Friday, March 9, 2012

"He Doesn't Like it When I Talk About My Vagina at the Poker Table" (The Return of Prudence, Part 2)

This is the next part of The Return of Prudence saga, first part told here You probably want to read that post before this one if you haven’t already done so. Also, I figured out a way to explain how Prudence discovered my blog, and why I suspected that she had read it by the time I came to Vegas this time.  Since it’s a long story, I’m going to put it on a separate page on the blog.  Those of you interested in the story can go here to read it and then come back (or read it after). Or not.  This is kind of an experiment for me to see how many clicks it gets.

So this chapter took place the very next evening back at BSC.  This was also the day I spent a good part of the time with fellow blogger grrouchie.  Some of the festivities of this day have already been reported by grrouchie here.and I previously reported on my dinner with grrouchie (soon to be a major motion picture) here.

As I told grrouchie, the night before right before leaving the poker room, I promised Prudence I would play poker with her the next night.  So in separate cars after the wonderful burger grrouchie treated me to, we headed to BSC.  I took a really wrong turn somewhere, and so grrouchie arrived well before me.  By the time I got to the poker room, grrouchie was at a just started table.  My plan to play with Prudence was initially foiled when Prudence got a table change to take the last seat at grrouchie’s table.  The reason she wanted that table was not to play with grrouchie (sorry, man) who she did not know, but to sit next to Ginger.  Ginger is one of my dealer pals, a very attractive lady who has made three recent appearances on the blog, here, here, and here.  This meant that grrouchie was at a table with not one but two really attractive, really fun ladies.  That was definitely the table to be at, regardless of the poker.

And because Prudence had filled the final seat at her table, I had no choice but to take the seat she vacated at the table next to them.  But of course I put in for a table change to the other table.  Unfortunately, because that table had just opened up, it would take a while before a spot would open that I could move to.  But good things come to those that wait, and eventually I was able to move to the game I wanted.

