Sunday, July 20, 2014

"I Hate it When People Call Me With Nothing!"

As I get older, I seem to become less and less able to put up with fools.  Fools, idiots, jerks, assholes, douchebags.  You know.  Annoying people.

And the more I play poker, the more I run into them, sadly.

A lot of jerks play poker.

Here’s the story of one such jerk.

I don’t know this guy’s name, but he mentioned (frequently) he was from Colorado.  He didn’t say what city.  I don’t want to blaspheme the entire state of Colorado by calling him “Colorado.”  So I just did a search of cities in Colorado and the city of “Two Buttes” jumped out at me.  You can look it up, there really is a city called “Two Buttes” in Colorado.  Somehow, it seems appropriate—the kid I am about to describe was definitely an ass, and maybe two.  So we’ll call him 2Butt for short.

This session happened to be the first—and so far only—time I’ve played poker with my pal Prudence all year.  She and Tom came by BSC while in the vicinity to play. Lately, Prudence has played almost exclusively online, finding that more enjoyable than playing live.  And after playing a few minutes with 2Butt, I was starting to see why.

Prudence and I were at the same table and we weren’t there for more than a minute when 2Butt started making an impression on us.  The first thing I noticed was that he was wearing a backwards baseball cap.  That’s frequently a sign of douchebaggery.  Recall the post here where I first revealed my displeasure at this particular “fashion” fad.  In a stroke of great timing, just the other day I actually received a brand new comment, from Mr. Anonymous, to that post in regards to my displeasure with that odd fad.  Since no one reads comments on two year old blog posts, and because it was so good, I’ll go ahead and reprint it for you:

“Some people like to wear their hats backwards, get off your high horse, you're not the fashion police. I mean, I don't personally wear my hat backwards because I'm not an idiot, but I wouldn't judge anyone who does.”

Thanks, Mr. Anonymous, great line.

Anyway, 2Butt was a young punk with a baseball cap on backwards and he couldn’t shut up. I guess he was late 20’s, early 30’s chronologically. Maturity-wise, he was about 7-1/2.  He talked nonstop and everything he said was stupid.  Sometimes it was about poker, or specifically about the hand in play, and other times it was about everything else.  He had an opinion on everything.  Only he didn’t really express it as an opinion.  It was more like a fact.  Actually, it was more like the word of God.

There was a real nice lady from Boston next to him, and I’m sure his stupid comments drove her away.  At one point, she said something totally innocuous, and he said, “Well, you’re from Boston so I’ll allow that.”  Mighty big of him.

Once she raised, and he said, “You didn’t mean to do that. You shouldn’t do that.  That was a mistake.”  Well, he won the hand and he said, “Now you know not to do that again.”  He wasn’t using a nasty tone, but he wasn’t using a joking tone, either.

The lady had revealed she was a pediatrician.  At one point she said, “I’m sure I’m the only doctor at this table.”  2Butt disputed that.  “No, no, you don’t want to make that bet.”

He repeated this several times. You might say he obsessed over it, but he kind of obsessed over everything. Ok, he must be a doctor himself right (a rather scary thought)?  He was asked and he hemmed and hawed and finally admitted he wasn’t a doctor. “I’m only in I.T.  You’re better than me, I admit it.”  And then he conceded that she probably was the only doctor at the table. 

He played most every hand.  He didn’t raise much pre, but he limped in or called most raises before the flop.  And he was having a good night; he seemed to be catching cards with alarming frequency. 

He was so immediately obnoxious that if I hadn’t been playing with Prudence, I probably would have asked for a table change before the big scene he caused took place.  But the room was really busy this night and I didn’t want to move to a different game from Prudence and then have her move (assuming she wanted to move), we would lose too much time and her time was limited.  We were not sitting next to each other at this point, or I would have surely whispered to, “Now I know why you prefer playing online.”  Before I had a chance to say it to her, she texted me basically the same message, that this guy is the worst and she can avoid jerks like him by sitting in front of her computer playing in her pajamas.

I got into a couple of hands with 2Butt.  When I raised with my pocket Aces, he was the only caller. I bet out on a low flop and he folded.

