Busting The Busty Blonde

((NOTE:  Before we get started with your regularly scheduled blog post, I want to point you in the direction of The Trooper's very latest video.  I'm sure after my last post you've all subscribed to his Vlog, but just in case, you need to check this out.  He calls the video "The Slut Parade," and no, I won't be suing him for copyright infringement.  But he does shoot some video that my readers have been demanding for years.  Watch it here and enjoy!))

As long time readers have figured out, there are a lot of things that annoy me.  Here’s one I haven’t mentioned before: Playing poker 9-handed in a table made for 10 players.

This only pertains to poker tables that have built-in cup holders.  If there are no built-in cup-holders, it’s not an issue.  Although, the fact that the table doesn’t have built-in cup-holders is a totally separate issue. 

Anyway, if a game is meant to have nine players, the cup-holder will be conveniently located in the center of each player.  This is good for two reasons.  First, it puts the player’s drink in the most convenient place possible.  Second, it gives guidance to every player as to where their chair should be situated.  The dealer can rightly tell each player that the cup-holder should align with the person’s belly button.  Simple.

If the game is 10-handed and the table has 10 cup-holders, that too is not an issue.  But some rooms have both 9-handed games and 10-handed games, and that can create a problem. 

These days, most no-limit games in Vegas are 9-handed, and not a lot of rooms spread limit games very often.  But, most of these rooms play their tournaments 10-handed.  Some rooms, like the Venetian I think (but don’t quote me), have all their tables with 10 cup-holders since during the Deepstacks events, almost any table could be used as a tournament table.  Other rooms have some tables that have 10 cup-holders and some that have 9 cup-holders.

MGM is one such room.  Although they seldom get any limit games any more, they do run tournaments.  So a number of their tables have 10 cup-holders.  And of course, sometimes they need to use those ten-handed tables for cash games, particularly on the weekends when they don’t run their evening tournaments. 

Why does it bother me?  After all, they have an extra cup-holder, so what’s the big deal?  Who would complain about extra cup-holder?

The issue for me is with the placement of the cup-holders.  It seems invariably when I sit down at one of those tables, I want to rest my arms exactly where my drink is.  I either have to rest my arm to close to my body or two far away from it (and thus too close to the person next to me).  I feel like I’m always intruding on the space of the person next to me—or that they are intruding on mine.

OK, it’s not the end of the world.  There are bigger things to complain about.  I get it.  But still, it’s a minor annoyance and all other things being equal, I would take a seat at table with 9 cup-holders over a table with 10 cup-holders.

So that is one of the reasons I got up to change my table on this particular Saturday night in Vegas. I was stuck at a 10 cup-holder table.  My arm kept trying to rest exactly where my drink was. 

Another reason was that I wasn’t getting any cards where I was, and it was kind of a boring game.  I mean, the first time I got a playable hand, it was pocket Aces.  I was in the big blind.  It folded to the small blind.  He asked if I chopped, I said yes, showed the Aces and said, “I wouldn’t want to play these anyway.”  About an orbit and a half later, I got Aces again.  It folded to me in middle position. I bet $8 and no one called.  Ordinarily I wouldn’t show, but I couldn’t resist.  I showed them and said, “I guess these things are worthless.”  Somehow, I managed to lose about $80 at that first table.

But when I noticed they were starting a new game at a table right in the front of the room, a table with only 9 cup-holders, I might add, I asked if I could move into that new game was given the ok.  I assure you, it was just a total coincidence that this table offers the best view of the Parade de Sluts that was about to start any minute, this being a Saturday evening.  It never entered my mind.

There were only two seats left when I got to that table, the ones on either side of the dealer.  Again, by sheer coincidence, these two seats happen to be the two best for watching the scenery that was about to pass by.  I took seat 1, and eventually, a young woman ended up taking seat 9.

I got a quick glance at the woman.  She definitely was attention-getting.  She was young, blonde, extremely attractive, and dressed to impress.  I mean, impress anyone who is interested in large breasts. Personally, I don’t know anyone like that, but I hear they exist.  Her top was very low cut, and she appeared to be particularly blessed in this particular area.  And honestly, there was enough on display to convince me after only a quick glance that her talents were god-given.  

But it was a tragedy that she had to take seat 9.  It mean that the view she was about to experience—from other young ladies dressed as provocatively as she was—was going to be totally wasted on her. What a shame.  She was of course the only female at the table and sadly, the guys facing her wouldn’t be able to easily see the club-goers easily.  They would be forced to look at her instead.

Which of course, wasn’t a bad deal.  Except for me, as I had the worse possible seat to see the attractive blonde.  I guess you call it a bad beat. By the way, the busty blonde had a wedding ring and it looked like her husband was sitting at a nearby table.

Almost immediately, it appeared that the blonde was unsure of herself at the poker table.  She had trouble handling the chips, looking at her cards, figuring out when the action was on her or knowing how much she could bet or if she had to bet.  Wow, a really good looking woman, built like her, dressed like her, who has no clue what she is doing at a poker table?  Pretty much the ideal person to have at your game, right?

Well, the two guys sitting to my immediate left didn’t think so.  They started talking and they quickly developed the theory that she was putting on an act—that she was really a good player who was acting like the helpless female just to take advantage of us.  Hmm, if they were right, then the blonde was intentionally working the “Jennifer Tilly Effect” (see here).  I was leaning to believe she was the novice she seemed, but I carefully observed her play to see if I could tell what she was up to.

My determination was that she honestly didn’t know what she was doing.  She shoved once with top pair, weak kicker on a very scary board and I honestly couldn’t see any decent player doing that, especially since the other player didn’t have enough chips to fold any reasonable hand.  I can’t recall the details, but when she shoved, the other guy had the hand I put her on.  To me it was evidence of a newbie.

She wasn’t the only bad player at the table.  In the big blind I had 9-3 of hearts, and there was no raise. Six of us saw the flop, which had two hearts.  A guy bet $2.  I called, I think most players folded.  A blank hit the turn and he bet $2 again.  Did he think this was a 2/4 game?  Well, thanks for giving me odds to make my hand.  Which I did on the river.  I bet $10 with my flush, and he called (it was heads up by then, those mighty $2 bets had gotten everyone else out).  He mucked when he saw my flush. 

I later caught a straight when I limped in from the small blind with 7-4 offsuit (because almost everyone had limped in). I won a small pot.

Then, I limped in from the small blind with Ace-Queen.  Five of us saw the flop, including the blonde who had limped from the button. Because of the hand I described earlier that convinced me that her bad play wasn’t an act, she was now seriously short-stacked (you’ll pardon the expression). The flop was Ace-high so I led out for $6.  It folded to the blonde who made it $20.  I called.  The turn was a blank and she went all in for her last $12.  I called.  The river was a blank and she showed Ace-Jack.  When she didn’t rebuy, I had some regret about winning that pot.  I had busted the busty blonde.  I did get some nasty looks and comments from some of the other guys at the table.  The two guys sitting right across from her seemed especially pissed, for some reason.  In my defense, remember, I had the worst view of her.  She went over to the game where her husband was and watched him play for awhile, before leaving the room.

Sadly, busting the busty blonde was the highlight of this poker session.  I won a few more small pots, lost a few small pots, but never really had much going on.  I came close to breaking even, but didn’t quite make it.  Oh, and those two times I had the Aces and never saw a flop (and won a whopping three bucks)?  The only time I saw Aces this night, of course.