Unfortunately, I sat closer to grrouchie than to Prudence and Ginger.  No offense, grrouch, but the view would have been a lot better closer to the girls.  By a factor of infinity.  Prudence wanted to sit next to Ginger because they are pals, what with Ginger working at BSC and Prudence being a fixture there.  I wasn’t in a good position to chat with grrouchie either, but I was really straining to hear the carrying on’s of the two ladies.  They were talking and laughing and seemed to be having a really great time, and I was a bit frustrated that I could only hear maybe 10% of what they were saying.
Even without hearing what they were saying, I could tell they were being outrageous, as I knew they would be.  I could tell by the laughter and great reactions coming from the two men nearest the ladies.  But I was missing it.  Having waited out a table change, I now had to wait out a seat change to get closer to the fun.
In the meantime, Prudence said something and the gentlemen next to Ginger almost lost control of himself laughing, and turned seven shades of red.  I heard nothing.  But Prudence pointed to me and said to Ginger, “he heard that.”
“No,” I said honestly.  “I didn’t hear it.  And it really pisses me off.”  The girls found that quite funny.
Soon thereafter it was just Ginger and the guy next to him (the red-faced guy) in a hand, and Ginger had made a bet, and was waiting for the guy to call, fold or raise.  Prudence eggs Ginger on, “Show him.”  Ginger was not about to show the guy her hand and said so.  Then Prudence said, “No, not your hand.  Show him your boobs.”  Ginger laughed and she definitely wouldn’t show him that!
Well, that’s what I thought Prudence said, but I was kind of guessing.  I knew she had said show him something other than her hand, and being “bosom-obsessed”, I just assumed it was that.  But I didn’t really hear it.  To get the story right, sometime later in the trip, I asked the two of them what she had really said.  According to one of them, what Prudence had actually told Ginger to show was “her nuts”—a play on the fact that the absolute best hand in Hold Em (for the current board) is referred to as “the nuts.” (I expect a fair amount of non-poker players will be ready this entry, sorry).  Apparently at the time, and in the retelling of this story, Ginger insisted that, as a woman, she didn’t have any nuts to show.
I guess there was poker being played too but I was paying scant attention to the cards, I was too busy straining to try hear what I was missing.  Finally the red-faced guy busted out and I immediately grabbed his seat, so I was sitting right next to Ginger, who had Prudence on the other side.  I had finally reached Nirvana!
Prudence was of course amused that I moved next to them, but after all, we had promised each other the night before we would play together. I only wish I had a tape recorder to record all the fun conversation and outrageous comments that took place once I got to that spot, but I’ll have to go by memory to report the frivolity.
Within a few minutes of my sitting there, Prudence, with no provocation whatsoever, turned to Ginger and said of me, “He’s obsessed with bosoms.”  Ginger just laughed.  Apparently, she was not surprised by this revelation, although she resisted the temptation to ask how she knew this. 
She then started remembering things about my blog.  It was soon becoming clear she hadn’t read just the link I gave her or the entry about her outrageous performance from December, she had read some of the other entries as well.  Again, I was flattered.  She remembered all the Jennifer Tilly references.  So she said, “No wonder you keep mentioning Jennifer Tilly, Mr. Bosom Obsessed.”  Again, Ginger, who really didn’t understand Prudence bringing Ms. Tilly up out of the blue, cracked up.
Grrouchie enjoyed it too, having moved over into the seat to my immediate left.  So the four of us were now all ensconced in one corner of the table.  This insured two things.  One, that no good poker was ever going to be played, and two, that the night would be fun and memorable.
Anyway, grrouchie tried to defend me by saying that my affinity for Ms. Tilly was due to being a huge fan of the film, Bride of Chucky.  Nice try, and thanks for the attempt, but I don’t think anyone was buying it.  Now the dealer at this time was Brent, who I first told you about here. Brent and I have had many a nice conversation over the years about poker, life, sports, and yes, women.  He heard the reference to Jennifer Tilly (but didn’t know the context) and mentioned that she still is a fine looking woman, despite her age.  There was discussion about how old she really was and grrouchie used his cell phone to find that she was in fact 54 and we all agreed she looked great for her age.  Ginger compared that to her age (much younger, but I won’t reveal it) and we all agreed that she looked much younger than she is, which absolutely true.
Now Brent had earlier made the comment to the effect that, “I’m attracted to any woman who is hot and attracted to me.”  So at this point he said about Ginger, in regard to her age, “I’d still do her.”
Now to be honest, I’m not 100% sure if the “her” in her sentence was Ginger or Jennifer Tilly.  But while I was laughing at this, Ginger piped in with, “Verbal is binding!” which was really funny, especially if Brent was talking about her.  Doesn’t make as much sense if he meant Tilly. 
