Thursday, November 10, 2011

"I Wish Mine Were Bigger!"

This story took place a few months back, during one of the summer three-day holiday weekends. 

I arrived at BSC fairly late this particular evening due to playing in a tournament at LC2.  I had my choice of tables and choice of seats.  At one of the tables, I noticed a blonde woman with an extremely low cut top.  And that low cut top revealed plenty, because she indeed had plenty to reveal.  She was middle-aged I guess, nice face but it was hard to look up that high.  She was showing (almost) an obscene amount of cleavage.  You don’t see this kind of boobage at a poker table every day.  It was like Jennifer Tilly was there!   I’d had a rough few days both at the tables and in my personal life so I felt I deserved to be able to ogle a three-quarters exposed bosom for awhile.

So I of course I picked her table.  This was a good decision but I followed that up with a horrible one......”Cleavage gal” was sitting at seat 2, and I had a choice between seat 1, right next to her, and seat 10, on the other side of the dealer from her.  I don't know what I was thinking.  I guess I thought that being farther from her would give me a better view of that cleavage from more of a straight on perspective.  So I foolishly took a seat away from her.

You see, at the time, I didn't know that what a fun couple they were.  And by "fun couple" I am talking about this gal and her husband, not her tits.  Although her ta-ta’s were also a fun couple, to be sure.  Had I sat down next to the gal, I would have had even a better story to tell, But it was the stupidest decision I've made in the BSC poker room perhaps ever.  What the heck was I thinking???  Like I said, I didn't realize how wild and fun this couple were, so I have some excuse, just not much.  

So I settled into my seat and began giving quick glances at cleavage girl.  I soon learned that her name was Shirley and her husband was Brad.  I learned this first from seeing their names in front of the dealer, as they had players cards and were checked in.  Then I saw them introduce themselves to the guy young guys on Brad's left.  It soon became clear to me that Brad and Shirley had been chatting with these guys for some time and although they had just met at the table sometime before I had gotten there, they were becoming fast friends.  The guys were from Portland.  Between all the talk between the four of them, and all the laughter from all of them, I realized what a mistake I had made not sitting next to Shirley.  Oh, and I probably would have gotten even a better view of the cleavage too, although from a different angle. Really, what the hell was I thinking?

Actually, I was thinking of moving next to her...but it was so soon after I had sat down that it would have been a highly suspicious move.  And while debating this, the seat was taken by someone else anyway.

Early in my session, I nearly choked on my diet coke when Shirley flipped over the winning hand and announced loudly, "I have a set!" (after the other players had each revealed only two pair) A "set" in Texas Hold Em parlance is when you have a pocket pair and a third card of that pair appears on the board.  It's three of a kind, but to be a "set"—to use that slang term, two of the cards must be in your hand.  If there are two of your cards on the board and you have only one of that card in your hand, it's still three of a kind but it's called "trips", not a "set."  A lot of novice players refer to it as a set even if they have only one of the three cards in the hand....It doesn't change the value of your hand, it just shows you are not up on total Hold Em lingo if you refer to it as a "set" if you only have one of the three cards in your hand.

So you see novice players refer to just trips as a set a lot.  It's no big deal, like I said, doesn't change the value of the hand.  As it turns out, Shirley did not in fact have a set. One of her two hole cards was a Jack, and there were two jacks on the board.  She won the pot with three jacks but she didn't have a “set.” Of course, I was looking at her chest and thinking that's one of the biggest "sets" I've ever seen at a poker table, which is why I choked on my drink. the time, I thought she was just a novice and made the mistake so many Hold Em newbies make.  But as the evening wore on and I heard some of the other things she was saying, and her husband was saying, I started thinking back to this moment and thinking that it was no newbie mistake, it was a very intentional double-entendre.  It turned out that she was not at all a novice player.  She wasn't a great player, but she was an experienced player.  In fact, it turns out that Shirley and Brad are BSC regulars, they began saying hello to some of the dealers they recognized and I'm pretty sure I've seen them before.   By them I mean Brad & fact I remembered Brad more than Shirley.  That's pretty weird.  Maybe last time I saw them, I failed to notice Shirley's face!

So I started chuckling over Shirley's "set" and then I heard the two Portland guys and Brad and Shirley laughing.  I didn't hear what had been said subsequently but I think they might have made a comment like what I was thinking, about Shirley having a big set.  I was so pissed I was missing these kind of comments, if they were being made.  .

About a half hour later, I moved my seat to seat 5, across from her, next to the two Portland guys.  It was mostly to be able to hear the silly talk between Brad & Shirley and the Portland guys.   Also to get a better view.

