Running Naked Out of the Convent Shouting "Do Me!"

(If you enjoy this story, be sure to read about the Return of Prudence here, here, here and here!)

You should read my previous post (here) before reading this one as a way of introduction.  You don’t have to, but it will help put this in context.

This tale took place on my last night in Vegas for the year.  About two days before New Year’s Eve.  It was the last time I played poker in 2011.

I was going to spend my last night playing No Limit, as I had most of the past week.  Bought in to the 1/2 game at BSC for $300, the maximum.  I was really going to focus on the players and learn their habits so I could try to make a nice score on my way out of town.  Since, as we have established in my previous post, there’s no distracting table talk at the No Limit game, this shouldn’t have been a problem.  I could give the game my 100% attention.

Not quite.

A few minutes after I settled in at the table I was sent to, a cute young Asian woman returned and moved from seat 5 to seat 1, right next to the dealer.  I took her old seat as I prefer sitting in the middle when possible (bad eyesight).  There was also a middle aged black guy at the table who we’ll call Horace for the sake of this story. Horace and the girl had obviously been having a conversation long before I arrived at the table.  Horace called the lady “Prudence” so that’s what I’ll call her in this post .  (Note: Just to be clear, no one called her Prudence.  I use pseudonyms in this blog and that is the most ironic name I could think of).

Anyway, it seemed that she and Horace were having quite the conversation before I got to the table, and were now continuing it.  At first I tried to pay attention to the cards and didn't catch a lot of what was now going on between them, but it soon became impossible to ignore.  

The first odd thing I heard her say was, "I'm not some timid concubine.  I know what I want and I go for it."

I have no idea what the context of that was, but from that moment on, I knew I had to start paying more attention to her.  I can't recall the last time I heard the word "concubine" used in general conversation.  It might have been during the Carter administration.

Prudence asked the lady dealer who was "pushing" her, ie, who was the next dealer at the table.  When the dealer told her it was Tom, she got excited.  "Oh, he's cute.  I like him. I could hook up with him."

OK, it was becoming clear to me that Prudence was an BSC regular.  She knew who Tom was. She was acting very comfortable at the BSC and was saying things indicating she knew a lot of the dealers by name.  It was here I think that I asked if she lived here and she told me she's from New York.  She said she was visiting Vegas to see some kind of fight that was taking place in Vegas that weekend.  I must admit this is a sport I don’t follow at all so I didn’t know anything about it.

Someone asked her what she was doing for New Year’s Eve and she said she'd be in her room (at BSC).  "I'm here for the fight, not to party."  She engaged in a lengthy conversation with Horace and another player about the upcoming fight, which was completely lost on me.  But I kept my ears open waiting for the conversation to start getting more salacious.  It didn't take long.

Tom indeed was the next dealer. Of course Tom knows me as a limit player, (almost all the dealers at BSC know me) but he'd seen me now play No Limit for a few nights (and perhaps last month too).  "So, is this your new thing now?"  I knew he meant if I was now a dedicated No Limit player instead of a limit player.  I said something like, "Well, I'm still experimenting, just trying to get a feel for things.  We'll see."  So he asked, "Well how you doing so far?"  I said  I was doing ok.  "At least I haven't lost my shirt yet."

Tom said that was a good thing, it was cold I needed my shirt.  To which Prudence responded, directly to me, "If I asked you to take off your shirt, would you?"

I was rather shocked by this—to say the least— and laughed nervously.  I think I muttered something like, "I don't think anybody would really want that" or some such.  Of course, I was really pissed that I was too flustered to come up with the perfect response in time, which of course would have been something like, "I will if you will" or "I could ask you the same question." Because I would have loved to have heard her response!  I'm sure it would have been memorable (tho definitely not mammarable).  Damn, wasted opportunity.  A hanging curve and I didn't even swing.  Oh well.

Since I didn't answer yes immediately, she said something like, "Oh, you're not easy, huh?"  Then she turned to the gentlemen in Seat 2, who was older than me and had not said one word since I got to the table.  He hadn't played any hands either.  He was pretty much sitting there like a statue!  And so she said to Seat 2, "How about you?  Will you give it up?" He didn't respond, I don't think he heard her, or had no idea she was talking to him, even though she was sitting right next to her.  So she asked him again if he would give it up.  I'm not really sure if he understand the question but he finally said yes.  Prudence said, "Oh, so you are a slut, huh?" Seat 2 just laughed and I have no idea if he really knew what he had said yes to. Meanwhile I spent the next half hour or so looking for an opportunity to revisit her suggestion that I might remove my shirt so I could turn the tables on her but could not find one, dammit.

