A Wynning New Poker Room

One of the top items on my “to-do” list for my most recent Vegas trip was to visit the new Wynn poker room.  I actually discussed it in my most recent Ante Up column, recently published (and located here).  My plan was to get my review for the blog up before the column came out, but somehow that didn’t quite work out.

For those of you who didn’t read my column, or for those with very bad memories, in May the Wynn moved its poker room.  In fact, they completely moved it out of the Wynn.  It’s now in the Encore, the Wynn’s attached, sister property.  But they are still calling it the Wynn poker room.   It’s basically the Wynn Poker Room at Encore.  Sort of like The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim.

It opened when I was still in L.A., so I didn’t attend the big grand opening gala they had. I understand Steve Wynn himself was there.  But my buddy Norm in Vegas was there and he sent me a pic from the first night, which I’ve already included in the post here. And I’m reposting it at the bottom of this post.

All I’d heard was how nice the new room was, so I was very eager to see it for myself.

It did not disappoint.  I can honestly tell you that I personally have never seen a nicer, more beautiful poker room in my life.   Seriously, it is freaking gorgeous.  In my t-shirt and jeans, I felt seriously underdressed.  It was so stunning, I felt like I should have been wearing a suit and tie to enter—if not a tuxedo. I think I would have gone back to the room and changed, but fortunately there were plenty of players there dressed a lot worse than me.  Ladies might feel like they should be wearing their best ball gowns to play.

The 28 tables are all comfortably spread out.  If you know the old room, you know that, though it was very nice, the tables were a little bit too crammed together in certain spots.  Not in the new room.  Plenty of room to walk between the tables.  The adjustable chairs are very comfortable too.

There’s a nice podium as you enter and a separate cashier cage in the back.  Sports betting degens will appreciate the fact that the room has its very own sports betting window.  And there’s approximately 346 TV’s around the room to watch games on. 

The poker room has its very own dedicated rest rooms.  I have to say, the Men’s Room was really something.  It was nicer than a few local poker rooms I’ve been in.  It was roomy enough to put a poker table in there and play in.  I didn’t see the Ladies Room (they wouldn’t let me in), but I have to assume it is even nicer.

There’s also a separate high-limit area, with its own entrance (but totally visible to the rest of the room) and dedicated floor person.

That came into play early during my visit.  After a brief wait, I was sent to a table. One of the other players at my game took a break, and when he came back, he asked everyone in general, “Does anyone here follow the NBA?”

Ahem.

I told him I do.

“Do you know the name of the point guard for the Oklahoma City Thunder?”

I immediately responded, “Russell Westbrook?” 

He replied, “Yeah, that’s it.  I couldn’t think of his name.  Anyway, he’s in the high limit room playing 100/200 PLO.”

Oh really?  Apparently this guy’s buddy was playing in the room at an adjoining table (not nearly as big a game) and he went to see how he was doing and the buddy pointed out Westbrook to him.

Cool.  Westbrook, by the way, played his college ball at UCLA, my alma matter. 

I had to see for myself, so I took a break and wandered over there.  I didn’t go into the room, but I didn’t have to.  I could see him from a distance.  It was definitely Westbrook.  Unfortunately, all I really saw was his head.  Westbrook is famous for his rather unique fashion sense, and I later wondered if he was wearing something unique.

Now this took place just a few days after the NBA league office chose Cleveland as this year’s NBA champions (see here).  So basketball was fresh on my mind, and I also recalled that on their way back to Cleveland from Oakland the night they stole won the trophy, the Cavs stopped in Vegas and partied all night at one of the nightclubs at the Wynn.

I was trying to imagine what the hell a 100/200 PLO game could be like.  Man, I can’t even imagine the amount of money that must have been on that table (I didn’t get close enough to see).  My thought was, unless you are one of the best poker players in the world, you probably needed a max NBA contract to be able to play in it. 