Then came a hand where I lost some money to him.  Another guy had raised preflop, $8-$10, something like that.  I called with Ace-Queen diamonds. So did 2Butt.  The flop was Queen high, two clubs.  2Butt, first to act, led out for $25.  The preflop raiser called.  So did I.  I considered raising, but I’m still a bit cautious about investing too much money in one pair hands.

The turn was the third club and this time we all checked.  I’m thinking in hindsight it would have been good for me to bet there and represent the flush. Oh well.

The river was another club.  2Butt stuck out another $25.  The other guy folded.  I tanked. Based on his play, he could easily have bet that without a club.  I thought there was a reasonable chance my Queens were good.  And I was getting good odds, there was now over $125 in the pot and it only cost me $25 to call.  I decided it was worth it, so I put out five redbirds.

He had Queen/Jack.  Only the Jack was a club (good thing, since the Queen of clubs was on the board).  That was enough to take the pot.  I really wasn’t bothered too much by it, I thought that, considering the player, my action made sense.  I mucked without showing, of course

Then he got into a hand with the short stack on his left.  I don’t remember the full details, but on the flop, 2Butt bet out and the short stack shoved. He had a lot less than $100 and I didn’t note the size of the pot.  But I don’t think there was much in it until the guy shoved.

It folded back to 2Butt who gave a speech.  There were two hearts on the board and 2Butt started speculating that Shorty was on the flush draw.  He liked to talk about hands when there was action pending anyway.  Earlier, he had to be warned by the dealer for speculating about his opponent’s hand when there was another player behind to act. Also, he had to be warned about showing his cards (he showed one in that case).

“You got a flush draw there?  I think you’re working on a flush draw.” Finally after he ran out of ways to speculate that the guy had a flush draw, he called.  They didn’t show.  The board ran out and no more hearts appeared.  2Butt showed top pair.  Shorty showed his cards instead of mucking—he did indeed have the flush draw, two fairly low hearts. With that, he got up and took off, never to return.

You would think 2Butt would be pretty happy about that.  You know, winning a nice pot.  Isn’t that we all play poker?

But no, instead, 2Butt got hysterical.  He went ballistic. “Oh man, I hate that!  I hate when people call me with nothing.  God I hate that!”  He was shouting loud enough for at least half the poker room to have heard him.  He didn’t let up.  He kept bitching and pissing and moaning, all the while stacking his chips.  That he had just won.  From the guy who had called him with nothing.

Apparently, the guy’s actions had so upset him that he totally forgot how the action had played out.  The guy hadn’t “called with nothing.”  He raised with a draw.  It’s called a “semi-bluff,” 2Butt.  You should look it up.  It’s in every poker book.  How has anyone who plays NL not seen that move a thousand times?

Of course, the short stack actually had some fold equity there, and indeed, it sure sounded like 2Butt came pretty close to folding.

None of us could believe 2Butt’s reaction.  He was actually visibly angered after winning the hand. You could almost see the steam coming out of his ears.
He kept on ranting and raving and saying, “God I hate that.”  You would think that someone had tipped over his grandmother’s wheelchair or something.

Unfortunately, the dealer at this time was not the best to handle this situation and said absolutely nothing during this whole time.  And the room was real busy, and there didn’t happen to be a floorperson anywhere in the vicinity.  The guy just kept going on and on as the next hand was dealt.

At this point, I seriously considered getting up.  Not so much to ask for a table change but to find the shift boss and complain.  Life is too short for me to have to sit at the table with a jerk like this.

But I didn’t. I had two minds, and the other one was saying, “You can’t leave.  The blog post practically writes itself.”  Yeah, that’s what I was thinking. Fodder for this here blog won out.  Although I also thought I might get a story if someone in authority finally heard him and warned him.  Of if someone else complained.

He was the big blind the next hand.  The lady from Boston had left a bit earlier, no doubt tired of hearing this guy’s non-stop bullshit.  Her seat was taken by an older regular, a tight player who always comes to the table with $100 in chips.  He still had his starting stack for this hand.