Sometime before Brent’s down, Prudence left the table to use the Ladies Room.  I don’t know why I didn’t want to ask Prudence this directly, but I guess in my mind it would be more fun to ask it of Ginger.  So I asked Ginger what I was dying to know for the past hour.  “What did Prudence say to that guy that made him turn so red?  Ginger just busted out laughing at the question.  But she said she wouldn’t tell me.  Instead, she would ask Prudence to tell me when she returned.  Which she did.
And Prudence had no problem in repeating what she said.  She was just saying how her boyfriend, Tom, “is very supportive of me.  He just wishes I wouldn’t talk about my vagina at the poker table.”  That got everybody in hysterics, needless to say.  She then proceeded to talk about how with Google’s new policies, your friends can see your Google searches.  Or something like that. She mentioned a friend of hers searching the term “vaginal mucous” and other people finding out, not a good thing.  I really didn’t follow the Google thing, but you know, in the next few minutes, I did hear the words “vagina” and “vaginal mucous” more that I had in the last six months total, so it was pretty hard to concentrate on anything, really.  Poker?  There was poker going on at the table?  You coulda fooled me.
That happened before Brent came to the table.  Once he was there, I had finally recovered from all the vagina mentionings and then I started to wonder exactly what was the context of Prudence telling the guy that her boyfriend didn’t like her talking about her vagina at the poker table.  I mean seriously, how exactly did that come up?
Nothing to do but ask Prudence herself.  She was way ahead of me.  “Prudence, I was just wondering, exactly what was the context of….”
“Bringing up my vagina?”
“Hmm, yes.”
“Well, it’s just that when I’m playing poker, and I expose my hand and how I play, it’s like exposing my vagina to the whole table.”
O.  K.
Of course I cracked up, and there was Brent, in the middle of dealing a hand, who had not heard all the vagina talk earlier. This was the first time he heard the word “vagina” used that night—at least at this table.  I can’t vouch for the other games. He didn’t react at all.  Seriously, he didn’t react.  This was maybe the most professionalism I’ve ever seen a poker dealer ever exhibit.  I even commented on it. “Brent, I must commend on your professionalism.  It is impressive.”
Still completely stoic, he said he was just focusing on so and so in seat whatever and the bet that was just made.  Awesome job, Brent!
As much as I hated to leave the table with all the fun going on, nature finally insisted and I had to go to the Men’s Room.  I had a line prepared for my return.  I was going to ask the ladies, “So tell me, how many times was the v-word uttered while I was gone?”
But I didn’t have to. As I sat down, before I could say anything, I actually heard Prudence say “vagina” again.  I have no idea what the context was, but it wasn’t just because of me, she was going to say it whether I was there or not.  I told her what I planned to say and they both laughed.
As I mentioned, Prudence proved she was a fan of the blog. At one point she explained to Ginger that I called her Prudence and why.  But she didn’t tell her it was the context of writing a blog post and Ginger never asked her under what circumstances I called her Prudence. 
Then, out of the clear blue, she turns to me and says, “Robert, so where exactly was it that you had your first hooker encounter?”  Of course like any question that could possibly embarrass me, she said it very loudly.  I said, “Whoa, you make it sound like I had an actual experience with a hooker.  It was just a five second conversation” I said this to anyone at the table who would listen to me but I don’t think anybody did!  I gave her the location of story reported here.
She also told me she liked the story of the guy who didn’t know of the guy who didn’t know he had a straight flush, told here. I believe that grrouchie hadn’t read that post yet so I briefly explained the story to anyone who would listen.
She also said I was a good writer and should get a job writing for some poker site.  Amen to that.
When Tom came to the table, just to say hi and not to deal, Prudence points to me and says to her boyfriend, “I love this man!”  I kinda choked on that and said it was probably not a good idea to say that in front of Tom, but she insisted that Tom knew how she meant it and that he knows he’s number one with her.
Prudence also asked me which dealer had ratted her out and told me that she was Tom’s girlfriend all along.  I resisted at first, but it’s really hard to say no to a woman who is so open about her vagina.  Actually, she really did figure it out, because when Jack came to the table, she said, “it’s him, isn’t it?”
At one point, Prudence and Ginger told me to look ever to the next table quickly.  They wanted me to see a really attractive Massage Girl giving a guy massage at the next table.  The girl had her back to us and had incredibly tight pants on, and you could clearly see the outline of her thong.  Thanks for the tip, ladies. One of the ladies, I can’t recall which, said, “Look at that, she’s wearing a thong!”  Grrouchie said, “That’s not exactly a secret.”  Yeah, it was real obvious.
Things quieted down when Ginger picked up her chips and took off. Also, a table bully showed up and started taking grrouchie’s and Prudence’s chips.  I think someone else got mine, not sure.  The bully got the last of Prudence’s chips I believe and she left, and soon thereafter I busted out myself.  Yeah, there was some poker played but that didn’t really seem to be the point of the evening.
The point of the evening was to see how many times I could hear the words “vagina” and “vaginal” spoken at a poker table. Damn, I wish I’d kept count.