Anyway, Prudence began turning her attentions to Tom, if she hadn't already. I'm not sure exactly how she phrased it, but she pretty much propositioned Tom right at the table.  But Tom resisted by saying he was saving himself for marriage!  It was certainly the funniest thing I'd ever heard Tom say and he said it perfectly deadpan.  Prudence responded that she had been doing the same up until now but she was ready.  "It's time to break the seal, Tom.  Don't you want to be the one to break the seal?"  Tom just repeated something about waiting for marriage.

It was probably around this time that she gave all of us a little more of her background.  She had had all her schooling in Catholic School.  And she had spent two years in a convent studying to be a Nun.  I thought she was kidding about that so I asked her if that was true, she insisted it was.  She joked--at least I think it was a joke--that she had a Habit up in her room.  Someone, it may have been me, asked her why she gave up the nunnery.  "Because I wanted to have sex. That's why most people give it up, why most people give up the Priesthood....they want to have sex. I have to have sex." I can't say for sure whether or not she followed that up with a comment about wanting to have sex with Tom that night, but I think she did. During all this Tom never cracked a smile and was acting totally uninterested in the conversation, or Prudence, for that matter.  

But at one point she won a pot, a fairly small one, and she tipped Tom three dollars, a very big tip for the pot-size.  And when she slipped Tom the three chips, she aid, "See three bucks....Do you suppose I'm trying to get you to bone me later?"  Again, Tom ignored her, other than to mechanically thank her for the tip.  BTW, I can't count all the times I heard the word "bone" used at this table as a euphemism for sex.  Prudence used it all the time (too many to remember the circumstances) and so did Horace.  

Tom was finally pushed by Mike. There was a whisper or two between Tom and Prudence as he left and I thought that maybe they had arranged something, but I had no idea what.  Anyway, Prudence continued to be outrageous during Mike's down.  In addition to the word "bone", she started to use the word "f***" a lot....both as a expletive and as a euphemism for "bone".  Now Mike is one of the most strict dealers at the BSC at enforcing the "no profanity" rule at the BSC poker room.  I've heard him warn many players...including Shirley, the gal who grabbed her tits and said, "I wish mine were bigger."  He was the one who told Shirley to use George Carlin's "7 Words You Can't say on TV" bit as a guide.  Yet, he never warned Prudence once, never seemed to react one time to Prudence's coarse language. I should have been suspicious of that, but I was not.

Instead, Prudence was going on about her Catholic school experiences, how they had tried to repress her sexuality and how that never works.  And trying that only backfires and makes the person even wilder than they otherwise would be.  She said that in high school, it would be, "One day a girl thinks kissing is disgusting and the next thing you know, she's pregnant.” Well it turns out Mike had gone to Catholic School in the Midwest, and his school wasn't like that at all.  He seemed to say that regretfully.  But he thought maybe there was a difference between Midwest Catholic Schools and New York ones.

She went on to say that when she finally made the decision to leave the convent and was able to date for the first time, she first tried a Christian Dating Service.  When someone expressed surprise at that, she said, "Well, it wasn't like I ran naked out of the convent shouting 'do me, do me!'"  But that didn't work out, she found the guys were too messed up.  I can't recall why. Maybe it was because their religious convictions inhibited them from wanting to bone her.

Well this discussion prompted a story by Horace about his experience trying to bone a Mormon gal. He said the girl wouldn't put out, but it was worse than that....she wanted a guy who wanted to bone her but who wouldn't for religious reasons.  She was unhappy that guys wouldn't admit they wanted to bone her!  Or something.  Anyway, once Horace realized he wasn't gonna bone this gal, he dumped her.

Horace also talked about attending church and not getting anywhere with the girls there.  This actually shocked Prudence (something hard to do).  She said to Horace, "Oh that's nice. You're there in church trying to figure out which girl you can slip your dick into?” 

At some point, possibly when Tom was still at the table but I'm not sure, I heard the following come out of Prudence's mouth, "I have a vagina.  I have the power."  Unfortunately, I didn't hear the context of that.  But she continued, "The one with the pussy has the power.  I mean, if a guy wants to bone you...."  Not sure what came after that, other than a general agreement by all the guys at the table.  Someone said that it was easy for a woman, she really shouldn't be having trouble getting a guy (or Tom, not sure if this was specific) to bone her.  She agreed.  She then went on to say that "Even a fat, ugly chick can get laid anytime she wants to."

