Running Naked Out of the Convent Shouting "Do Me!"

(If you enjoy this story, be sure to read about the Return of Prudence here, here, here and here!)

You should read my previous post (here) before reading this one as a way of introduction.  You don’t have to, but it will help put this in context.

This tale took place on my last night in Vegas for the year.  About two days before New Year’s Eve.  It was the last time I played poker in 2011.

I was going to spend my last night playing No Limit, as I had most of the past week.  Bought in to the 1/2 game at BSC for $300, the maximum.  I was really going to focus on the players and learn their habits so I could try to make a nice score on my way out of town.  Since, as we have established in my previous post, there’s no distracting table talk at the No Limit game, this shouldn’t have been a problem.  I could give the game my 100% attention.

Not quite.

A few minutes after I settled in at the table I was sent to, a cute young Asian woman returned and moved from seat 5 to seat 1, right next to the dealer.  I took her old seat as I prefer sitting in the middle when possible (bad eyesight).  There was also a middle aged black guy at the table who we’ll call Horace for the sake of this story. Horace and the girl had obviously been having a conversation long before I arrived at the table.  Horace called the lady “Prudence” so that’s what I’ll call her in this post .  (Note: Just to be clear, no one called her Prudence.  I use pseudonyms in this blog and that is the most ironic name I could think of).

Anyway, it seemed that she and Horace were having quite the conversation before I got to the table, and were now continuing it.  At first I tried to pay attention to the cards and didn't catch a lot of what was now going on between them, but it soon became impossible to ignore.  

The first odd thing I heard her say was, "I'm not some timid concubine.  I know what I want and I go for it."

I have no idea what the context of that was, but from that moment on, I knew I had to start paying more attention to her.  I can't recall the last time I heard the word "concubine" used in general conversation.  It might have been during the Carter administration.

Prudence asked the lady dealer who was "pushing" her, ie, who was the next dealer at the table.  When the dealer told her it was Tom, she got excited.  "Oh, he's cute.  I like him. I could hook up with him."

OK, it was becoming clear to me that Prudence was an BSC regular.  She knew who Tom was. She was acting very comfortable at the BSC and was saying things indicating she knew a lot of the dealers by name.  It was here I think that I asked if she lived here and she told me she's from New York.  She said she was visiting Vegas to see some kind of fight that was taking place in Vegas that weekend.  I must admit this is a sport I don’t follow at all so I didn’t know anything about it.

Someone asked her what she was doing for New Year’s Eve and she said she'd be in her room (at BSC).  "I'm here for the fight, not to party."  She engaged in a lengthy conversation with Horace and another player about the upcoming fight, which was completely lost on me.  But I kept my ears open waiting for the conversation to start getting more salacious.  It didn't take long.

Tom indeed was the next dealer. Of course Tom knows me as a limit player, (almost all the dealers at BSC know me) but he'd seen me now play No Limit for a few nights (and perhaps last month too).  "So, is this your new thing now?"  I knew he meant if I was now a dedicated No Limit player instead of a limit player.  I said something like, "Well, I'm still experimenting, just trying to get a feel for things.  We'll see."  So he asked, "Well how you doing so far?"  I said  I was doing ok.  "At least I haven't lost my shirt yet."

Tom said that was a good thing, it was cold I needed my shirt.  To which Prudence responded, directly to me, "If I asked you to take off your shirt, would you?"

I was rather shocked by this—to say the least— and laughed nervously.  I think I muttered something like, "I don't think anybody would really want that" or some such.  Of course, I was really pissed that I was too flustered to come up with the perfect response in time, which of course would have been something like, "I will if you will" or "I could ask you the same question." Because I would have loved to have heard her response!  I'm sure it would have been memorable (tho definitely not mammarable).  Damn, wasted opportunity.  A hanging curve and I didn't even swing.  Oh well.