Now, I was a bit apprehensive about actually playing at the Wynn.  My track record there is not very good.  Prior to this session, I had never had a winning session playing NLH there.  And because the game is 1/3,not 1/2, I buy in for $300, not $200 (with a backup $300 in my pocket).  The only time I ever won at Wynn was a long, long time ago, long before I kept records.  It was very early in my poker playing days, when I was still playing 2/4 limit.  Of course, I couldn’t play 2/4 there but back in those days (it may have been close to 10 years ago), they did always spread 4/8.  So I played 4/8, probably for the first time.  I just wanted to play at the Wynn at least once.  As it happened, I ran pretty good.  Only thing I really remember is that I had pocket Aces once and was too chicken to raise with them. Somehow I won with them (unimproved, I think, but am not sure).  The guy who paid me off complimented me for my brilliant strategy of slow-playing them.  I don’t recall how much, but I know I left with a profit that night.

With my more recent history at the room, I didn’t mind one bit that the table I was at was very nitty.  No aggros, very unlike any other time I’d ever played there.  It never cost more than $15 to see a flop; it can often cost $25-$30 to play.  I was pretty card dead, and was quite content to just sit down, enjoy the luxuriousness of the room, and wait for the occasional hand to play.

In the small blind I had 9-8 off.  I completed and the big blind made it $13.  There was a call so I called as well.  The flop was Queen-7-6, two clubs.  I checked/called $25 and it was heads up.  The turn was a lovely 5.  I bet $50 and the other player tanked and folded.

I called $10 in late position with Ace-Queen off, it was three-way.  The flop was Ace-Queen-4.  It checked to me, I bet $15, no call.

Ace-Queen again, one limper, I made it $15, one call.  The flop was Jack-high and a $20 c-bet took it.

I called $10 with pocket 3’s, and three of us saw a flop that had a 3 on it, and two clubs.  The raiser bet $20 and I decided to take a bit of a chance and just call, as did the third player. A third club hit the turn and I was not happy.  But this time it checked to me, so I put out $50 and didn’t get a call.

Note that I had two hands there where I called a raise to $10.  That’s a real small raise for the Wynn, and for a 1/3 game.   Nitty as I am, I’m going to open to $12 in 1/3.  And my experience at the Wynn, a $20-$25 opening raise is not unusual.

The set of 3’s was the last hand I made note of.  I had a small profit and felt I’d played long enough. So I decided to call it a night and break my long losing streak at the Wynn.  New room, new results.  Yeah, the $20 I was up wasn’t much, but it was my best result at this venue in years.  I was ok with that.

As it happens, a couple of my buddies from MGM had recently left there and word had gotten to me that they were both working at the Wynn.  I hadn’t seen either one of them that night.  But this was during the Wynn Classic, and that event was taking place in the old Wynn poker room, back at the Wynn.  So I took a walk over there to see if by chance either one of them was working there.

Walking through the promenade that connects the Encore and the Wynn, I noticed an attractive black woman coming in my direction.  She was wearing an open shirt—literally, an open shirt.  I think it was like a men’s shirt, not sure, but it was totally unbuttoned all the way down.  It exposed either a bra or a bikini top.  She had shorts on the bottom.  I was just starting to get a better look at her when I saw her give me a big smile and she said to me, “Hey baby.”

OK, I think I just figured out why she was there.  Pretty sure that was my first hooker sighting at the Wynn.  It was an odd outfit for a working girl, but I suppose she might have been working the pool. I think they have a beach nightclub there.  I just kept moving.

I didn’t see my friends in the old poker room, and walked back to the Encore.  Once there, I was passing by a high rollers type casino area (where the lady dealers dress in like cocktail dresses) and I noticed someone who looked familiar sitting there, on a couch I believe, talking on his cell phone.  Holy cow.  It was Steve Wynn himself.  Imagine that, Steve Wynn sitting in his own casino.  There was a big guy standing near him, and I think it may have been Wynn’s assistant or even a body guard.  He noticed me looking at Mr. Wynn and gave me one of those looks, as if to say, “Yeah, it’s Steve Wynn….don’t you dare come over to him.”  I beat a hasty retreat.

The Wynn has a bunch of nightclubs and at least one of them was open on this Wednesday night.  I of course had to go over there to see if there was a Slut Parade worth reporting on.  I only did that for you, my dear readers.  Well, there was a bit of a line, but it was a real slow night and I have nothing titillating to report.