But Horace questioned that to some degree....."that's true if the guy wants to bone her, but can a fat ugly chick get a guy who doesn't want to bone her to bone her?  Show me that!"

We got back to the subject of trying to repress sexual desire and she mentioned the girlfriend of hers I saw when I first joined the table.  I haven't mentioned her before. This gal sat behind Prudence to watch her play for a bit before leaving.  She wasn't much to look at from the neck up, but she was wearing a low cut top and had very large breasts.  Shocking that I noticed that, I know.  When she bent over to get into her chair I got more than an eyeful.  She was long gone but Prudence mentioned that this friend was actually a major, major porn star...full hard core specializing in BDSM!  They were friends from high school.

Then she mentioned another childhood friend.  This one was Jewish, came from an Orthodox home, and Prudence described her as a wallflower growing up.  But today she's a major internet entrepreneur. She runs a porn site that specializes in catering to the Punk Rock crowd!  All holes catered to.

At one point she mentioned seeing a sign for a Bible class or a church there in Vegas with the slogan, "We'll Love The Hell Out of You."

Eventually I asked how she got into poker.  She said she liked table games and one day just wandered into a poker room somewhere in Vegas to see what was going on.  A floor person tried to get her into a game.  She didn't know how to play and the floor person said, "We'll start you at 2/4 Limit....just play tight."  She said she had no idea what that meant.

Anyway she liked it and started playing more and more.  She described the first time at no limit that she lost a big pot.  She started crying right there at the table.  She texted her boyfriend about it.  He asked her to describe the hand, and when he got the details, he texted back, “You’re a f***ing idiot. You deserved to lose that hand."

So I said to her something like, "Well, I guess you got over it if you're still playing."  And she held up her drink and said, "Oh yes, I get addictions really fast."

She talked about poker for a bit.  I dunno whether it was this boyfriend or another one, but she was ranting about one who played poker and would lose his temper when he lost a hand.  One time he thought an opponent played his hand very badly and won the pot anyway. Every poker player can surely relate to that! He stated yelling at the guy, who she described as being somewhat overweight.  She quoted the boyfriend as saying to the guy, "How do you find your dick under all that fat?"  She didn't like that and said something like how can you get mad at someone just because the dealer put one card down instead of another?

So I asked if that incident was why she broke up with this guy.  "Well, we weren't really dating, we just slept together a few times." Horace said, "That's dating." but I said, "Oh, what about that whole 'it's time to break the seal' thing you said?"  Yeah, I really said that.  She said, "Oh what, someone lying at the poker table?  How unusual!"  

Someone asked what everyone's New Year's resolutions were.  I said, "I'm going to stop playing poker."  Everyone laughed.  Prudence said she didn't have one but I said, "No, yours is....to come out of your shell."  She laughed and agreed.  "Yes, I have to get over my shyness."

Before I got to the table she had apparently seen Horace win a pot and not tip the dealer.  And he must have told her that he never tips at the poker table.  She spent some time giving him a hard time about that.  Finally she flat out asked him why he never tips and he said, "Because when I lose a pot, no one tips me."  These seems like a total non-sequitur to me.  Prudence didn't like the answer either but didn't really argue with him but made it clear that she thought it was wrong of him and that she thought less of him because of this.  Horace admitted that he is not a good-guy....always cheats on his girlfriends, lies to them, etc.  Prudence said she was not surprised.

Somewhere along the way I asked her what she does for a living, and she said she was a pastry chef.  When I mentioned I lived in LA she said she considered moving there but isn't used to driving and therefore ruled it out.

She mentioned she got kicked out of the Aria once for using ethnic slurs.  It seems she sat at a table where everyone else was Chinese.  She said she felt intimidated.  They told her she couldn't say that, it was insensitive.  She reminded them that she was Asian herself.  But they asked her to leave anyway.  

Finally when he was presumably on a break, Tom came by and whispered something in her ear. I think he said something about getting a drink.  I heard her say something like,"Great, do you have a room upstairs?"  After about half an hour, she came back.  I didn't see Tom but she picked up her chips to take off.  She said her goodbyes to the table.  "I'll be back, I'm here all weekend."  I said, "Tell your friends" but I don't think she heard.  Then she said, "Poker's here 24/7 but cock won't wait forever."