The reg knew Prudence from her days as a reg herself and had said hi.  Other than that, he hadn’t said a word to anyone at the table, including 2Butt.  And so it folded to the reg in the small blind and he turned to 2Butt and asked if he wanted to chop.

He raised his voice in response. “No no no.  I’m not gonna chop.  Not after what just happened. I’m not chopping.”

WTF?  What did the previous hand have to do with anything?  2Butt had no beef with the reg.  They hadn’t said a word to each other or played a hand together.  It was a total non-sequitur. He’s mad at the player who just left (and who gave him all his money) and thus he won’t chop with a new player?  Huh?

Like I said, the guy was a total jerk.  And by jerk I mean a word I don’t use on this blog.

The reg shrugged his shoulders, said ok, and put out three red chips on top of his $1 small blind.

2Butt raised back.  I don’t recall the amount.  But I was thinking that the reg might have been raising there to spite the jerk for not chopping and might not have a great hand.

The reg thought for a bit and shoved.  2Butt snap-called.  They didn’t show, but there were two 10’s on the board and 2Butt flipped over King-10.  Now it was the reg’s turn to be mad. He kind of threw his cards down, sort of flashing them first.  I thought I saw Ace-King but Prudence said it was Ace-Jack.  Still, a big hand heads up.

“You had to put two 10’s on the board, not just one?  You had to put out two!”  That was the reg yelling at the dealer.

 Meanwhile, 2Butt was yelling at the reg.  “I hate it when people call me with nothing.  I was way ahead of you.”  Clearly he hadn’t seen the cards the reg flashed.  Or he didn’t care.  Maybe he thinks King-10 is ahead of Ace-Jack?  The reg turned to me and said, “Can you believe this?  He was ahead of me?”  He didn’t talk to 2Butt, he just got quiet, and while seething, bought in for another $100.

Finally after a minute or two, 2Butt came to his senses—a little bit anyway.  “You know, it wasn’t you I was mad at. It was that other guy.”  You know, the guy who gave him all his money!  I would be mad at a guy who gives me all his money too.  Who wouldn’t be?

I was now extremely close to getting up and finding the shift manager to complain.  I figured I already enough for a blog post, and it could get nastier from here.  Who knows, the next person to get into with him could have been me.  And really, who wants to be around such a total, unadulterated asshole?

But while I was considering it, the guy’s girlfriend came over.  They talked about going to dinner, and finally decided to.  Fortunately, the guy did not leave his chips on the table.  He picked up to leave us in peace.  He didn’t return…at least to any table I saw.

All I could think of was, “How the f*** does a prick like that have a girlfriend?”  She wasn’t bad looking, either.  She wasn’t a super model, but she was alright.  Truly, there is no justice in this world.

The reg was actually disappointed that 2Butt left. He had seen the way he had played and figured it was only a matter of time before he gave it all back.  I conceded his point.  And he said to me, “I didn’t understand why you paid him off (on the 4-card flush hand), but now I do.  He could have had anything. I might have paid him off too.”

Around this time, Prudence moved next to me, and we were able to exchange some gossip.  But she no longer drinks and drives plays poker, so there was no Prudency behavior to report. Just her complaining about a guy who called her shove on a scary board with only a pair of 7’s.

I’m not sure if she was gone or not when this hand happened. There was a lady at the table who had impressed me with how little she knew about how to play. Unfortunately, I didn’t write down complete notes of the hand.  I recall that I was the big blind and had 9-4 offsuit.  I saw the flop for free and no one bet the flop, which had two hearts on it. My 4 was a heart.  I caught a 9 on the turn and I bet small and the lady called me. The 9 was the third heart, by the way.

I checked the river, which was the Queen of hearts, giving me a little bitty flush.  The lady now bet $25 and I tanked.  There were two reasons I considered calling there.  One was that they had the cash drawing promo, and if I called and showed my flush, even if I lost the pot, I would get a drawing ticket.