So that’s my first experience with the gorgeous new Wynn poker room at the Encore.  It is really a must see-room, I certainly recommend you all check it out, even if you don't play there. Now, here’s a tease:  I returned to the Wynn before leaving town, and will have another post about that session somewhere down the road.  And it will be a fun post to write.

Attention Fans of Fantasy Sports

This is an absolutely 100% free plug.  A couple of my buddies---Josh & "Fantasy Moses"-- do great Fantasy Sports Podcasts.  Who are these guys?  Well, let's just say if you guessed that they have appeared here on the blog under blog pseudonyms, you'd probably be correct.

These guys are real experts and if you're into fantasy sports, you should listen to every episode. They offer freerolls too.  Check them out.  The basketball site is here and the football site is here.  They are also on twitter (here).

Why am I mentioning them now?  Well, in their latest basketball podcast, they happen to mention yours truly.  You see they offer more than just expert fantasy advice.  They offer a lot of fun facts, dating advice, humor and inside celebrity info.  And in the prior episode, they offered a question to their listeners that I happened to know the answer to.

You see, they were befuddled by the picture that Jeanie Buss, one of the owners of the Los Angeles Lakers, uses on her Twitter account.  That picture is the one below.

 Of course, I knew the answer to where that pic came from, because I am an absolute expert on two specific subjects: The Lakers...and breasts.

Here's a link to the podcast that supplies the answer.  My "appearance" starts at around 7:20 in.  The previous podcast is the one where they posed the question, you can check that out as well.

I would recommend this guys even if they didn't mention me.  But it helps.  Enjoy.

The Vulva Tea of Mercy is Not Strained

This post will, among other things, explain why the post here was called "The Big Teaze" and not "The Big Tease." 

Who out there is familiar with “Boba Tea”? Let me see a show of hands.  OK, probably most of you.  As usual, I was late to the party.

It seems my pal Abe almost always arrives to the BSC poker room with to-go cup of boba tea.  When I asked once what he was drinking, he told me “boba tea.” So, I asked him what the hell that was and he answered.  I still wasn’t sure.  I figured out it was some kind of tea drink that has been imported here from Asia .  So it appeared to tie into Abe’s preference in the fairer sex.  As I revealed in the post here, Abe has the Yellow Fever. 

Abe would stop in Chinatown on his way in and pick up a boba tea.  And for awhile, he had been trying to get me to join him in his favorite Asian Tea House for a boba.  I resisted because I don’t really like tea. I will drink hot tea only if absolutely necessary when I have a cold and a sore throat.  I will drink Iced Tea only when no other more suitable beverage is available.  In either case, I will put enough sweetener in it to pretty much obliterate the taste of the tea.

But Abe discovered a tea house that he felt might have something that would override my objection to tea: Girls serving said tea in their underwear.

Ok, technically, Café Teaze advertises that their servers (all of whom are Asian) wear lingerie.

Hmm.

It was pretty obvious that a place like this indeed cried out for closer inspection by yours truly.

That almost happened the first night I was back in Vegas, in late August.  I was playing poker with Prudence and Abe joined us.  As the evening wore down, Abe was telling us more about his favorite Boba Tea place.  We agreed we would all hit it together before I left town. In fact, as we finished up with the poker, Abe suggested we all go there right then, but I declined.  I was just too tired from lack of sleep, the long drive, unpacking, a rough poker session, etc. Abe and Prudence went without me, and Prudence sent me the following picture she took of their server, with this note: “You are really missing out.”

Ok, I was sold.  A week or so later, the three of us all met at Café Teaze, right when they opened, at 6PM.  Prudence and I got there first.  A really nice looking Vietnamese gal came over to us to give us menus.  She was wearing a bra and panties.  Or so I thought.  It was definitely not a bikini, this was definitely underwear, and pretty skimpy underwear at that. She went over the menu, and asked if we’d been there before.  Prudence said yes, but I of course said no, and told her that I had never had boba tea before.  My actual plan was to see if they had some non-tea drink, like diet coke, or even water.  But it was pretty hard to say no to a hot gal in her underwear. There was something on the menu called “chocolate milk boba tea.”  I decided that it sounded like something I could probably handle.  After all, when in Rome…..