And that was the last I saw of her. And I looked around a few times and couldn't see Tom anywhere in the room, even tho by my best guess his shift should not have been over.   I tried to get back to concentrating on the poker.  Considering the fact that I had paid almost no attention to the actual game all this time, I was holding my own.  But soon another dealer came to the table and we actually started talking about his dating life.  I mentioned that he might have been too late, that there was this girl at the table who was on the prowl and who knows….if she had seen him first, instead of Tom, maybe he would have gotten lucky instead of Tom.  But as I described the girl, the dealer suggested that she sounded an awful lot like Tom’s girlfriend.  I expressed my doubts.  Based on what I told him about her, which of course was based only on what Prudence had said at the table, I managed to convince him this wasn’t Tom’s girlfriend (his shift started after Prudence left the room).

Then Jack came to the table.  By this time the table was filled with local regulars.  I knew this from overhearing the conversations they were having and the fact that they knew all the dealers and the dealers knew them.  Jack talked to the guy next to me about the fight, obviously knowing this guy was a fan.  I didn't recognize the players but that's because until now I was always playing Limit and wouldn't be playing with these guys.  After Jack and I disussed the Lakers and the NBA (which Jack and I always discuss), I mentioned the entertaining girl from earlier and her mysterious interest in Tom.  Jack laughed and although he didn't see the girl at the table, he thought it was actually Tom's girlfriend.  When I presented the same evidence to Jack as I had to the previous dealer, Jack made a convincing argument that I had been played somewhat, he was sure this woman was Tom’s girlfriend.  What about the fact that she lives in New York?  Jack said she is considering moving to Vegas.  Someone commented that there's probably jobs for pastry chefs in Vegas!

Oh wow, had I been scammed?  Were Prudence and Tom just putting on a show to entertain us?  Oh well, apparently so.  But it doesn't really negate any of the outrageous things she said. It just puts everything that happened at the table in a totally different light.  The comments were still outrageous, still outstanding examples of “woman said” stories.  But now I had to conclude that she was not just throwing herself at a relative stranger.  She was throwing herself at her boyfriend.  Very different indeed. 

At this point, it was way past time for me to leave, I had to drive back to L.A. in the morning.  But the evening definitely gave me pause to reconsider my opinion of No Limit vs. Limit that I expressed in my previous post.  This one evening—and Prudence—made up for a whole week of boring, sober, dour, quiet, No Limit play.  Maybe I could play No Limit and still get outrageous stories for my blog at the same time!  What do you think, dear readers?

One other thing to point out. Despite my intention going in,  I had paid almost zero attention to the actual poker.  I couldn’t concentrate on the game due to the entertaining distraction Prudence was providing.  Nonetheless, I managed to finish only fifty bucks down.  My inattentiveness could have cost me my stack—or more.  So I had to consider that a win.

(Want further wisdom from Prudence?  See here.)

"I Wish Mine Were Bigger!"

This story took place a few months back, during one of the summer three-day holiday weekends. 

I arrived at BSC fairly late this particular evening due to playing in a tournament at LC2.  I had my choice of tables and choice of seats.  At one of the tables, I noticed a blonde woman with an extremely low cut top.  And that low cut top revealed plenty, because she indeed had plenty to reveal.  She was middle-aged I guess, nice face but it was hard to look up that high.  She was showing (almost) an obscene amount of cleavage.  You don’t see this kind of boobage at a poker table every day.  It was like Jennifer Tilly was there!   I’d had a rough few days both at the tables and in my personal life so I felt I deserved to be able to ogle a three-quarters exposed bosom for awhile.

So I of course I picked her table.  This was a good decision but I followed that up with a horrible one......”Cleavage gal” was sitting at seat 2, and I had a choice between seat 1, right next to her, and seat 10, on the other side of the dealer from her.  I don't know what I was thinking.  I guess I thought that being farther from her would give me a better view of that cleavage from more of a straight on perspective.  So I foolishly took a seat away from her.

You see, at the time, I didn't know that what a fun couple they were.  And by "fun couple" I am talking about this gal and her husband, not her tits.  Although her ta-ta’s were also a fun couple, to be sure.  Had I sat down next to the gal, I would have had even a better story to tell, But it was the stupidest decision I've made in the BSC poker room perhaps ever.  What the heck was I thinking???  Like I said, I didn't realize how wild and fun this couple were, so I have some excuse, just not much.  