The other reason was I honestly thought that lady was such a bad player that she might be oblivious to the four hearts on the board and might be betting with something less than a flush. I really didn’t value the drawing ticket to be worth $25, but I honestly thought that my flush could be good.  Not because she was bluffing but because she had a hand and didn’t even notice the flush.  Seriously.

So I called.  She had caught a queen on the river, that’s it.  She had a pair of Queens, no heart.  I have no idea why she called on the turn.  But yes, she was that bad.

So I got a ticket and everyone said “good call,” and then someone asked, “Would you have made that call if it wasn’t for the ticket?”  The answer is yes, because of the player, but what I said was, “I’ll never tell.”  Except of course in this very blog post.

I limped/called $7 in late position with 8-7 off.  The flop was 9-6-6. No one bet the flop.  The turn was a 5, giving me the straight, and I bet $20.  The reg was the only caller.  Note, he was not the preflop raiser.  The river was another 6.  Ugh.  Suddenly my straight didn’t seem so good.  I checked and the reg bet $40. Knowing his game, I thought he must have had some kind of pair and therefore a boat.  Quad 6’s wasn’t out of the question.  I hated to do it, but I folded.  And I was a bit perturbed about it.  I was even more upset when he didn’t show his hand after I folded. Remember, they have these drawings. If he had a boat, he would have wanted to show his hand to get a ticket for it.  He certainly knows that.  So if he didn’t show his hand, that must mean he didn’t have the boat.  Which meant my straight was good! 

That bothered me a bit and I might have made it a bit obvious to anyone paying attention—like the reg—that it was getting to me. So much for a poker face.  But not long after that, the reg picked up his chips and left the game.  As he was getting up, he leaned into me and whispered, “pocket 10’s.” I knew he was referring to the hand I just described.  So he did have the boat.  And he didn’t show it for the ticket because he hadn’t planned to stick around for the next drawing, which was a couple of hours away at midnight.  I felt better.  I know he could have been lying, but I doubt it.  Why would he lie? I suppose you could make a case that since he knows he’ll play against me again, lying about his bluff this time will make it easier for him to bluff me next time.  But I really don’t think that’s what he was up to.

That brings me to the best hand of the night for me.  I had been up and down and was hovering around $100 at this point, down from my $200 buy-in. Couldn’t get any traction.  I had won a hand with pocket Kings and then lost to those same Kings to a lady who didn’t three-bet me with them (I raised with Ace-Queen). I thought the Queen on the board was good but she called me down and showed the well-disguised cowboys
Earlier, that lady had won a huge three-way pot when she rivered a Royal Flush.  She was pretty conservative from then on, not risking a lot of chips.

Anyway, I was on the button with 9-8 diamonds and someone had made it $10 and two players called in front of me, so I decided to come in.  Then the big blind bumped it to $27.  He was a new player and I kind of got the vibe that he was pretty flaky and I didn’t assume the three-bet meant what it usually means when a player three-bets.  So when two of the players in front of me called the $27, I thought about it and decided to call.  With my stack, I knew I wasn’t risking a lot if it went bad.  And with the pot over $100 before the flop, I had a chance for a big score if I got lucky.  I suppose an argument could be made for shoving there, but I just called and closed the action.

The flop was 10-7-7, one diamond.  Not a bad flop for me.  The preflop raiser checked, the next player checked, and the last player before me to act bet $100.  From his play, I thought he could easily have just a 10 there.  Maybe even a pocket pair less than a 10 (since he hadn’t raised pre, I thought an overpair very unlikely). I couldn’t put him on a boat because he wouldn’t have bet, or he would have bet a lot less. 

As it turned out, I had the perfect size stack ($65-$70) to play along.  I called with the open-ender (and back-door straight flush draw).  But hey, if 2Butt was there, he would have bitched that I “called with nothing.”  The other two players folded.  We didn’t show.  The turn was a diamond that made a straight flush impossible, but a flush very possible. The river was not a diamond, just a Jack that gave me the nut straight.  The other player turned over Queen-10.  My read was dead on.

I said, “Nice river card,” to the dealer as I stacked my chips.  Suddenly I was in the black for the night.  I won a few more small pots, lost a few small pots, and left up $50.  Since I was down $100 just a little bit earlier, I was pretty satisfied with that. I was also happy that I never saw 2Butt again.