Since I didn't answer yes immediately, she said something like, "Oh, you're not easy, huh?"  Then she turned to the gentlemen in Seat 2, who was older than me and had not said one word since I got to the table.  He hadn't played any hands either.  He was pretty much sitting there like a statue!  And so she said to Seat 2, "How about you?  Will you give it up?" He didn't respond, I don't think he heard her, or had no idea she was talking to him, even though she was sitting right next to her.  So she asked him again if he would give it up.  I'm not really sure if he understand the question but he finally said yes.  Prudence said, "Oh, so you are a slut, huh?" Seat 2 just laughed and I have no idea if he really knew what he had said yes to. Meanwhile I spent the next half hour or so looking for an opportunity to revisit her suggestion that I might remove my shirt so I could turn the tables on her but could not find one, dammit.

Anyway, Prudence began turning her attentions to Tom, if she hadn't already. I'm not sure exactly how she phrased it, but she pretty much propositioned Tom right at the table.  But Tom resisted by saying he was saving himself for marriage!  It was certainly the funniest thing I'd ever heard Tom say and he said it perfectly deadpan.  Prudence responded that she had been doing the same up until now but she was ready.  "It's time to break the seal, Tom.  Don't you want to be the one to break the seal?"  Tom just repeated something about waiting for marriage.

It was probably around this time that she gave all of us a little more of her background.  She had had all her schooling in Catholic School.  And she had spent two years in a convent studying to be a Nun.  I thought she was kidding about that so I asked her if that was true, she insisted it was.  She joked--at least I think it was a joke--that she had a Habit up in her room.  Someone, it may have been me, asked her why she gave up the nunnery.  "Because I wanted to have sex. That's why most people give it up, why most people give up the Priesthood....they want to have sex. I have to have sex." I can't say for sure whether or not she followed that up with a comment about wanting to have sex with Tom that night, but I think she did. During all this Tom never cracked a smile and was acting totally uninterested in the conversation, or Prudence, for that matter.  

But at one point she won a pot, a fairly small one, and she tipped Tom three dollars, a very big tip for the pot-size.  And when she slipped Tom the three chips, she aid, "See three bucks....Do you suppose I'm trying to get you to bone me later?"  Again, Tom ignored her, other than to mechanically thank her for the tip.  BTW, I can't count all the times I heard the word "bone" used at this table as a euphemism for sex.  Prudence used it all the time (too many to remember the circumstances) and so did Horace.  

Tom was finally pushed by Mike. There was a whisper or two between Tom and Prudence as he left and I thought that maybe they had arranged something, but I had no idea what.  Anyway, Prudence continued to be outrageous during Mike's down.  In addition to the word "bone", she started to use the word "f***" a lot....both as a expletive and as a euphemism for "bone".  Now Mike is one of the most strict dealers at the BSC at enforcing the "no profanity" rule at the BSC poker room.  I've heard him warn many players...including Shirley, the gal who grabbed her tits and said, "I wish mine were bigger."  He was the one who told Shirley to use George Carlin's "7 Words You Can't say on TV" bit as a guide.  Yet, he never warned Prudence once, never seemed to react one time to Prudence's coarse language. I should have been suspicious of that, but I was not.

Instead, Prudence was going on about her Catholic school experiences, how they had tried to repress her sexuality and how that never works.  And trying that only backfires and makes the person even wilder than they otherwise would be.  She said that in high school, it would be, "One day a girl thinks kissing is disgusting and the next thing you know, she's pregnant.” Well it turns out Mike had gone to Catholic School in the Midwest, and his school wasn't like that at all.  He seemed to say that regretfully.  But he thought maybe there was a difference between Midwest Catholic Schools and New York ones.

She went on to say that when she finally made the decision to leave the convent and was able to date for the first time, she first tried a Christian Dating Service.  When someone expressed surprise at that, she said, "Well, it wasn't like I ran naked out of the convent shouting 'do me, do me!'"  But that didn't work out, she found the guys were too messed up.  I can't recall why. Maybe it was because their religious convictions inhibited them from wanting to bone her.

Well this discussion prompted a story by Horace about his experience trying to bone a Mormon gal. He said the girl wouldn't put out, but it was worse than that....she wanted a guy who wanted to bone her but who wouldn't for religious reasons.  She was unhappy that guys wouldn't admit they wanted to bone her!  Or something.  Anyway, once Horace realized he wasn't gonna bone this gal, he dumped her.