So I settled into my seat and began giving quick glances at cleavage girl.  I soon learned that her name was Shirley and her husband was Brad.  I learned this first from seeing their names in front of the dealer, as they had players cards and were checked in.  Then I saw them introduce themselves to the guy young guys on Brad's left.  It soon became clear to me that Brad and Shirley had been chatting with these guys for some time and although they had just met at the table sometime before I had gotten there, they were becoming fast friends.  The guys were from Portland.  Between all the talk between the four of them, and all the laughter from all of them, I realized what a mistake I had made not sitting next to Shirley.  Oh, and I probably would have gotten even a better view of the cleavage too, although from a different angle. Really, what the hell was I thinking?

Actually, I was thinking of moving next to her...but it was so soon after I had sat down that it would have been a highly suspicious move.  And while debating this, the seat was taken by someone else anyway.

Early in my session, I nearly choked on my diet coke when Shirley flipped over the winning hand and announced loudly, "I have a set!" (after the other players had each revealed only two pair) A "set" in Texas Hold Em parlance is when you have a pocket pair and a third card of that pair appears on the board.  It's three of a kind, but to be a "set"—to use that slang term, two of the cards must be in your hand.  If there are two of your cards on the board and you have only one of that card in your hand, it's still three of a kind but it's called "trips", not a "set."  A lot of novice players refer to it as a set even if they have only one of the three cards in the hand....It doesn't change the value of your hand, it just shows you are not up on total Hold Em lingo if you refer to it as a "set" if you only have one of the three cards in your hand.

So you see novice players refer to just trips as a set a lot.  It's no big deal, like I said, doesn't change the value of the hand.  As it turns out, Shirley did not in fact have a set. One of her two hole cards was a Jack, and there were two jacks on the board.  She won the pot with three jacks but she didn't have a “set.” Of course, I was looking at her chest and thinking that's one of the biggest "sets" I've ever seen at a poker table, which is why I choked on my drink.  Now....at the time, I thought she was just a novice and made the mistake so many Hold Em newbies make.  But as the evening wore on and I heard some of the other things she was saying, and her husband was saying, I started thinking back to this moment and thinking that it was no newbie mistake, it was a very intentional double-entendre.  It turned out that she was not at all a novice player.  She wasn't a great player, but she was an experienced player.  In fact, it turns out that Shirley and Brad are BSC regulars, they began saying hello to some of the dealers they recognized and I'm pretty sure I've seen them before.   By them I mean Brad & Shirley.....in fact I remembered Brad more than Shirley.  That's pretty weird.  Maybe last time I saw them, I failed to notice Shirley's face!

So I started chuckling over Shirley's "set" and then I heard the two Portland guys and Brad and Shirley laughing.  I didn't hear what had been said subsequently but I think they might have made a comment like what I was thinking, about Shirley having a big set.  I was so pissed I was missing these kind of comments, if they were being made.  .

About a half hour later, I moved my seat to seat 5, across from her, next to the two Portland guys.  It was mostly to be able to hear the silly talk between Brad & Shirley and the Portland guys.   Also to get a better view.

Now closer to the interesting conversation, I can report that the four of the them, Shirley, Brad, the 2 Portland guys, were all drinking and having a great time.  There was some obviously raunchy talk going on that I couldn't quite hear, dammit.  Once or twice I heard one of them say "f***" rather softly, softly enough so that the dealer either didn't hear it or could pretend he or she didn't hear it so they never got warned.  Within minutes after Mike, one of my “buddies”, came to deal one of the Portland guys said "f***" rather loudly.  Mike warned them and they were shocked because they claimed they were saying it all nite and this was the first warning.  Mike said he was just enforcing the rules and they should have been warned by any dealer.  I said that some dealers might not have good hearing!  They acknowledged that. They wanted Mike to provide a list of words they couldn't say.  Mike said there wasn't one....but he asked if they remembered George Carlin's 7 words you can't say on TV bit and said that was a good base. He said they actually had a list that they had given the dealers years ago but he didn't have it. When the floorperson came by, Mike told him the players wanted a list of words they couldn't say.  He said made the same reference to the famous Carlin it.  Interestingly, although the floorperson was certainly old enough to know the Carlin bit, Mike is much younger than me and I was a little surprised he knew the bit.  I guess it is a classic that has lasted forever, even though many of the original words you can now say on TV (but still not the “f-word”)

For the rest of the time they were there, they kept accidentally saying “f***” and going back to the list of words they can't say with all the subsequent dealers.  One of the Portland guys wanted to know if you could say the "c-word."  Shirley seemed shocked and said she was sure you couldn't say that...then pointed out that there were actually TWO four letter c-words and wasn't sure you could say either one.  “Bitch' was discussed.  It was agreed that you could "bitch" about bad cards or say the cards were a "bitch" but you couldn't call someone a bitch.  There was just all kinds of raunchy talk going on too, a lot of it I couldn't hear, but at one point Shirley said something quite nasty about what she was going to do with (to?) Brad when they got back to their room.  It must have been nasty based on the way the Portland boys laughed but I didn't quite catch it.

