Thursday, May 15, 2014

"I Want My First Marriage To Be Legitimate"

This past Easter Sunday, I met and played poker with a really fun woman who perhaps can best be described as a PG-13 rated version of my pal Prudence.  I was originally thinking that she may have been a G-rated version, but then I realized that during our time together, we discussed Strip Clubs, butt implants, prostitution, “full service” and maybe a few other topics not fit for the kiddies, so perhaps PG-13 would be safer.

The lady in question was already seated when I took a seat at this table.  She was chatting with a couple of guys near her.  She was cute and about the same age as Prudence.  But I noticed an accent.  At first I thought British—but then no, it was clear the woman was from Australia.  I did learn her real name but we’ll call her “Kate” since that somehow feels Australian to me.

She was in the middle of a conversation about her efforts to get a work visa to relocate to the U.S. But she wasn’t moving from Australia.  She was currently living in Canada.  She had taken a job there as a stepping stone to moving to the states.  She was talking about how difficult it was getting into the U.S. (legally, at least).  She seemed to be saying she was considering marrying a U.S. citizen just so she could get into the country.  She mentioned a male friend of hers who lives in Vegas and who would probably agree to such a sham marriage in order to help get in the country.  Since they were friends and knew each other well, she could probably convince the authorities it was legit.

And then she said, “But no, I would never do that.  I always say, I want my first marriage to be legitimate.”

Hours later, I found out that the whole discussion had been a misdirect. She already had been approved for a work visa because her employer had transferred her to the U.S.—Southern California, in fact.  All she was waiting for was the paperwork to work its way through the bureaucracy.  She had just been kidding around.

I recalled that, the night I met Prudence (see here), she said a lot of things that turned out to be just her yanking our chain too.  Was it possible that Kate was already living in the U.S.—or even Vegas—just like Prudence was?  No, that wasn’t true.  I don’t think.

Kate was extremely friendly and out-going. And all the guys at the table couldn’t help themselves coming up with things to discuss with her.  I suspect the fact that she was both cute and the only woman at the table contributed to this.  But she was not at all dressed provocatively.  She was very conservatively and properly dressed.  In that sense, she almost stood out, as most women in Vegas anywhere near her age usually wear much more revealing clothing—especially now that the weather was heating up.  It’s one of the main reasons I go to Vegas, of course.

This was a club night and surely she wasn’t planning on going to the club this night.  They wouldn’t let her in.  Seriously, I don’t know what the dress code is for the club, but I’m pretty sure any woman not dressed like a slut  will be turned away at the door, and she was not at all dressed like a slut.

At one point early in the session, Kate looked at me and asked if I was a local.  I said I wasn’t but that I came here a lot.  She said I looked familiar and she was sure that she’d played with me before.  This was the room she mostly played in when she came to Vegas—which was quite frequently.

I acknowledged that was quite possible, although I honestly don’t see how.  How could I have possibly not remembered such a cute, talkative female poker player?  It’s what this blog lives for.  And the delightful Aussie accent?  I’d forget that too?  Not a chance.

Perhaps she had seen me in the room though, and remembered me even though we had never played together.  It makes sense, being such a handsome devil and all.  Yes, of course a much younger woman would remember my face.

When I found out she was moving to Southern California, I asked if she thought she might play at the Bike or some of the other card rooms down here.  She said she that was quite likely.  Now, she had mentioned there’s a poker room about a two hour drive from where she lives, but she never goes there.  She doesn’t feel like driving two hours to player poker, she’d rather play in Vegas.  She said that even though she also maintained that “all poker rooms are the same.”

And here she was talking about driving to the Bike (probably a good hour and half drive from where she was moving to) to play?  Didn’t make sense to me.  Plus, she’ll be only an hour away from Vegas by plane (and a much cheaper flight) or a four hour drive. 

At one point, my ears pricked up when I heard Kate say, “I think I saw a woman with butt implants at Subway yesterday.”  Huh?