Horace also talked about attending church and not getting anywhere with the girls there.  This actually shocked Prudence (something hard to do).  She said to Horace, "Oh that's nice. You're there in church trying to figure out which girl you can slip your dick into?” 

At some point, possibly when Tom was still at the table but I'm not sure, I heard the following come out of Prudence's mouth, "I have a vagina.  I have the power."  Unfortunately, I didn't hear the context of that.  But she continued, "The one with the pussy has the power.  I mean, if a guy wants to bone you...."  Not sure what came after that, other than a general agreement by all the guys at the table.  Someone said that it was easy for a woman, she really shouldn't be having trouble getting a guy (or Tom, not sure if this was specific) to bone her.  She agreed.  She then went on to say that "Even a fat, ugly chick can get laid anytime she wants to."

But Horace questioned that to some degree....."that's true if the guy wants to bone her, but can a fat ugly chick get a guy who doesn't want to bone her to bone her?  Show me that!"

We got back to the subject of trying to repress sexual desire and she mentioned the girlfriend of hers I saw when I first joined the table.  I haven't mentioned her before. This gal sat behind Prudence to watch her play for a bit before leaving.  She wasn't much to look at from the neck up, but she was wearing a low cut top and had very large breasts.  Shocking that I noticed that, I know.  When she bent over to get into her chair I got more than an eyeful.  She was long gone but Prudence mentioned that this friend was actually a major, major porn star...full hard core specializing in BDSM!  They were friends from high school.

Then she mentioned another childhood friend.  This one was Jewish, came from an Orthodox home, and Prudence described her as a wallflower growing up.  But today she's a major internet entrepreneur. She runs a porn site that specializes in catering to the Punk Rock crowd!  All holes catered to.

At one point she mentioned seeing a sign for a Bible class or a church there in Vegas with the slogan, "We'll Love The Hell Out of You."

Eventually I asked how she got into poker.  She said she liked table games and one day just wandered into a poker room somewhere in Vegas to see what was going on.  A floor person tried to get her into a game.  She didn't know how to play and the floor person said, "We'll start you at 2/4 Limit....just play tight."  She said she had no idea what that meant.

Anyway she liked it and started playing more and more.  She described the first time at no limit that she lost a big pot.  She started crying right there at the table.  She texted her boyfriend about it.  He asked her to describe the hand, and when he got the details, he texted back, “You’re a f***ing idiot. You deserved to lose that hand."

So I said to her something like, "Well, I guess you got over it if you're still playing."  And she held up her drink and said, "Oh yes, I get addictions really fast."

She talked about poker for a bit.  I dunno whether it was this boyfriend or another one, but she was ranting about one who played poker and would lose his temper when he lost a hand.  One time he thought an opponent played his hand very badly and won the pot anyway. Every poker player can surely relate to that! He stated yelling at the guy, who she described as being somewhat overweight.  She quoted the boyfriend as saying to the guy, "How do you find your dick under all that fat?"  She didn't like that and said something like how can you get mad at someone just because the dealer put one card down instead of another?

So I asked if that incident was why she broke up with this guy.  "Well, we weren't really dating, we just slept together a few times." Horace said, "That's dating." but I said, "Oh, what about that whole 'it's time to break the seal' thing you said?"  Yeah, I really said that.  She said, "Oh what, someone lying at the poker table?  How unusual!"  

Someone asked what everyone's New Year's resolutions were.  I said, "I'm going to stop playing poker."  Everyone laughed.  Prudence said she didn't have one but I said, "No, yours is....to come out of your shell."  She laughed and agreed.  "Yes, I have to get over my shyness."