The story of Prudence continues here. 


  1. thought for a second that "count" was a typo.

    1. Heh, heh. Very funny, Mr. Southpaw. In fact, as I think of it, no slang or alternate term for the v-word was spoken that night. It was all vagina, all the time. Prudence is nothing if not direct!

  2. "That was the table to be at, regardless of the poker".

    Rob, some advice from Auntie make it too easy for women like me to take your money. And bleh, you lost me at vaginua mucus.

    1. I suppose you have a point, but I was kind of exaggerating a bit how little I was paying attn to the poker. In fact, the three nights I played with Prudence, I finished ahead twice and was up over all. And in fact I never lost any big pots to Prudence (nor did she to me). We both were happy to take other people's chips, though I think she had less success when I was with her than I did.

      So does this mean I will be at the mercy of your feminine wiles when we play in person this summer? Will you also be bringing the cleavage to further throw me off my game? Can't wait!

      Sorry about the vaginal mucous but that's Prudence for you. So let's see, I don't like talk about politics and religion at the poker table, and you don't like talk about vaginal mucous! Ok we keep all of that out of the game when we meet! No problem.

  3. It was a fun evening at the poker table and one which isn't encountered often enough.

    People talking and laughing should be the norm, poker is STILL a social game even though the rat bastards that wear their headphones 100% of the time and hide behind sunglasses when trying to make a $35 decision while doing their best Phil Ivy impression and getting bent out of shape as if the $80 bucks they just lost seriously means a lot to them.

    Bring forth the Vaginal topics or whatever else it takes to bring a smile and conversation to the table.
    This is why I love to get out and meet people as they are in town visiting.
    You, Lucki Duck, and everyone else passing through!

    1. You know, grrouch man, I'm pretty sure you always had headphones when we were playing together. Just sayin'.

    2. They help cut out background noise but sharpen voices.

      He let me play with them when he first bought them. They're pretty awesome!

    3. Oh, wow, I'll have to have grrouchie show me those headphones, sound great. If I was wearing them at this table, maybe I would have heard a lot more gems from Prudence! How expensive are they? Maybe I could write them off as a business expense!

  4. Rob, The subject of "vagina mucus" appears to be gender specific. You "lost" Josie on the mention of that stuff, but for me, the mention of it kept me reading to the last word! Excellent blog post. Prudence is outstanding!

    1. Yeah, Woody, I thought you might like this post. Call it a lucky guess. Thanks.

  5. One night at Wynn a guy got drunk and had us all laughing our butts off. I was losing a little bit and normally would leave, but that one night I figured the entertainment was worth far more than any cashish I could win.

    I imagine that at some time in the future PokahDave will start reading this blog. Dave and I were playing a late night session at Harrah's Las Vegas in December after Dave had had more than a few brews. He was singing poker karaoke (singing poker terms to popular songs) and dropping quite a few F bombs. I got accused of dropping them also when I swear the dealer just overhard me saying "facial aphasia." Of course, maybe I should not have asked if I would get in trouble for saying I was think of taking a trip to the Hover Dam ...

    1. I've seen the name PokahDave around, you mean he ISN'T reading my blog? Why the hell not? Get on it, Mr. Lightning! Come on. Tell him that we're gonna talk about him behind his back until he starts reading it. Then we'll only talk about him in front of his back.

      Great story abot the night at Harrah's but I don't get the reference to Hoover Dam, guess I'm slow. And I'm sure if you try to say "facial aphasia" three times fast it will sound really, really nasty.

  6. Perhaps I should have spelled it "Hoover Damn?"

    1. I thought maybe that's what you meant but I've never seen anyone warned for saying "damn" at a poker table. It's usually only the "f-bomb" or maybe the c-word. Usually shit is not a problem. So to speak. I noted last time that they seemed to be loosening up even on the "f-bomb" which surprised me. Maybe some dealers were just being lax or had poor hearing. :)

      As I wrote in my post "I wish Mine were Bigger!" there's actually like seven or so words you can't say but I rarely see more than one stopped these days.

  7. Someone buy me a burger before our next session and I promise to continue talking about fur burgers.

    1. Ok....and if I buy you a milkshake will you talk about breasts? Just checking.

      Thanks so much for commenting, Miss Prudence.

      And YES folks, this comment really is from "the" Prudence herself. When I first saw the comment, I couldn't be sure, since anyone could call herself (or even HIMself) Prudence, but I have indeed received confirmation as to the true identity of this commenter and it is indeed her.