  1. he was from colorado? did u ask him if his name was angerisagift?

    1. It didn't occur to me at the time that he could be anger.

      I must admit that when I was writing this post, the thought that it might have been him did quickly pass thru my mind. But I dismissed because I couldn't imagine anger acting that insane. Besides, he would have commented on our blogs if he was in Vegas.

    2. LOL.if only i was in my 20s,sir.and u r correct,rob.i would of said something earlier.the YOGA PANTS PIC is AWESOME.also,i would b playing omaha mostly

    3. I knew you'd like the pic, anger!

    4. of course.YOGA YOGA. hopefully Rakewell's blog will b about YOGA PANTS. alSO i haTe when ppl call me too. TEXT biiiiiiiiiiiitches

    5. anger, YOU should do a Yoga Pants/Boobies blog.

  2. the dealer at this time was not the best to handle this situation and said absolutely nothing during this whole time

    If dealers want tips, it's up to them to do something. Why should you or I have to call for the floor?

    1. Right you are, MOJO, I totally agree. Another dealer who had overheard the guy's ranting said that he would have called the floor immediately.

      But here's some feedback that I've gotten from--well, maybe not from dealers, but maybe from spouses of dealers--they might be afraid of not getting tips from the person they report. I'm sure 2Butt was tipping or I would have noticed it, but if the floor speaks to him, he might be less eager to tip after that. At least that's the way some dealers might see it.

      Of course, I've occasionally seen the dealer call the floor when i didn't think it was necessary, so it's always a judgment call. But in this case it was pretty obvious the jerk should have been warned.

  3. Yeah fashion police, chill out... :)

    1. Actually, it's not really a "fashion police" thing. Lord knows I'm the last person to complain about people's fashion choices.

      "Fashion police" would be like railing against wearing socks with sandals, wearing stripes with plaid, wearing white after Labor Day, that sort of thing.

      This is actually more of a political gripe. To me, wearing your baseball cap backwards shows an utter disregard for decent society.

  4. "I don't personally wear my hat backwards because I'm not an idiot, but I wouldn't judge anyone who does.”"

    I'm assuming this was an attempt at humor, right? Because it's pretty damn funny. I mean, he doesn't judge; but then - same sentence - he judges. Am I just stating the obvious?

    Anyway, nice post. You have far more patience than me. I would have left that table quite quickly. Poker is meant to be fun; and that table sounded the opposite of fun.

    P.S. I'm packing a series of baseball caps for August . . . all of which will be worn backwards

    1. I agree if the table isnt fun/profitable .i leave after 1 orbit. also what size was the idiots gf's "funbags". LOL

    2. @Pete, it took me a couple of seconds to get it too. At first it was like, "yeesh, I have to respond to someone who is ok with that look"....but then I saw he was basically calling anyone who wears the cap backwards an idiot! And of course, then he says he wouldn't judge anyone who wears the cap backwards, AFTER CALLING THEM IDIOTS. Pretty sure that's judging them! I only wish I knew the name of the brilliant commenter.

      @anger--I don't recall the size of the ta-ta's, which leaves me to believe they were no more than average at best. If they were Kate Upton-sized, I'd probably still be thinking about them.

  5. I have a stock line that I use in situations like the "I hate it when people call me with nothing" one. I say, loud enough for all to hear, but to nobody in particular, "The only thing in poker that's worse than a player who whines when he loses is a player who whines when he wins."

    I've found that I can say it with a big smile, and get most people at the table to laugh. Usually there is just one person left NOT laughing--and you can probably guess who that is.

    This gives me great satisfaction.

    1. I need to start memorizing stock responses to common occurrences, and yours here is a terrific response, Grump.

      However, not sure how it would have worked in this particular case. This guy was talking so loud and so non-stop that I doubt anyone would have heard me.

      But another idea I have--which could get me punched out--I could just say, "Hey, if it upsets you so much, I understand you not wanting to take the tainted money. I'd be happy to take it off your hands."