Before I got to the table she had apparently seen Horace win a pot and not tip the dealer.  And he must have told her that he never tips at the poker table.  She spent some time giving him a hard time about that.  Finally she flat out asked him why he never tips and he said, "Because when I lose a pot, no one tips me."  These seems like a total non-sequitur to me.  Prudence didn't like the answer either but didn't really argue with him but made it clear that she thought it was wrong of him and that she thought less of him because of this.  Horace admitted that he is not a good-guy....always cheats on his girlfriends, lies to them, etc.  Prudence said she was not surprised.

Somewhere along the way I asked her what she does for a living, and she said she was a pastry chef.  When I mentioned I lived in LA she said she considered moving there but isn't used to driving and therefore ruled it out.

She mentioned she got kicked out of the Aria once for using ethnic slurs.  It seems she sat at a table where everyone else was Chinese.  She said she felt intimidated.  They told her she couldn't say that, it was insensitive.  She reminded them that she was Asian herself.  But they asked her to leave anyway.  

Finally when he was presumably on a break, Tom came by and whispered something in her ear. I think he said something about getting a drink.  I heard her say something like,"Great, do you have a room upstairs?"  After about half an hour, she came back.  I didn't see Tom but she picked up her chips to take off.  She said her goodbyes to the table.  "I'll be back, I'm here all weekend."  I said, "Tell your friends" but I don't think she heard.  Then she said, "Poker's here 24/7 but cock won't wait forever."

And that was the last I saw of her. And I looked around a few times and couldn't see Tom anywhere in the room, even tho by my best guess his shift should not have been over.   I tried to get back to concentrating on the poker.  Considering the fact that I had paid almost no attention to the actual game all this time, I was holding my own.  But soon another dealer came to the table and we actually started talking about his dating life.  I mentioned that he might have been too late, that there was this girl at the table who was on the prowl and who knows….if she had seen him first, instead of Tom, maybe he would have gotten lucky instead of Tom.  But as I described the girl, the dealer suggested that she sounded an awful lot like Tom’s girlfriend.  I expressed my doubts.  Based on what I told him about her, which of course was based only on what Prudence had said at the table, I managed to convince him this wasn’t Tom’s girlfriend (his shift started after Prudence left the room).

Then Jack came to the table.  By this time the table was filled with local regulars.  I knew this from overhearing the conversations they were having and the fact that they knew all the dealers and the dealers knew them.  Jack talked to the guy next to me about the fight, obviously knowing this guy was a fan.  I didn't recognize the players but that's because until now I was always playing Limit and wouldn't be playing with these guys.  After Jack and I disussed the Lakers and the NBA (which Jack and I always discuss), I mentioned the entertaining girl from earlier and her mysterious interest in Tom.  Jack laughed and although he didn't see the girl at the table, he thought it was actually Tom's girlfriend.  When I presented the same evidence to Jack as I had to the previous dealer, Jack made a convincing argument that I had been played somewhat, he was sure this woman was Tom’s girlfriend.  What about the fact that she lives in New York?  Jack said she is considering moving to Vegas.  Someone commented that there's probably jobs for pastry chefs in Vegas!

Oh wow, had I been scammed?  Were Prudence and Tom just putting on a show to entertain us?  Oh well, apparently so.  But it doesn't really negate any of the outrageous things she said. It just puts everything that happened at the table in a totally different light.  The comments were still outrageous, still outstanding examples of “woman said” stories.  But now I had to conclude that she was not just throwing herself at a relative stranger.  She was throwing herself at her boyfriend.  Very different indeed. 

At this point, it was way past time for me to leave, I had to drive back to L.A. in the morning.  But the evening definitely gave me pause to reconsider my opinion of No Limit vs. Limit that I expressed in my previous post.  This one evening—and Prudence—made up for a whole week of boring, sober, dour, quiet, No Limit play.  Maybe I could play No Limit and still get outrageous stories for my blog at the same time!  What do you think, dear readers?

One other thing to point out. Despite my intention going in,  I had paid almost zero attention to the actual poker.  I couldn’t concentrate on the game due to the entertaining distraction Prudence was providing.  Nonetheless, I managed to finish only fifty bucks down.  My inattentiveness could have cost me my stack—or more.  So I had to consider that a win.

(Want further wisdom from Prudence?  See here.)