Now closer to the interesting conversation, I can report that the four of the them, Shirley, Brad, the 2 Portland guys, were all drinking and having a great time.  There was some obviously raunchy talk going on that I couldn't quite hear, dammit.  Once or twice I heard one of them say "f***" rather softly, softly enough so that the dealer either didn't hear it or could pretend he or she didn't hear it so they never got warned.  Within minutes after Mike, one of my “buddies”, came to deal one of the Portland guys said "f***" rather loudly.  Mike warned them and they were shocked because they claimed they were saying it all nite and this was the first warning.  Mike said he was just enforcing the rules and they should have been warned by any dealer.  I said that some dealers might not have good hearing!  They acknowledged that. They wanted Mike to provide a list of words they couldn't say.  Mike said there wasn't one....but he asked if they remembered George Carlin's 7 words you can't say on TV bit and said that was a good base. He said they actually had a list that they had given the dealers years ago but he didn't have it. When the floorperson came by, Mike told him the players wanted a list of words they couldn't say.  He said made the same reference to the famous Carlin it.  Interestingly, although the floorperson was certainly old enough to know the Carlin bit, Mike is much younger than me and I was a little surprised he knew the bit.  I guess it is a classic that has lasted forever, even though many of the original words you can now say on TV (but still not the “f-word”)

For the rest of the time they were there, they kept accidentally saying “f***” and going back to the list of words they can't say with all the subsequent dealers.  One of the Portland guys wanted to know if you could say the "c-word."  Shirley seemed shocked and said she was sure you couldn't say that...then pointed out that there were actually TWO four letter c-words and wasn't sure you could say either one.  “Bitch' was discussed.  It was agreed that you could "bitch" about bad cards or say the cards were a "bitch" but you couldn't call someone a bitch.  There was just all kinds of raunchy talk going on too, a lot of it I couldn't hear, but at one point Shirley said something quite nasty about what she was going to do with (to?) Brad when they got back to their room.  It must have been nasty based on the way the Portland boys laughed but I didn't quite catch it.

Davey, an older dealer who had mentioned to me he was near retiring came to push out Mike. Mike said, "here's Davey, he's three days from retirement."  (Not sure if he was serious or just kidding).  But Davey must not have been too worried about getting in trouble because...well, you see, as Davey was waiting to finish his last hand, Shirley asked him, "Can we say the f-bomb" while you're dealing?  And Davey replied to Shirley, "You can if you do a lap dance on the table."  I was shocked because if Shirley had reported that to management Davey would really have gotten into trouble!  But she was fine with it....she laughed and just repeated, "I have to do a lap dance on the table to say the f-bomb?"  Davey then said he was just kidding and Brad said good, because nobody wanted to see him do a lapdance at the table.  

Now, some gal came to join the two Portland guys.  She pulled up a chair to sit behind them/between them.  She was a fairly attractive blonde.  I couldn't get a good look at her cuz she was blocked by one of the guys but after a few glimpses that I did get, I noticed she had even larger breasts than Shirley—no mean feat.  She was also showing cleavage, a ton of cleavage, really, and she almost made Shirley look flat chested.  

Shirley and this gal, presumably the wife or girlfriend of one of the Portland guys, got into an interesting discussion about their breasts.  I kid you not.  Unfortunately, I missed the beginning of this discussion, because I was too involved in the hand I was in the process of losing.  Some pinhead re-raised my preflop raise when he only had pocket 8's.  I had AK.  He called my flop bet when I got my Ace paired and raised me on the turn when an 8 hit!  When an Ace hit on the river, giving me three Ace's, it gave him a full house, 8's full of Aces.  He made a terrible raise, a terrible call, stayed in the hand when only had 2 outs to beat me and didn't have anywhere close to the right pot odds to call me....and hit one of the only two cards that he needed to win.  I was so freaking pissed!

Anyway, as the dealer was pushing the pot to the a-hole who just beat me, I started hearing what Shirley and the Portland girl were saying.  They were discussing their tits.  I missed the beginning of this discussion, as I said.  I don't know how it started.  But the first thing I heard was Shirley saying, "I wish mine were bigger' and then she grabbed her tits with both hands and squeezed them and pushed them up! Right there at the poker table.  Then she said, "If I was younger, I'd get them bigger."  I couldn't hear exactly what Portland Girl said in response, but she complained about something about her breasts. Shirley asked if they were "saline" and the girl said they were.  Shirley said yeah, she hears that's a problem with saline.

So what was going on was that Portland Girl had implants (not surprising considering their size....but you couldn't tell for sure with the way her cleavage showed) and was complaining about something about them to Shirley. What she was complaining about, I have no idea. Shirley knew that was a issue with the kind of implants she had gotten.  This begs the Shirley fake also?  I had been debating that all night as I was observing, and couldn't convince myself either way.  Just not quite enough information to be certain.  Now this....when I first heard it, I thought they might have been comparing implants.  And Shirley may have been indicating that she when she had gotten the boob job, she wished she had gotten bigger ones.  Or she may have just been saying that wanted her own natural bosom enhanced, she may have known about this problem with saline implants due to her researching the possibility of getting a boob job.  The joke is that Shirley wants her huge breasts bigger! Jesus, she already is overqualified to pull off the Jennifer Tilly effect, what more does she want?

At this point, Brad leaned over to one of the Portland guys and, for reasons I'm unclear on, said, "If your brother were here, I'd let him feel them"...clearly meaning Shirley's breasts.  The other Portland guy quickly said, "I'm his brother, so it's ok if I feel them."  Everyone had a good laugh about that.  But no breasts were felt at this table, other than Shirley feeling her own.  

No idea whether or not I won on this particular session, but I left the game sometime after Shirley and Brad did, having gotten both a eyeful and an earful.

(Edited to add:  A follow up to this story--another poker session with Shirley and Brad--appears here.)

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