Now, aside from tea, and the nice scenery, this place is offering, well, an “experience,” for lack of a better word.  So when the girl came over, she told us her name was Crystal and sat down at our table (I believe we were the first customers of the day) and chatted with us, very friendly.  When she got up to place our order, I realized she wasn’t really wearing panties.  She was wearing a thong.  It revealed approximately 100% of her buttocks.  It was a damn pleasant sight.  Prudence totally cracked up at my reaction to seeing her bare backside.  Too bad she didn’t take a picture of me, I’m sure my expression was pretty good.

I commented to Prudence, when I realized the gal had planted her totally bare butt on the chair next to her, “That’s unsanitary, isn’t it?”  She agreed, and laughed.

Now there was another girl behind the “bar” who was apparently the bartender or the barista or whatever you’d call her.  She was also only wearing a bra and because of the bar, I couldn’t see what she had on the bottom.  I complained to Prudence, “Isn’t she gonna come out….I want more than one girl.”  She laughed.  It wasn’t till we were nearly ready to go that I saw her come out from behind the bar.  She was wearing a slightly less revealing thong than Crystal.  It did cover a little bit of her ass.  I thought I saw a third girl when we first got in, but I never saw her from the neck down and I never saw her again.  It’s possible I was hallucinating hot Asian gals.

Note:  Due to the, um, hiring practices of the management of this tea house, the view from the waist down was better than from the waist to the neck.

When Abe joined us, I was surprised that they didn’t know his order cold. My first words to him were, “Gee, I can’t imagine why you like it here so much.”  I asked him if he actually lived there.  I mean, why would he ever leave?

He ordered something from Crystal.  As I said, the girls are more than just servers, so every time she came to take our order or check on us, she actually sat down and joined us for quite a long time.  Prudence, ever the student of life, asked her if she had run into a lot of creepy guys working there.

She said yes, and then told us a long story about a guy who didn’t sound very creepy at all, but who didn’t leave her a tip.  Subtle.

Another time, she came over, sat down, and said, “You want to hear something crazy?  Friday night is ‘Pasty night.’  And we’re opening at 4.”  Abe had already informed me of a previous “pasty night.”  It’s just what it sounds like.  Instead of bras, the girls wear nothing but pasties on top.

“Damn,” I said.  I won’t be here.  I guess I’ll just have to win enough money tonite to be able to afford to stay through the week.”  I didn’t.

Abe and Prudence were comparing Crystal to the woman who served them a week earlier, the blonde above.  I commented that I don’t really like blonde hair on Asian women.  “It’s too unnatural looking,” I said.  Prudence responded….”Oh, you so traditional.  You’re probably into bush porn.”  I just laughed.

We had a good time, catching up on our recent activities (when we weren’t being interrupted by our mostly naked server).  I found this picture of Crystal on their Facebook page.

And here’s a shot that Prudence took of a different waitress on a different night she went there.

The only problem:  Not a fan of the boba tea.  My drink would have been fine if it didn’t have that bitter tea taste.  And the boba didn’t add anything to it, as far as I was concerned.

We only went there for the drinks.  They have a limited food menu so we decided to eat at BSC before playing some poker.

On the way over there, I called my friend LM.  She and her husband Woody are big boosters of my blog, and I wanted to tell her that I had been served boba tea by a nearly naked Vietnamese girl.  It would be easier to leave her a voice message than to text her when I got to the casino.  So hours later, I got texts from LM and Woody.  It seems that when LM related my message to Woody about being served boba tea by a girl in her underwear, he somehow heard “boba” as “vulva.”  Perhaps it was wishful thinking on his part.  But when I saw his text about my having “vulva tea,” I knew that, forevermore, I would be referring to boba tea as “vulva tea.”  Perhaps you can all do that and we can start an actual trend.  It could become bigger than “the dreaded pocket Kings.”