“Subway? Which one?” Not that I would go to a Subway just to see a woman with butt implants. It just seemed like an odd observation to make.  I didn’t really know if there was any context to this revelation.  It seemed to have come out of the blue.

But I misheard.  The Sapphire Club.  It’s a strip club here in Vegas.”

Ahh.  Yes I’d heard of it.  Not that I would ever patronize such a place.

“Oh, a Strip Club.  Yeah, I’ve heard of it.”  I explained what I thought I heard and everyone found that amusing. 

Before I could get to the alleged butt implant, I had to ask her about the strip club, because this is an issue that totally baffles me.

I’ve already discussed this subject previously, in the post here.  I don’t understand women wanting to go to strip clubs where women take their clothes off.  I just don’t get it.  Sure I can understand them wanting to see male strippers (and for posts about male strippers, see here and here.)

So once I realized that this otherwise proper woman was telling how she and her female friend had visited a Strip Club the other night, I had to ask about it.

“I don’t get it, why do girls go to strip clubs?”

She actually seemed surprised by the question, like it was ridiculous.  She acted almost as surprised as if I had asked why a guy would go to a strip club.

“Why not?  It’s fun.  I enjoy watching the dancers, most of them are good dancers, certainly better than male dancers.  And we can go there and not get harassed by the guys.  The guys pretty much ignore us, they’re paying attention to the dancers.  So it’s hassle-free. Women don’t like male strip shows. It’s not appealing. It’s just weird.  It’s not fun or sexy at all.”

Wait.  People go to strip clubs to see the girls dance?  Really?  I though they went to strip clubs to see naked girls.

She also said it’s not expensive.  Just $30, including the limo there and back, one drink.  I guess she didn’t spring for any lap-dances.

So I said, “It’s just weird to me. In my day, no woman would ever, ever go to a strip club.  Not one with girls stripping that is.  Maybe a Chippendales show, but not to see naked girls.  It just wasn’t done.  They would never do that.”  Note: I actually mentioned in an early post a story about a woman going to a strip club “back in the day” here, but that was a rare exception to his rule.

Kate—and everyone else, all much younger than me—acted like I was speaking a foreign language.  When was “back in the day” they demanded to know?  Like, the 70’s?.

Someone—I don’t think it was Kate—associated the ‘70’s with Farrah Fawcett.  True she was a big sex symbol back then.  They got that right.  But there was more to the ‘70’s than Farrah.  Anyway, they all went back to basically insisting that women in the ‘70’s went to strip clubs just like the women of today do.

And then Kate proclaimed, “It’s just like it was then.  The only difference with women then and now is less hair.”  Although Farrah was famous for her long, flowing blonde hair and her personal hairstyle, I can assure you this was not the hair that Kate was asserting that there’s less of.  She was referring to the hair down under—so-to-speak.

Before I could argue, I was interrupted by the dealer, Dennis (for a really early story about Dennis, see here).  As you can tell, Dennis has been dealing to me for a long time.  I was sitting immediately to his right and he spoke to me, kind of in a whisper.  “Why are you saying ‘back in the day’? Don’t do that.  You’re not old, don’t talk like you are. Don’t make yourself seem old.  Stop it with the ‘back in the day’ crap.”

Wow.  It was nice that Dennis didn’t think of me as old, or that he was trying to prevent me from looking and sounding old.  The irony was that I was in town to celebrate my birthday and the birthday poker game was going to be held the very next night (see here).  So maybe I was feeling a bit old.

But of course, I was right about what I was saying.  I was there and most of them weren’t—at least not as sentient adults.

But chastened by Dennis, I stopped trying to convince Kate and the others they had no idea what women were like “back in the day.”  And as such, I never got to make my other point.  So I’ll make it here.

Not only would a woman back then never be caught dead at a strip club, if your wife or girlfriend ever found out that you (a guy) went to a strip club, you would soon be found dead yourself.

Seriously, you could never admit to a woman you were interested in that you liked strip clubs.  You could never admit to a woman that you ever, ever, ever had been to a strip club.  You just couldn’t.  She would think you were a pervert—totally updateable.  You were not fit to associate with.