Davey, an older dealer who had mentioned to me he was near retiring came to push out Mike. Mike said, "here's Davey, he's three days from retirement."  (Not sure if he was serious or just kidding).  But Davey must not have been too worried about getting in trouble because...well, you see, as Davey was waiting to finish his last hand, Shirley asked him, "Can we say the f-bomb" while you're dealing?  And Davey replied to Shirley, "You can if you do a lap dance on the table."  I was shocked because if Shirley had reported that to management Davey would really have gotten into trouble!  But she was fine with it....she laughed and just repeated, "I have to do a lap dance on the table to say the f-bomb?"  Davey then said he was just kidding and Brad said good, because nobody wanted to see him do a lapdance at the table.  

Now, some gal came to join the two Portland guys.  She pulled up a chair to sit behind them/between them.  She was a fairly attractive blonde.  I couldn't get a good look at her cuz she was blocked by one of the guys but after a few glimpses that I did get, I noticed she had even larger breasts than Shirley—no mean feat.  She was also showing cleavage, a ton of cleavage, really, and she almost made Shirley look flat chested.  

Shirley and this gal, presumably the wife or girlfriend of one of the Portland guys, got into an interesting discussion about their breasts.  I kid you not.  Unfortunately, I missed the beginning of this discussion, because I was too involved in the hand I was in the process of losing.  Some pinhead re-raised my preflop raise when he only had pocket 8's.  I had AK.  He called my flop bet when I got my Ace paired and raised me on the turn when an 8 hit!  When an Ace hit on the river, giving me three Ace's, it gave him a full house, 8's full of Aces.  He made a terrible raise, a terrible call, stayed in the hand when only had 2 outs to beat me and didn't have anywhere close to the right pot odds to call me....and hit one of the only two cards that he needed to win.  I was so freaking pissed!

Anyway, as the dealer was pushing the pot to the a-hole who just beat me, I started hearing what Shirley and the Portland girl were saying.  They were discussing their tits.  I missed the beginning of this discussion, as I said.  I don't know how it started.  But the first thing I heard was Shirley saying, "I wish mine were bigger' and then she grabbed her tits with both hands and squeezed them and pushed them up! Right there at the poker table.  Then she said, "If I was younger, I'd get them bigger."  I couldn't hear exactly what Portland Girl said in response, but she complained about something about her breasts. Shirley asked if they were "saline" and the girl said they were.  Shirley said yeah, she hears that's a problem with saline.

So what was going on was that Portland Girl had implants (not surprising considering their size....but you couldn't tell for sure with the way her cleavage showed) and was complaining about something about them to Shirley. What she was complaining about, I have no idea. Shirley knew that was a issue with the kind of implants she had gotten.  This begs the question.....is Shirley fake also?  I had been debating that all night as I was observing, and couldn't convince myself either way.  Just not quite enough information to be certain.  Now this....when I first heard it, I thought they might have been comparing implants.  And Shirley may have been indicating that she when she had gotten the boob job, she wished she had gotten bigger ones.  Or she may have just been saying that wanted her own natural bosom enhanced, she may have known about this problem with saline implants due to her researching the possibility of getting a boob job.  The joke is that Shirley wants her huge breasts bigger! Jesus, she already is overqualified to pull off the Jennifer Tilly effect, what more does she want?

At this point, Brad leaned over to one of the Portland guys and, for reasons I'm unclear on, said, "If your brother were here, I'd let him feel them"...clearly meaning Shirley's breasts.  The other Portland guy quickly said, "I'm his brother, so it's ok if I feel them."  Everyone had a good laugh about that.  But no breasts were felt at this table, other than Shirley feeling her own.  

No idea whether or not I won on this particular session, but I left the game sometime after Shirley and Brad did, having gotten both a eyeful and an earful.

(Edited to add:  A follow up to this story--another poker session with Shirley and Brad--appears here.)