The poker wasn’t much to talk about.  At first, I was sent to a separate table on my own while Prudence and Abe were at the same table.  I managed to win about $100 there while waiting for my table change to come through.  Nothing dramatic, won a small pot flopping a flush, won a few pots with c-bets, won a pot with top pair.  And didn’t take any big hits in the process.

By the time I got called to the other table, the Slut Parade was in full gear, and this table was right in front.  Prudence and Abe, on either side of the dealer, had the two best seats in the house to enjoy the parade.  I had a less preferred seat on Prudence’s immediate left.  This may have been Prudence’s first real exposure to the Slut Parade.  This was the Sunday of Labor Day Weekend, and I have to say, that particular weekend turned out to be an especially good weekend for SP viewing.  Especially if one happens to enjoy looking at liberally exposed bosoms.  Let’s see, do we know anyone like that?

There were also plenty of ladies representing Abe’s preferred “genre.”  For some reason, Abe started asking Prudence for her opinion of the ladies he was noticing. As in, “What about the girl in the red dress?”  We both found it odd that Abe needed a woman’s opinion.  Finally, Prudence said to him, “Come on, what do you need my opinion for?  Your penis knows what it likes.” 

As vividly as I have tried to describe the ladies going to the club, they still seem to shock first-time viewers.  As a worldly woman, you would think Prudence would be unshockable, but no, she found herself oft-times amazed at the clothes—or lack thereof—the club goers were wearing. And keep in mind, this was after we’d just had a girl in a bra and a thong serve us vulva tea.  At one point, she said, “Why do they even bother wearing any clothes at all?” I was no doubt distracted by whoever happened to have elicited that comment from her.  But when I recovered, I said to her, “If they allowed it, what percentage of the girls would just show up stark naked?”  She said, “More than you think, you’d be surprised.”  Damn decency laws.

I also made a comment about the cost of those “dresses” the girls were wearing.  “They can’t cost very much, right?  I mean, there’s so little material.”  She said, “No, those are like $700 dresses.”  For about three square inches of material?  Somebody’s making boatloads of money.

Once I got to that table, between the parade and the conversation with Prudence and Abe, I wasn’t concentrating too much on the poker.  I managed to keep all the money I came to the table with, and I considered that a win.

I guess I should explain the title of this post.  You already know where the “vulva” came from (so-to-speak).  The actual title is a play off of a “feghoot.”  A feghoot is basically a shaggy dog story with a bad pun as its punch line (see here for a longer explanation).  Back in the day, I heard and/or read a ton of these.  I’ve mercifully forgotten most of them, but a few of the punch lines have stuck in my mind all these years.  The punch line I remember the most, for some reason, is, “The Koala Tea of Mercy is Not Strained.”  I’ve ruined the joke for you (as if that was even possible) but you can find a version of it here.  So pretty much as soon as I realized I would be doing a post about tea, the title was sealed in my mind. It was originally going to be “boba tea” in the title, but it was easy to replace “boba” with “vulva.”

And if you think about, and have a dirty mind, you will see that “vulva” tea not being strained works out really, really well.  Especially if, ahem, you’re into bush porn.

I’m going to leave you with some pics Café Teaze’s FB page, I hope it’s ok that I use them.  Enjoy.

Little Known Facts About Jack Bauer

This is off topic, but the show "24" returns to television tomorrow night after a four year absence.

24 is the greatest television show ever, and if you don't agree, well, we have nothing further to discuss.

To celebrate the event, here's a list of "facts" about Jack Bauer that was posted on some blog back in 2006, so some of it may be a bit outdated (like the Lost reference).  No doubt this list has been going around the internet forever.

Enjoy!

1) If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.

2) If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.

3) Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.

4) Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.

5) Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.

6) Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk.

7) Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.

8) Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.

9) 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.

10) Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.

11) Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.

12) Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.

13) When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.

14) If Jack says "I just want to talk to him/her" and that him/her is you… well amigo, you're fucked.

15) Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.

16) When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer fucking hates lemonade.

17) In grade school, a little boy punched Kimberly Bauer, and Kimberly ran home to tell her dad. That little boy's name? Stephen Hawking.