In fact, if you were in a relationship with a woman, and she found out you went to the strip club with your buddies, she would accuse you of cheating on her.  And this was before the lapdance was invented!  You were cheating on her just by paying to see some total stranger shake her tits in front of you for a couple of minutes.  Simple as that.  And one girl you could be sure of never seeing naked again was that now ex-girlfriend. Guys who went to strip clubs back then did so secretly.

But I didn’t pursue it.  So I had no choice but to pursue the girl with the butt implants.

“So tell us about the butt implants.”

Kate said one of the strippers appeared to have a fake butt.  She tried to describe it and even used her hands to try to show us the unnatural curve of her ass.  It was pretty funny.

Truth is, this did not surprise me at all. As an observer of the scantily clad ladies who frequent the night club, I’ve noticed for some time that some of the girls seem to have something extra filling out that short skirt.  Is there such a thing as butt falsies?  I dunno, but I see some unnaturally large backsides these days.  Some nights I wonder if I saw more butt jobs than boob jobs. There are lots of gals I see I suspect have had plastic surgery both upper front and lower back.  I wonder if they get that all at once or it if it takes two separate visits? Is there a volume discount?

It seems that big asses on women are really in these days.  I blame Kim Kardashian for this.  I’m pretty sure she started it with her humongous derriere. I’ve heard that the Postal Service has given her ass its own zip-code. Personally, I’m not a big fan of the enormous tush.

The accompanying picture was sent to me by fellow blogger MrBen, who visits Vegas frequently from the U.K. I’ve mentioned a session with Ben most recently here.  On a subsequent visit, when I wasn’t in town, Ben and his wife noticed some women who appeared to have butt implants.  He mentioned it his report here.  I commented about the trend and Ben was kind enough to send me a pic his wife had taken of a woman who they suspected had a fake ass (or as they say in the U.K., “arse”—or perhaps “bum”).  Thanks, Ben.  I knew I’d find a good use for that photo!

The discussion of the strip club triggered an interesting comment from the New York Indian, so I better introduce him.  Yes, I called him the NY Indian, and yes, I know the baseball team known as the Indians is located in Cleveland.  This guy lived in the New York metropolitan area but was clearly of Indian heritage. The country of India, not “native American.”  But he didn’t have the accent of someone raised in India.  Actually, he had a thick New York accent and it was kind of weird hearing the New York accent come out of him.

He was hours away from his redeye flight back to NY.  He definitely had a New York attitude, if you know what I mean.  And a very foul mouth.  Every third word out of him was the f-word.  He said it like some people say, “you know” or “like.”  It was, you know, like, “I have a few f-ing hours to f-ing kill before I have to f-ing leave for the f-ing airport to catch my f-ing plane back to f-ing Newark.”  Surprisingly, only one dealer warned him about his language.  He tried unsuccessfully to cut down on the f-bombs, with minimal success.

At one point he joked (or was it a joke?) that he gets through airport security really fast because he has dark skin.

As I said, he spoke like a New Yorker, not like an Indian.  But for some reason, at one point, he took on the persona of actual native Indian and did a three minute monologue impersonating one of those tech guys you get on the phone when your router doesn’t work (see here).  The funny thing was, if he had started talking like that first thing, we wouldn’t have thought anything of it.  But having heard him talk like a New Yawker for an hour, it was hilarious.  It would have been totally insensitive and perhaps racist if he wasn’t of Indian descent himself but….well actually, it might have been insensitive and racist anyway.

And that's the end of part 1.  I’m going to leave you hanging as to his comment in response to Kate’s strip club story. But here’s a hint:  It involved midgets.  And the second and final chapter also involves discussions of prostitution around the world, a little more on strip clubs and oh, I may just be able to squeeze in a little poker.  Maybe.  Part 2 can be found here.


  1. women who go to strip clubs? lesbians? also, by the title of the post. i thought it was a blog about yr relationship with JACK BAUER going to the next level. LOL. AWESOME POST. GREAT PICS.

