Caesars' New Slut Parade -- A Review

It’s a dirty job, but somebody has to do it.

By “it” I mean, check out the newest incarnation of that scientific phenomenon that I respectfully call,”The Slut Parade.” 

Of course, that is a truly horrific assignment.  Observe the mass of humanity that would be lining up to go the newest and hottest nightclub in town?  You realize that most of those lining up are young, attractive young ladies wearing almost no clothing.  Copious quantities of bare legs will be displayed. Boatloads of highly toned buttocks concealed by the tightest of tight skirts will be flaunted.  And, most frighteningly of all, obscene amounts cleavage will be exposed to the naked eye.  And since some of these young ladies ignore the instruction their mamas no doubt gave them about always wearing clean (or any) underwear, it’s entirely possible a hoo-ha or two could escape.

Yes, it is quite terrifying to think about.  Nevertheless, I had to face the terror.

I knew my readers would insist on it.  My readers would want to know how the new Slut Parade stacks up against the old Slut Parade.

Sigh.  Sometimes, you just gotta take one for the team.

The new club is at Caesars.  I first heard about it last year, doing my job, being informed that the poker room over there was going to be closed temporarily and then relocated to make way for a major expansion of their old night club.  Conveniently, the new poker room is located near where the old one was, and thus very close to the club.

Then I learned that the new club would be run by the same folks who own the club at MGM, the Hakkasan group.  The new club is called Omnia, if you care to know.  When I learned that, I figured that the parade might just be moving there as well.  I figured that the hippest people would be more interested in the newest—and therefore most exciting—club.  And besides, by now, most of that crowd had already been to Hakkasan.  So I figured not only might Caesars become the best place for viewing such nice scenery, but that the view at MGM might no longer be as good, since the A-listers would be over at Caesars and MGM would be left with the second string.

That was just a theory and I had to investigate.  The new club opened just a week or so before my arrival in Vegas, and so, I was able to check it out my first Saturday night in town.

To fully compare, I of course had to check out the view from the poker room, so I played there Saturday night.  The layout of the poker room at Caesars is a bit different than MGM.  The seat I had though had an excellent view of the traffic outside the room, at least some of it.  I was facing the foot traffic that would be heading towards the club from the parking structure. 

Once the crowd started arriving, I immediately noticed a couple of issues with the Caesars’ version.  For one thing, all the tables are farther away from the crowd.  This might be good for concentrating on poker but it diminishes the view somewhat.  And more significantly, the Caesars room has an actual fence around it, instead of railing.  At least I think that’s true.  All I know is that as the people came in from the parking and headed to the club, I could really only see them from the waist up.

I hear you saying, “But Rob, isn’t that the view you like the most?”  Actually, despite some nasty rumors, I appreciate the entirety of the female form.  Besides, these fine young ladies went to great lengths to expose approximately 93% of their bodies.  If I don’t see their upper, upper thighs, their often bare midriffs, or their buttocks wrapped in impossibly tight cloth, I feel like I’m insulting them, that I’m failing to appreciate the time and effort they took to expose themselves to that degree.  I don’t want to be rude, you know.

There were probably some spots in the poker room where you could more easily look out the front of the room, which was more open and thus capable of providing a full head-to-toe view.  But these seats would have been even farther back from the traffic.  So as far as I could tell, there was nowhere in the poker room you could sit that would provide as good a view as many of the seats in the MGM poker room do.

Ok, so what if you got off your ass and walked over and by the line to get in the club?  I’ve heard that some guys like to do that, just to view the ladies.  I don’t know anyone like that, mind you, but that’s what I’ve heard.  So, solely to give you good people the best information possible, I did that myself. And you know what?  Once again, Caesars falls short of MGM.

The problem is that the area where they line up at Caesars is much more compact, and much more crowded.  The actual line to get in, where everyone is queued up, is about 4, 5, 6 rows deep. They’re kind of packed in like sardines. It’s much more spread out at MGM.  That means most of the folks in line are not really visible to passersby. There are too many folks around them, blocking the view. At MGM, you can see a much, much higher percentage of the people waiting to get into the club, and see most of them fully (as opposed to mostly just their faces at Caesars). 

There’s also just a lot fewer folks in night club attire just milling around, because there’s less room for them. 

Now, I know you want to know about the, um, “quality” of the crowd.  Is it a step up now from MGM?  And I honestly can’t say one way or the other.  For one thing, that’s highly subjective, isn’t it?  But also, well, again, there might have been some exceptional looking lovelies buried in that queue that I couldn’t see.  But I have to say, I spent more time at MGM than at Caesars on club nights, and there were plenty of fine looking ladies still over at the MGM.  And to the naked eye, it sure didn’t seem like their crowds were any smaller than before the new club opened.  Although, I did hear one player over there tell me that he heard their business was down considerably since the new club had opened.  But I didn’t really notice that.

Bottom line, there’s plenty of incredibly attractive women going to both venues, but, for my money, you get to see the “show” better at MGM.

The compactness of the area presented a problem for me when I tried to use the restroom.  The line for the club kind of blocks access to the restrooms that service the club crowd (until they get inside), the sports book, the poker room, and a bar.  These restrooms are now way too small. 

But that wasn’t the issue I had.  I was trying to get to the Men’s Room from the walkway in the casino, which took my right by the queue for the club.  There was a small, but direct path to it, although it meant walking through a pathway that was apparently roped off for the club line.  But at this particular moment, there was no one in that “line”, it was totally vacant space.  And it appeared to be the only clear path to the restrooms.  I started walking through there and was about 10 seconds or less from getting to the Men’s Room when one of the bouncers they had to control the crowd told me I wasn’t allowed to go that way, I had to go around.

Excuse me, but there was no around, at least none with a clear path.  But he meant to get out of the area I was already 25% of the way in, and walk behind the bar.  The trouble with that was that bar was crowded and there were lots of people standing behind people sitting at the bar, talking.  I would have had to get at least three or four people to move to go past them to get to the Men’s room.  But that’s what this idiot bouncer made me do.

Again…..I understand at some point, possible even 30 seconds later, they would be having people line up in the area I was walking through.  But at the moment, there was no one there and there was a clear path to the Men’s Room.  And I told the guy I wasn’t cutting in front of anyone, I just needed to use the Men’s Room, rather desperately in fact.  I would have gotten out of the non-existent line in a few seconds and then out of the way.  But the jerk insisted I back up and go around by the bar.

So I did that, saying excuse me to half a dozen people standing behind the bar to get a path to the restroom.  By now I was a little bit (or a lot) pissed (so-to-speak) and it’s entirely possible that when I got passed all those people, but was not quite to the Men’s Room, I may have stopped for a second and yelled to the bouncer at the top of my lungs, “Do you want me to pee on the f***ing floor?” 

Actually, I didn’t really do that, I only imagined doing it.

Or did I?

You guys can figure that out.  For now, I’ll just repeat that I think the “old” Slut Parade at MGM is still the best.  Newer isn’t always better.

Oh, and this.....oh the sacrifices I make for you folks!