18) Jack Bauer does not sleep. The only rest he needs is what he gets when he's knocked out or temporarily killed.

19) No man has ever used the phrase, "Jack Bauer is a pussy" in a sentence and lived to tell.

20) In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.

21) Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it.

22) As a child, Jack Bauer's first words were "There's no time!"

23) Jack Bauer's family threw him a surprise birthday party when he was a child. Once.

24) If you are still conscious, it is because Jack Bauer doesn't want to carry you.

25) If you get 7 stars on your wanted level on Grand Theft Auto, Jack Bauer comes after you. You don't want to get 7 stars.

26) Guns dont kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.

27) Everytime Jack Bauer yells "NOW!" at the end of a sentence, a terrorist dies.

28) Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour. And he's done it twice.

29) If you send someone to kill Jack Bauer, the only thing you accomplish is supplying him a fresh set of weapons to kill you with.

30) Jack Bauer could get off the Lost island in 24 hours.

 

The Poker Room Manager at the Tropagala Reacts

Here's something different.  

My pal Woody, my good friend and avid blog-reader, just made a video for me.

Woody was mentioned in my last post (here)...so here's another gift he gave me.

I want to be clear, I had nothing to do with this video, nothing at all.  

Except for the fact that I'm posting it on my blog, I guess.

But I think it is hilarious and wanted to share it with my readers.  (Of course, it's all about me and the blog, so how could I not love it?).

I hope you enjoy it as well.

Jewish Poker Championships at the Palms

What do Jews do on Christmas Day?

Eat Chinese Food. 

That’s an old joke.  You see, the only eateries open on Christmas Day (outside of Vegas, that is) are Chinese Restaurants.  Even Jewish Delis usually close for Christmas.

This year, maybe some Jews will be playing poker at the Palms, competing for the title of “Best Jewish Poker Player.”  Check out the website PlayJewishPoker For the second straight year, these folks are sponsoring the Jewish Poker Championships over Christmas in Vegas.  It will be held on Dec 24-25.

I did plug last year’s event (held at the Venetian) in my Ante Up column.  I wanted to do that again, but unfortunately by the time they announced the venue, it was too late to get it mentioned in the magazine before the event actually occurs.  So I’m mentioning here on the blog.

As I said, this year it will be held at the Palms.  I find that slightly amusing, because the actual name of the Palms poker room is the Cantor Palms Poker Room.   “Cantor” comes from the fact that Cantor Gaming owns the poker room, and not because there’s an actual Cantor associated with the casino.  However….last year, when I dropped in on the event at the Venetian, Moses was there.  So perhaps they will have an actual Cantor there this year.  I just hope they don’t have a Mohel.

Last year’s event drew 18 people and they are hoping to triple that (at least) this year.  They’ve reduced the buy in from $1080 to $550 to entice more players to show up. 

I’ll probably drop in, and perhaps this time I can write something about the event afterwards.  I won’t be playing in it, however, I’m too much of a schnorrer for that.

The event is open to everyone—you don’t have to be Jewish to play.  Anyone who likes poker and doesn’t do the traditional family Christmas thing should consider playing.  What could it hurt?

There’s a nice article about the tournament and the promoters here. And you can follow the very activeTwitter feed of the promoters here.

Now, below is a picture of model Bar Refaeli.   To the best of my knowledge, Ms. Refaeli will not to be attending this event, and is not a poker player.  But she is Jewish, and since, as you can see, she’s friggin’ gorgeous, I’d rather include a picture of her than some male Jewish poker player.

So sue me.

“Must Kill TV”—A Book Review

Once again I am breaking format, once again I’m doing a book review.

And once again that book is written by Ken Levine.

Levine writes good.

No, I mean he writes well.  He writes good books.  He writes funny books.

Very funny books. 

Levine, the writer/producer/creator/show-runner of great TV Shows, (Cheers, M*A*S*H, Frasier, et al), the baseball announcer, the blogger (he’s either a renaissance man or he can’t keep a job) has written his first novel.  I liked his previous book (see here) so much, I had to buy the new one, just off the presses, especially since the Kindle edition is only $2.99 (a bargain at half the price).

