only one as far as I could tell.  Maybe she meant that no one was going on tilt as she had planned.  Or that no one—except me—was willing to lend her a jacket.
So she was kvetching about the other players when Jennifer came to deal.  Jennifer normally works the floor and the podium, but this night she was dealing as the place was super busy.  I believe that Natalee may have seen her up front earlier, or previously, and figured that she was “in charge”—or at least she might be a logical person to complain to.  As soon as Jennifer started dealing, she talked about all the players were mean to her, and gave some examples.
Then she pointed to me, “Except for him, he’s nice.”
Jennifer said, “Yeah, Rob’s a good guy.”
I think I might have said, “Yes, I am.”
Anyway, Natalee was too busy whining to remember that she was the small blind.  Jennifer had already dealt the cards and reminded her once or twice, and finally Natalee realized Jennifer was talking to her.  “Small blind,” Jennifer told her for the umpteenth time.
“I’m small?”
Yes, Jennifer told her again.  “You’re small.”
As she put her buck out, she said, “I’m small? Like my vagina.”
This got a reaction from everyone who heard it, but non moreso than poor Jennifer.  By the time she had put her buck out, the players under the gun and UTG+1 had already folded.  Jennifer started sweeping in the mucked cards as she heard Natalee’s line.  She was laughing so hard, she lost control for a second and swept the mucked cards way past the center, past her dealing hand, and almost all the way into the players’ hands on the other side of the table.  In fact, the cards came within in inches of touching my heretofore unlooked at hand (I was the button). 
She caught it in the nick of time, gave me a look that I read as, “WTF?  Did she really just say that?” And as she continued laughing, said to me, “Sorry, Rob.  I couldn’t help it.”
Natalee, either in response to Jennifer’s reaction or the guys’ reactions (or both) added, “Well, what am I supposed to say about it?  That it’s like the Grand Canyon?”
Which brings us back to Big Jerk.  Big Jerk had spent two, three hours sitting to my right, not being very involved in the poker.  Presumably he was card dead.  He was quietly complaining about Natalee’s antics, but she couldn’t hear him.  But it was clear he was not amused by her.  Even if, by now, Natalee’s luck had changed and her terrible calls and ill-advised raises had started costing chips.
So when the seat 2, immediately to Natalee’s left, opened up, he asked for a seat change there.  Damn.  I was actually thinking of taking the seat, mostly because I’d be better able to hear her outrageous comments, although being to the left of a maniac is a good place to be.  But BJ, as we will call him from here on out, asked first.
He said that he was just moving because he wasn’t getting any cards where he’d been sitting.  But it was clear that he another motive.
Almost as soon as he got there, he started violating the unwritten rule of not doing anything to get Natalee to leave.  Her stack was dwindling, some guys had won some big pots against her.  If she was an obnoxious winner (and she was), she was an even more obnoxious loser, upping the ante on the insults to the other players.
Especially BJ.  All the other guys were fine getting insulted by her because she was giving away all her chips.  But not BJ.  He started challenging her, getting her even more agitated, and they started battling verbally.  I couldn’t hear all the things they were saying.  But BJ claimed she said she would meet him the parking lot!  Clearly that was a joke, Natalee was a small woman, and unless she was armed, she was hardly a threat, especially since Big Jerk was, well, big.
As this escalated, guys tried telling BJ to cool it, that the last thing anyone wanted was for her to leave.  But he was a total bastard about this.  He asked the dealer to call the floor so he could complain about her.  The Shift Supervisor came over.  It was the same Shift Supervisor who had cut off her alcohol last time (along with the waitress), he certainly remembered her.
He got both their stories and also the dealer’s version (not Jennifer, she had been pushed by a male dealer, a pretty humorless fellow).  I’m not sure what Natalee said but I heard BJ say that Natalee was masturbating at the table.  Huh?
“She’s sitting there rubbing her tits!”  Well, yes, she was doing that.  But I would hardly call that masturbating.
Anyway, the Supervisor offered either one of them a table change.  But neither wanted that.  Damn, BJ, just go to another table.
The thing was, BJ, as I learned the next night when I played at his table again, said he was sick of her and wanted her kicked out.  He had already won some money from her at this point (that was one of the things they were having words over, a hand he won), and didn’t care if he won any more or not.
While Natalee was pulled away and talking privately with the Supervisor, all the guys at the table were begging BJ to lighten up, to leave her alone, to not get her kicked out.  By now, Natalee had lost all those chips back, had busted out, and had rebought.  Only for $100, but I was certain there plenty more $100 bills where that one came from.   Also, she had recently made one of the most boneheaded moves I’d ever seen at a poker table.
On the turn, where one of three players was already all in, she said, “Well, I’ve got a gut-shot so I’m betting.  The other player called.  The river was a 9 which put a 5 card straight on the board.  There was no flush possible so unless someone had a 10, it was going to be a split pot.  She bet $10 into a pot that was at least $100.  Even the side pot she was betting at was a lot more than $10. Of course the guy called, the easiest call he ever had in his life. 
When the guy called, she just instantly mucked.  Both players were playing the board.  Had she turned over her hand, she would have one a third of the pot (actually a little more, since there was an all-in).  But she mucked. And when somebody tried to point out her mistake, she said, rather nastily, “I know what I’m doing.”  Not so much.
Why the hell would anyone want this woman to leave the table???
But the guy was obstinate.  “I don’t like being insulted.”  OK, big jerk, then move to another table.  Everyone else was fine with being insulting as long as she was spewing chips.
As one brand new player at the table said, “If she leaves, we’ll all have to work hard to win money.  With her, it’ll be a lot easier.”
No, no, he said, “I didn’t come here to be called a jerk.”  There’s a reason you’re being called a jerk, jerk.  It’s because you’re a jerk!
The Supervisor told them that no more inappropriate comments would be tolerated, and the next person to make one would be asked to leave.
It didn’t take five minutes for them to start up again.  I didn’t hear what they said, but the dealer called the Supervisor back, claimed that Natalee started it, and so the Supervisor picked up her remaining chips and escorted out of the room.
Stupid ass Big Jerk.
I know that looks can’t kill, because BJ would have dropped dead instantly at the table from all the dirty looks he was getting from the other players, myself included.
I took that as a cue to leave.  I was up for the night, so I considered it being paid $130 to get a blog post.  Not a bad deal.
As I went to the front to cash out, several of the folks up there started throwing questions at me about her.  I gave them all some quick highlights.  I also bitched a lot about BJ. One of the female podium persons said that BJ was ridiculous.  I said that you could call me anything you want if you’re gonna give me all your money.  She agreed.
Then Jane, the other floorperson, told me that at one point, when she was running well, she came over to them and said, “I’m doing it again, I’m doing it again. I’m taking all their money.”  Jane knew of the night that she ran $100 up to $1500.
Then Stan saw me.  I first mentioned Stan in this post here, saying I didn’t know him well because he doesn’t usually work the room on swing-shift, but he was running the tournament this night.  In that post, I mentioned being surprised to learn that Stan not only knew my name, but knew about the blog.  By the way, that first time I mentioned Stan, you will notice that the word “vagina” was also in the title.  Coincidence?
Stan just said to me, “So, when will be reading about this night?”
I just laughed and said “Soon.  Very soon.”
Actually it wasn’t really soon, dammit, but better late than never, right?
There’s a quick follow up to the Natalee story.
A few days later I came into the BSC early in the evening and the same Shift Supervisor saw me as went to put my name on the list for a seat.
“She’s back,” he told me.
I knew exactly who he meant.  “The crazy woman is back?  The one you kicked out a couple of nights ago?” 
Yes, he confirmed, that’s who he meant. 
I told him that whenever I get a seat, to put me in for a table change to her table.
I walked over to her table, it was the same table we had played at the night before. 
I left to take a seat and wait.  When they called me, they sent me to Natalee’s table, but it turned it was her I was replacing.  She just left.
Damn, I missed her.
A few minutes after I got settled, in the exact seat where Natalee had been sitting, I said to the table, “Sorry, but I’m going to be a lot more boring than the last person who was sitting here.”
Everyone laughed, and they started telling me how crazy she was.  As if I didn’t know.  The dealer said something like, “She was nuts.”
Apparently, she was with a guy this time.  I saw them walking away, and it looked to me, from the brief look I got, that he was quite a bit younger than Natalee.  The players told me that she referred to him as, “The man I’m cheating on my husband with.”
Then a couple of player said that when she left, she announced that she was leaving to have sex with him.
Fortunately, I was sitting immediately to the right of the dealer, a buddy of mine.  He leaned over and whispered to me what she actually said.
“I’m leaving to go give this guy a blowjob.”
I have no idea if that was a bluff or if she really had the nuts.