    1. Thank you sir!

      I'm pretty sure Kate isn't a lesbian.

      I do have a man-crush on Jack Bauer, but you do realize he is a fictional character, right?

    2. really? when did this happen

    3. 2001. It was in all the papers.

    4. oh, that xplains it .i was abducted by aliens( not mexicans) that year. TOOL wrote a song about it Rosetta Stoned

  2. I will agree with you that girls going to strip clubs just for fun is more of a thing now than it used to be "back in the day." I must run with a much more tolerant bunch of girls. My wife is not a prude, but is very conservative and has never had a problem with me going to strip clubs with my buddies occasionally. I'm sure she would have been upset if I frequented them and wasted money on lap dances, but an every once in a while trip didn't bother her. When we were younger she used to say, "I'm way less worried you'll get hit on by a girl there than at a night club downtown." Also, fun fact, here in Iowa almost all of the strip clubs are fully nude and BYOB.

    I'm going to have to disagree and give Jennifer Lopez credit for starting the big butt trend.

    1. +1 on JLo, and hers is much more appealing than Kardashain's.

    2. Thanks Jeff, that's interesting about your wife. I suppose I knew some women who weren't so adverse to the thought of guys going to strip clubs, but they seemed the exception to the rule.

      Also back then, in the days before the internet, I'd have to kill time by reading Dear Abby & Ann Landers. It seemed like every week or so there'd be a letter from some woman complaining that her husband had "cheated" on her by going to a club. Sometimes they'd accuse them of cheating by looking at Playboy!

      So you have the bring your own booze but the hoo-ha is provided for you in Iowa, huh? Interesting!

      I will grant you that Jennifer Lopez predates Kardashian, but her ass is practically tiny compared to Kim's. So whether or not she started the trend is highly questionable in my mind.

    3. Thanks, dzoddiac. I was answering JT's comment when yours came in.

      I agree J-Lo's a lot more appealing than Kardashian, but her ass is blown out of the water--sizewise, that is--by Kim.

    4. That song has already been mentioned on the blog, when somebody song it at the poker table. In case you've forgotten, see here:

    5. my posse is on broadway? y would u mention that song in yr blog? lol. i crack myself up. CONPLAN 888 bitches

  3. Rob - there are butt falsies. When I used to buy abandoned storage units, the 2nd one I ever bought contained the possessions of a drag queen. There were quite a few pairs of butt "enhancers" in with the fake breasts, corsets, wigs, nylons, makeup, etc.

    1. Always nice to hear from you, Cranky, thanks.

      I'm using that "back in the day" all those butt falsies were sold mostly to drag queens. These days, I guess a lot of you woman are buying them.

    2. Anger - it was a very fun unit to go through, but honestly the guy's furniture was worth a lot more than his drag queen stuff.

      Rob - I don't comment often, but I do read every post of yours. They're an enjoyable way to live vicariously since we haven't been to LV in 7 years. And, since I'm retired, I have plenty of reading time. :-)

    3. @cranky. i bet it was pretty cool.i dig those shows like storage wars and american,here in coloRADo( see what i did there) i am going starting to salvage around the Thompson and La Poudre Rivers for stuff bcuz of the floods .we had recently.i use to do that at the beaches in florida after hurricanes and such bcuz the storms stir up all kinds of cool shit from ship wrecks.

  4. So how is it I never seem to play poker with as interesting a crowd as you? I think I have bad table karma, or something.

    Anyway, I'm 12 hours away from getting on a plane from London to Orlando, FL. One week in Orlando at a conference where I'm speaking (and my company is exhibiting) then off to Vegas!

    1. Rob has a gift. also, when in Orlando drive down OBT( orange blossom trail) and tell Debbie the crack whore . i still LOVE HER.and tell her to stop doing z-bars and oxy and stick to WEED. ty.

    2. @VegasDWP Yeah, I think I see things other miss. Probably because I am paying more attention to the odd things people say than to the poker!

      Look me up when you get to town.

      @anger...thanks for the compliment, much appreciated. I dunno what to say about Debbie!!!