Levine’s novel is a comic thriller.  It is a vicious, very funny satire on the TV biz.  It’s a behind the scenes look at what it’s like to be the President of a struggling TV network.

Charles Muncie is head of ABN, which has declining ratings.  When Stevie Gersh, the star of his one remaining hit threatens to quit his show, Muncie tells him he’ll do anything to get him to re-up for another season.  Muncie knows his own job—and his prestige, his reputation, his identity and of course, his lifestyle—are on the line.  He thinks he means it when he tells Stevie he’ll do anything, until the star comes back and tells him all he has to do get him for another year his commit one little murder.  He wants his ex-girlfriend dead, merely because she turned down his marriage proposal.

Yeah, that’s all—one little murder.  Muncie is presented initially as a decent guy.  He is devoted (and faithful) to his wife (his college sweetheart) and is a loving father to his daughter.  So of course, there’s no way that Muncie would even consider such a heinous request, right?

Well….

There are many twists and turns in the story, and along the way, the TV industry is completely lampooned.  There are fictional characters that are based quite clearly on real people you can identify.  For example, Stevie Gersh appears to be based (loosely, I hope) on Jerry Seinfeld.  I am hoping that Seinfeld isn’t nearly as big an asshole as Stevie Gersh is.  I assume Seinfeld wouldn’t ask to have someone killed.

On the other hand, maybe Seinfeld would have done five more years of his show if the network had just whacked someone for him?

Another minor character is named Tara Durban, a totally obnoxious TV star/writer that is obviously based on Lena Dunham of (HBO’s Girls).  Here, I have every reason to believe the real life version is more offensive than Levine’s caricature.  She provides some hilarious comedy relief.

There’s also plenty of real life Hollywood types mentioned by their real names.  For example, there’s a great running gag about Katherine Heigl.  Another running gag revolves around the fact that Muncie’s all time favorite TV show as (apparently) Alf.  An aside:  I recognized the names of two cops as two of Levine’s writing cohorts from his days on Cheers.  Oh, and there’s a scene that takes place in the real bar in Boston that was the model for Cheers.  

 

Because it takes place in Hollywood, every single person that Muncie meets is pitching an idea for a TV series.  Even hard-core criminals are looking for a development deal.

As the plot races forward at a break-neck pace, there’s jokes in almost every paragraph.  Some of these jokes service the plot, many are just highly amusing throw away gags. 

I found myself laughing out loud a lot.  It was a bit embarrassing when I was reading it on my celphone in the doctor’s waiting room and everyone kept staring at me.  Fortunately I was at home reading it when I came to one incredible plot twist that had me laughing for about three minutes non-stop.

Muncie is a fascinating protagonist, and I found him surprisingly sympathetic.  The rest of the characters are less developed but service the plot well—and are likely based on people Levine’s worked with.

As a service to my blog readers, I will “warn” you that there’s a fair amount of raunchy sex (hey, it’s Hollywood!).  And the phrase “full, natural breasts” is used more than once.  There is of course some violence too.

I have to admit, I’m not much of a fiction reader these days.  I think the last novel I read was The Old Man and the Sea, which I read when it was first published.  Levine’s book is definitely funnier.  It was fun to get engaged in a book for the first time in a long time.

It’s a fast, funny, suspenseful read.  You don’t see the plot twists coming, and you’re pretty much laughing all the way through.

I couldn’t put it down.  In fact, the other night, I skipped my evening of blog-writing to finish it.  So, since I took a night off from blogging to finish it, I decided I had to at least get a blog post out of it. Hence, this post.

I highly recommend the book, obviously.  It’s only $2.99 for the Kindle version (and $8.73 for the paperback, no hard cover is available).  I’d be shocked if you didn’t get your money’s worth out of it.  You can order it here.

To be clear, I get no money at all if you do buy it.  I don’t even know Mr. Levine.  But clearly, our comic sensibilities are quite similar.  And if the book does well, Levine might just decide to write a sequel.  If he does, I’ll pre-order it.

And as Levine says on the book’s webpage, there are no commercials.