  1. Dang -- stuff like this rarely happens at the places I play. Perhaps I need to invest a little more time at the BSC next trip!

    1. Perhaps, but my pal Woody seems to think these people find maybe it's me, not BSC.

  2. 1 - "The Stan saw me."
    Do you really refer to him as The Stan? Or did you mean "then" Stan?

    2 - Lightning - Other than some evenings with Prudence I've never come across games like this at Rob's BSC. In fact, when I play with Rob the tables are pretty boring.

    I think Rob has a cast of characters that he has created in his head that don't really exist.
    Just my guess :)

    1. If you knew Stan, you'd know why I call him "The Stan".

      Yeesh, no grrouchie, that was a typo. Now you've put yourself in the same category as Tony, correcting my grammar. Enjoy!

      Apparently, the only way I can get comments is to leave typos for my readers to find, so I'll have to start putting them in intentionally.

      "when I play with Rob the tables are pretty boring."

      Pretty sure that is a reflection on you, sir!

      I've got many things in my head, but Natalee isn't one of them.

  3. Payers like Natalee play an important part in the poker ecosystem--by playing crazy, they dynamite the chip stacks of rocky nits, then redistribute them to players who otherwise couldn't pry a single red bird away from a nit. Big Jerk ought to be embarrassed not just at being jerk, but also at driving away a profit source.

  4. maybe this was the real reason she was rubbing her boobs, to stay warm?

    So, you didn't offer to do it for her? To keep them warm, I mean.

    1. MOJO, despite rumors to the contrary, there are SOME boobs I have no interest in. Natalee's are on that list.