Sunday, May 4, 2014

Little Known Facts About Jack Bauer

This is off topic, but the show "24" returns to television tomorrow night after a four year absence.

24 is the greatest television show ever, and if you don't agree, well, we have nothing further to discuss.

To celebrate the event, here's a list of "facts" about Jack Bauer that was posted on some blog back in 2006, so some of it may be a bit outdated (like the Lost reference).  No doubt this list has been going around the internet forever.


1) If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.

2) If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.

3) Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.

4) Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.

5) Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.

6) Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk.

7) Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.

8) Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.

9) 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.

10) Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.

11) Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.

12) Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.

13) When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.

14) If Jack says "I just want to talk to him/her" and that him/her is you… well amigo, you're fucked.

15) Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.

16) When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer fucking hates lemonade.

17) In grade school, a little boy punched Kimberly Bauer, and Kimberly ran home to tell her dad. That little boy's name? Stephen Hawking.

18) Jack Bauer does not sleep. The only rest he needs is what he gets when he's knocked out or temporarily killed.

19) No man has ever used the phrase, "Jack Bauer is a pussy" in a sentence and lived to tell.

20) In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.

21) Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it.

22) As a child, Jack Bauer's first words were "There's no time!"

23) Jack Bauer's family threw him a surprise birthday party when he was a child. Once.

24) If you are still conscious, it is because Jack Bauer doesn't want to carry you.

25) If you get 7 stars on your wanted level on Grand Theft Auto, Jack Bauer comes after you. You don't want to get 7 stars.

26) Guns dont kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.

27) Everytime Jack Bauer yells "NOW!" at the end of a sentence, a terrorist dies.

28) Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour. And he's done it twice.

29) If you send someone to kill Jack Bauer, the only thing you accomplish is supplying him a fresh set of weapons to kill you with.

30) Jack Bauer could get off the Lost island in 24 hours.



  1. LOL.i dig the show trying to get catch up on the old episodes on AMAZON now. that and i like the show JUSTIFIED too. i like elmore leonard novels.R.I.P

    1. I wanted to review some past seasons of 24 on NETFLIX only to find that Amazon made an exclusive deal on the show to keep them out of NETFLIX.

      Bastards. If only I was Jack Bauer, I'd torture the Amazon execs to release the shows.

    2. dude netflix BLOWS.i had netflix once. 1 of the reason i dropped them was their lack of cool movies and shit. for example,type in al pacino 4 search of movies and look at the lame azz movies they offer.AMAZON got all the 24s,sir.(i think).now if only ,amazon had SOUTHLAND thatwould b KILLER.P.S. FUCK LA.CHEERS

    3. I got NETFLIX to watch HOUSE OF CARDS, a fantastic show. I may drop it until the new season starts, I don't watch TV enough to justify the money.

      "F LA" huh? That's the tanks I get for figuring out a way to boobies into a 24 post? I did that strictly for you, anger.

    4. i apologize. it was the evil weed,sir

    5. it is JACK BAUER'S world .terrorists just die in it

    6. when does JACK BAUER ever take a shit, jerkoff to porn,smoke a fatty,or go to an in and out burger in this 24 SERIES.

    7. Jack Bauer can go 24 hours without doing any of those things.

  2. LOVE. LOVE. LOVE. Jack....great post! we need more Jack Bauer's in this world. I have to wonder what he would do upon getting the dreaded pocket kings.

    1. Pocket Kings wouldn't DARE get themselves dealt to Jack Bauer.